A New Existence
I have told Mandy that I'm unwilling to get into a serious romantic relationship.
She appears deeply upset with me at times. More recently she seems to accept my current stance, but the disappointment lingers.
I've tried to explain to her that I feel I would definitely cause deeper and more intense damage by making a commitment to her at this time ( Read more... )
She appears deeply upset with me at times. More recently she seems to accept my current stance, but the disappointment lingers.
I've tried to explain to her that I feel I would definitely cause deeper and more intense damage by making a commitment to her at this time ( Read more... )
I'm actually rather intrigued by your situation. I have found myself in a similar (if not quite identical) to the one you describe. My situation was an ex I didn't quite have the heart to cut out altogether, and a current with whom I had a lot of hope but also a lot of fear. I knew what a good thing I had in my current...I also knew that I was probably the only person in the world who truly cared whether my ex lived or died. However, it didn't take me long to realize that my ex knew of my reluctance to totally sever ties, as well as knowing of my desire to believe the best in everyone. By allowing him to have any place in my life at all, he was slowly poisoning it, saying things calculated to instill doubt and fear in me. The problem with exes is that they know you so well, and in my case it came close to destroying my new relationship more than once. The only way to put a stop to it was to cut him out completely. I'm still probably the only person who cares if he lives or dies, as well as him being the father of my only child, but lest he continue to poison not only my life but hers as well, I must care from the shadows. I've been much happier, much more "OK", since making my decision.
I'll also tell you that girls can be very calculating. I don't know this Sharolynn person at all...I just know how women think. I promise you that she is well aware of the fact that if she is constantly in your line of sight, it will be extremely difficult, if not impossible, for you to move on. That's why she puts herself there. She's far from the first woman to do it, and she won't be the last. And of course, directly related to this is the "if mama ain't happy, ain't NOBODY happy" train of thought. I don't suppose anyone can really blame her for it - after all, women do that to get what they want...in this case, you. I guess maybe you should be flattered! But I know it's frustrating.
As for what you should do...I haven't a clue. I know what my biased mind thinks, but bottom line is that I'm not in your head or your skin. I also know that what might seem like the best course to someone on the outside might not in fact BE the best course. Really, you probably already know what it is you should do, and you are just struggling with it. I know a lot of my tough decisions are like that. Whatever you decide, good luck and Godspeed to you. You seem like an enormously interesting person.
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This is the first bit of advice that I've been given that I could really apply to the situation. Maybe it's just like everyone else's, but you've put faces on everyone and that makes a difference for me. People are people and I try not to simply feed my dilemmas through my first person experience.
You might be happy to know that I've resolved the situation, painfully as it has been for everyone. I've come clean about what's not been said, though it was incredibly difficult. And I have to thank Mandy for pushing me and challenging me on my hiding from the situation.
I appreciate your time and interest. To me, that's much more than many people are willing to give; to simply communicate a few words. Recently, I've been going through a personal struggle that I've never encountered before. I feel a lot of apathy toward the things that I know I used to care about. I feel like I can't find joy in anything. And what I've done in the scenario described in my blog is evidence of the fight inside me. I know I used to be something different. Hopefully when I return I'll be something better.
Thank you again.
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