Miracles do occur
Today, was really unexpected. I have been struggling with body issues, namely two of my body flaws being that I am overweight and that my breasts are not big enough. That cascaded into my thinking I am not attractive and nobody would want me or find me attractive. And even if they did, I would think they would need some heavy therapist and some psychopharmaceuticals. But as this attitude started to life when I looked at myself in the mirror after someone asked for a new picture of myself, I finally say that these bags are full. They are fine and I am attractive. I talked with Gina, my therapist, on Friday about this and about being lonely and the theme came up again about my youth. So, I now I have to see what is successful about the relationships that I have with people who want to be around me. So, I went into the weekend with some sort of mission, with finishing up one final, preparing for two more this week to be my saving grace from my issues and then I broke down Friday night. The picture I took happened Saturday night and I began to feel better. So now, after Saturday night, I had to get through Sunday with calling my parents and the family. Remember, work on my final projects and my piano practice were to be my saving grace.
I make the call and my mother answers. My nephew could not talk because he is doing the noble thing of trying to get his grades up and doing his homework. So, my mother and I talked. She wanted to talk to me and ask me my opinion on an issue she was having for quite some time. I listened and in the conversation, she detailed her hardship and I was being very supportive. She mentioned that because of my father, she was not living life to the fullest and she mentioned that the never really has. She was always at work in the kitchen or with me and my two siblings. Life for her has been a chore. So, then she pulled a comparison situation with my life. She said, "Let's say your...(pause)...girlfriend didn't help you out with the work of the house and with things in general. That's not equal right?" I agreed. Then she went on to say, "You know, I allowed some things to happen, looking back, when I shouldn't have." Then she veered off into the territory of my brother and the snake in their house. Here I am listening and being supportive and offering my own input, but I was shocked beyond my own belief. I am surprised or shocked by hardly anything now. But this took the goat and made the goat curry along with serving it too. I began to realize more and more what was happening in front of my own ears. My mother acknowledge that she has been constricted into not being able to say what she wanted to say and that she had no outlet. She then said she allowed things to happen that probably should not have happened in life. I was shocked. My mother apologized for a lot of things as well as acknowledging that I am a lesbian. I was shocked and amazed at all of this. I began to feel a weight lifted off of me once I realized what was going on. I even sang for the first time in a long time tonight. I feel a little lifting in the body issues that were presenting me with such great difficulties as of late. I never thought this would come, but it did. My mother acknowledged and apologized in her own way.
I make the call and my mother answers. My nephew could not talk because he is doing the noble thing of trying to get his grades up and doing his homework. So, my mother and I talked. She wanted to talk to me and ask me my opinion on an issue she was having for quite some time. I listened and in the conversation, she detailed her hardship and I was being very supportive. She mentioned that because of my father, she was not living life to the fullest and she mentioned that the never really has. She was always at work in the kitchen or with me and my two siblings. Life for her has been a chore. So, then she pulled a comparison situation with my life. She said, "Let's say your...(pause)...girlfriend didn't help you out with the work of the house and with things in general. That's not equal right?" I agreed. Then she went on to say, "You know, I allowed some things to happen, looking back, when I shouldn't have." Then she veered off into the territory of my brother and the snake in their house. Here I am listening and being supportive and offering my own input, but I was shocked beyond my own belief. I am surprised or shocked by hardly anything now. But this took the goat and made the goat curry along with serving it too. I began to realize more and more what was happening in front of my own ears. My mother acknowledge that she has been constricted into not being able to say what she wanted to say and that she had no outlet. She then said she allowed things to happen that probably should not have happened in life. I was shocked. My mother apologized for a lot of things as well as acknowledging that I am a lesbian. I was shocked and amazed at all of this. I began to feel a weight lifted off of me once I realized what was going on. I even sang for the first time in a long time tonight. I feel a little lifting in the body issues that were presenting me with such great difficulties as of late. I never thought this would come, but it did. My mother acknowledged and apologized in her own way.