my world is spinning
Yes I knwo I haven't been on here very much lately. I am always on myspace though because that seems to be the only way to get ahold of anybody anymore. Lately i have been on one hell of an emotional rollercoaster....between things happening with work , planning the wedding and starting a new birth control pill My emotions are very much at bay.
I am sick and tired of having all of these health issues for god sakes I'm only 24 nearly 25 and I feel like im 60. I can't stop crying once something upsets me and I start thinking of everything that makes me cry. It's like a switch that can't be turned off untill a certain time is up or soemthing. Im like a ticking time bomb not knowing when the hell I'm going to explode or break down.
Planning the wedding has been especially stressfull for me because Im trying to make sure i get everything done. I handed over my planner to my sister and I somewhat feel lost with out it. i thought I would back off of the planning and let them do some of the work but I find myself constantly thinking about it and planning planning planning. I ordered and recieved my tapestry candles, the flower girl basket and the flower girl candy necklace kit. I think there was some other things that I ordered but they have not arrived yet. I bought 17 favor bags and 16 votive candle holders. i plan on painting our names and wedding date ont hem along with a bass and treble clef design or something of that nature.
We have our first marriage counceling session tonight. I'm trying to get my emotions together because I realize my body is going through something and it has no idea how to feel or react to things as of right now.
I need to figure out when bennie is having his bachelor party so i can plan to go and do soemthing because there is no way I can stay home and let that shit way on my mind. I know how I am and that is something I do NOT need to sit around and think abotu all night.
I cant think clearly. Im constantly thinking about SOMETHING and reguardless that Im liek that anyways, ALOT has been running through my mind more than normal. im going through the OMG im getting married thoughts and the OMG the wedding is just around the corner thoughts and the OMG i hope my wedding party can order thier stuff int ime and everything will be ok thoughts and the OMG I'm going broke to get married thoughts ......just everything is weighing on my mind and I am completely and utterly stressed the fuck out. My nerves are taking a tole on my health. god i can not wait untill I can start going to the doctor and start getting treated.
These birth control pills im on were given to me to try and ease some of my endo pain and they have been working. I am experiencing other things but Im ok with that as long as im not in pain every single day like I was. It doesn't help the fibromyalgia but it does help the uteran cramps to a point.
I'm having whats called break through bleeding. It's like im on my period but not. A very very very light period that's lasted over two weeks now....im ok with it though because its not bad at all. MUCH better than the menstrals I was experiencing. I'm suppose to get the monthly every three months now. I wish it was never LOL.
I started writing this entry because I was overly overwhelmed by a piece of stupid mail that Bennie got from playboy. An offering for yadda yadda issues for yadda yadda amount and I was trying to figure out how the hell playboy knew that a male over 18 lived here. We have NEVER recieved anything from playboy in the mail...I need help, stuff like that never use to bother me and now im letting it take over my moods. I asked him if I could shred it and he told me yes. I dunno why that kind of stuff bothers me because I know it's natural. hell i use to encourage guys to look at that shit. But now I find myself feeling inadequite (however you spell it) around stuff like that. i use to be all about porn and playboy and shit like that. Why am I like this now? why do i care if bennie looks at a magazine with naked chicks in it? I know it makes me feel like im nto good enough that he has to (if he does). I have been working on trying not to get upset when he checks out chicks in public and I myself have been making a point to check out guys in public around him. I still feel horrible if he catches me though. WTF is going on here!? I am concious that physical attraction is a natural thing but why does it bother me so damn bad? why do I feel like its something so much moreZ? I want it to stop. I need help int hat department...*cries* I dont want tobe a bitter, worriesome,, jealous wife....
Will that get worse after we get married or will it get better? I'm so scared of whats going to happen at his bachelor party because that's usually when men cheat on thier sig. other because it's thier last chance to do so. men are pigs when it comes to that. I trust Bennie I just dont trust his friends and i dont trust him when he is drunk. I know he gets horny when hes drunk. Part of me tells me I have nothing at all to worry about and the other part is freaking out. I really don't care if he goes to the strip clubs I jsut dont want him getting a V.I.P. He doesn't understand my wishes on why i want him to come home when thier done and not to sleep somewhere else. It'll REALLY freak me out. He doesn't know that he isn't getting any when he gets home after that either because iM not having him come home drunk as hell horny from seeing all the nasty hoes and wanting to get a piece...he can go to the bathroom and fantasize and jack it in there for all i care. he isn't getting it from me that night.
See? See how bad I am? I know Im this bad and this is why I must occupy my mind and go and do something the night he goes out so im not calling him or creating these crazy ideas in my head or that I dont go phsyco bitch and ruin the whole damn thing. I know myself all too well.
I really wish I could find out one (just one) of the strip clubs hes going to and have his friends in on it and have them arrange for a V.I.P and instead of a stripper (i'll be back there). I think it would be hot. Not as an intruding type of thing but a surprise (ya know?)I want to be as positive about this that i possibly can, for soem reason though my emotions and fears tend to take over alot and Im trying to remedy that....anyways.... it hink I've typed enough Im going to go now...catch ya much later when I have the urge to vent again....
If you have any ideas on how I can help myself fix my little problem then PLEASE feel free to share that information...lord knows i need it!
(hey at least I am aware of the cituation, that's a step in the right direction right?)
I am sick and tired of having all of these health issues for god sakes I'm only 24 nearly 25 and I feel like im 60. I can't stop crying once something upsets me and I start thinking of everything that makes me cry. It's like a switch that can't be turned off untill a certain time is up or soemthing. Im like a ticking time bomb not knowing when the hell I'm going to explode or break down.
Planning the wedding has been especially stressfull for me because Im trying to make sure i get everything done. I handed over my planner to my sister and I somewhat feel lost with out it. i thought I would back off of the planning and let them do some of the work but I find myself constantly thinking about it and planning planning planning. I ordered and recieved my tapestry candles, the flower girl basket and the flower girl candy necklace kit. I think there was some other things that I ordered but they have not arrived yet. I bought 17 favor bags and 16 votive candle holders. i plan on painting our names and wedding date ont hem along with a bass and treble clef design or something of that nature.
We have our first marriage counceling session tonight. I'm trying to get my emotions together because I realize my body is going through something and it has no idea how to feel or react to things as of right now.
I need to figure out when bennie is having his bachelor party so i can plan to go and do soemthing because there is no way I can stay home and let that shit way on my mind. I know how I am and that is something I do NOT need to sit around and think abotu all night.
I cant think clearly. Im constantly thinking about SOMETHING and reguardless that Im liek that anyways, ALOT has been running through my mind more than normal. im going through the OMG im getting married thoughts and the OMG the wedding is just around the corner thoughts and the OMG i hope my wedding party can order thier stuff int ime and everything will be ok thoughts and the OMG I'm going broke to get married thoughts ......just everything is weighing on my mind and I am completely and utterly stressed the fuck out. My nerves are taking a tole on my health. god i can not wait untill I can start going to the doctor and start getting treated.
These birth control pills im on were given to me to try and ease some of my endo pain and they have been working. I am experiencing other things but Im ok with that as long as im not in pain every single day like I was. It doesn't help the fibromyalgia but it does help the uteran cramps to a point.
I'm having whats called break through bleeding. It's like im on my period but not. A very very very light period that's lasted over two weeks now....im ok with it though because its not bad at all. MUCH better than the menstrals I was experiencing. I'm suppose to get the monthly every three months now. I wish it was never LOL.
I started writing this entry because I was overly overwhelmed by a piece of stupid mail that Bennie got from playboy. An offering for yadda yadda issues for yadda yadda amount and I was trying to figure out how the hell playboy knew that a male over 18 lived here. We have NEVER recieved anything from playboy in the mail...I need help, stuff like that never use to bother me and now im letting it take over my moods. I asked him if I could shred it and he told me yes. I dunno why that kind of stuff bothers me because I know it's natural. hell i use to encourage guys to look at that shit. But now I find myself feeling inadequite (however you spell it) around stuff like that. i use to be all about porn and playboy and shit like that. Why am I like this now? why do i care if bennie looks at a magazine with naked chicks in it? I know it makes me feel like im nto good enough that he has to (if he does). I have been working on trying not to get upset when he checks out chicks in public and I myself have been making a point to check out guys in public around him. I still feel horrible if he catches me though. WTF is going on here!? I am concious that physical attraction is a natural thing but why does it bother me so damn bad? why do I feel like its something so much moreZ? I want it to stop. I need help int hat department...*cries* I dont want tobe a bitter, worriesome,, jealous wife....
Will that get worse after we get married or will it get better? I'm so scared of whats going to happen at his bachelor party because that's usually when men cheat on thier sig. other because it's thier last chance to do so. men are pigs when it comes to that. I trust Bennie I just dont trust his friends and i dont trust him when he is drunk. I know he gets horny when hes drunk. Part of me tells me I have nothing at all to worry about and the other part is freaking out. I really don't care if he goes to the strip clubs I jsut dont want him getting a V.I.P. He doesn't understand my wishes on why i want him to come home when thier done and not to sleep somewhere else. It'll REALLY freak me out. He doesn't know that he isn't getting any when he gets home after that either because iM not having him come home drunk as hell horny from seeing all the nasty hoes and wanting to get a piece...he can go to the bathroom and fantasize and jack it in there for all i care. he isn't getting it from me that night.
See? See how bad I am? I know Im this bad and this is why I must occupy my mind and go and do something the night he goes out so im not calling him or creating these crazy ideas in my head or that I dont go phsyco bitch and ruin the whole damn thing. I know myself all too well.
I really wish I could find out one (just one) of the strip clubs hes going to and have his friends in on it and have them arrange for a V.I.P and instead of a stripper (i'll be back there). I think it would be hot. Not as an intruding type of thing but a surprise (ya know?)I want to be as positive about this that i possibly can, for soem reason though my emotions and fears tend to take over alot and Im trying to remedy that....anyways.... it hink I've typed enough Im going to go now...catch ya much later when I have the urge to vent again....
If you have any ideas on how I can help myself fix my little problem then PLEASE feel free to share that information...lord knows i need it!
(hey at least I am aware of the cituation, that's a step in the right direction right?)