(no subject)
I really need to be working right now, but I won't be able to focus if I can't get this all out.
This is not gonna work.
School: Saudi Arabia/Gulf Final exam on Tuesday. I'm not ready, not at all. Political Theory paper due Wednesday. Exam period for real starts next Tuesday, with Political Theory, Arabic, then International Law, Ethics and IR, and finished with Media Arabic. Finished the 19th. Final paper for Media due the 19th, but has to be done significantly before in order to get corrected for grammar. Final paper for Saudi Arabia/Gulf due...? That's right. It's not even clear when it's due. The presentation on the paper is also not scheduled.
Physical: Yesterday's workout was good (back to back spinning classes) until basically it was over. Then I thought "I should have gone harder. I didn't go hard enough." Today's workout SUCKED. Plain and simple sucked. I couldn't find a rhythm for breathing and being so out of breath made me utterly useless. I couldn't do more than 300 without having to stop and hyperventilate for a bit. Bad enough that I commented to Andy that I couldn't breathe right and he's like "Do you have asthma?" No, I WISH I could say I did, but actually I'm just that much of a total fucking loser. Really bad workout makes me think maybe I should have just stayed home and done work. Then at least it would have been productive.
House: My house is a shitshow. Plain and simple. Every time the roommate opens her mouth I want to cry. Part of it's on me, I know, because since I'm expecting her to be rude and offensive and uncaring it becomes self-fulfilling. But dammit part of it's on her too. Because what I get upset about are not imagined offenses. And now Mac's over the edge with her. When Mac gets her hands on her it's going to be awful. Part of me wants to be there, wants to be there because Mac will absolutely school her verbally and rhetorically. She's got nothing to stand on--nothing, and Mac has everything. And also so that if I start getting attacked I can defend myself (because I have a sneaking suspicion I will be attacked). But at the same time it's going to be absolutely atrocious. It's going to be loud and crass and cruel and upset and upsetting. I hate people being angry, I hate it so much. My hell is being yelled at.
Ken: I just miss him. And it's awkward because it's been just over a month. Just a month...one out of like 10 until I get to see him again. And I don't feel like I can tell him how much I miss him (don't even know if he reads this at sea...) because I always feel like telling him I miss him as much as I do makes me sound like the spineless pining girlfriend. And if I'm ever the spineless pining girlfriend I want to be shot. Immediately. But damn I love him and I'm scared of him deciding out at sea that he doesn't love me, doesn't need me, doesn't really want to be with me anymore. Because that would be an awesome way for my life to fucking collapse on itself. ....I am such a fatalist. Need to work on that. I just love him so much and wish that I could just have a normal relationship...you know, the kind where you're in the same school/city/state/country...where you see each other and aren't always so exhausted you can't enjoy each other's company and the feeling of arms around you and kisses on the forehead. I just wish there was a way to feel more confident in "us" and in my relationship. And in myself too. I'm so worried he's going to ditch me for some beautiful girl who happens to be a triathlete and engineer and everything I'm not.
P.S. -- HotorNot.com is a joke. Roommate is on there, as is another girl who for all intents and purposes lives here. Roommate is rated very very well because the picture is retouched and airbrushed. Way to go. *sigh* So much for the normal life.
This is not gonna work.
School: Saudi Arabia/Gulf Final exam on Tuesday. I'm not ready, not at all. Political Theory paper due Wednesday. Exam period for real starts next Tuesday, with Political Theory, Arabic, then International Law, Ethics and IR, and finished with Media Arabic. Finished the 19th. Final paper for Media due the 19th, but has to be done significantly before in order to get corrected for grammar. Final paper for Saudi Arabia/Gulf due...? That's right. It's not even clear when it's due. The presentation on the paper is also not scheduled.
Physical: Yesterday's workout was good (back to back spinning classes) until basically it was over. Then I thought "I should have gone harder. I didn't go hard enough." Today's workout SUCKED. Plain and simple sucked. I couldn't find a rhythm for breathing and being so out of breath made me utterly useless. I couldn't do more than 300 without having to stop and hyperventilate for a bit. Bad enough that I commented to Andy that I couldn't breathe right and he's like "Do you have asthma?" No, I WISH I could say I did, but actually I'm just that much of a total fucking loser. Really bad workout makes me think maybe I should have just stayed home and done work. Then at least it would have been productive.
House: My house is a shitshow. Plain and simple. Every time the roommate opens her mouth I want to cry. Part of it's on me, I know, because since I'm expecting her to be rude and offensive and uncaring it becomes self-fulfilling. But dammit part of it's on her too. Because what I get upset about are not imagined offenses. And now Mac's over the edge with her. When Mac gets her hands on her it's going to be awful. Part of me wants to be there, wants to be there because Mac will absolutely school her verbally and rhetorically. She's got nothing to stand on--nothing, and Mac has everything. And also so that if I start getting attacked I can defend myself (because I have a sneaking suspicion I will be attacked). But at the same time it's going to be absolutely atrocious. It's going to be loud and crass and cruel and upset and upsetting. I hate people being angry, I hate it so much. My hell is being yelled at.
Ken: I just miss him. And it's awkward because it's been just over a month. Just a month...one out of like 10 until I get to see him again. And I don't feel like I can tell him how much I miss him (don't even know if he reads this at sea...) because I always feel like telling him I miss him as much as I do makes me sound like the spineless pining girlfriend. And if I'm ever the spineless pining girlfriend I want to be shot. Immediately. But damn I love him and I'm scared of him deciding out at sea that he doesn't love me, doesn't need me, doesn't really want to be with me anymore. Because that would be an awesome way for my life to fucking collapse on itself. ....I am such a fatalist. Need to work on that. I just love him so much and wish that I could just have a normal relationship...you know, the kind where you're in the same school/city/state/country...where you see each other and aren't always so exhausted you can't enjoy each other's company and the feeling of arms around you and kisses on the forehead. I just wish there was a way to feel more confident in "us" and in my relationship. And in myself too. I'm so worried he's going to ditch me for some beautiful girl who happens to be a triathlete and engineer and everything I'm not.
P.S. -- HotorNot.com is a joke. Roommate is on there, as is another girl who for all intents and purposes lives here. Roommate is rated very very well because the picture is retouched and airbrushed. Way to go. *sigh* So much for the normal life.