Feelings, nothing more than feelings
The semester is coming to an end. Spring is here, the weather is getting warmer in New York. I see more skin and for a lesbian that has not been touched for a long time, I am frustrated to keep it light. Ok, I desire companionship. A little play...you know the deal. A girl's got needs! So, I am looking at the prospect of being very isolated this summer. But feelings are rising up in me and I am distracted. So, today I see this very beautiful - ok I lie - she was gorgeous! I was afraid to go the counter at Dunkin Donuts. I was, to say the least, very attracted.
On a seperate note, body issues rise up. I keep focusing on my small boobs. Ok, I am a 40DD. I had a bout of insecurity and sent some topless photos to a trusted friend. She thinks I am hot. I am trying to feel that way, but it has not worked in three years of trying to convince myself. I feel invisible. Like I wonder, who would want me? I have sought validation a dating site, I try to flirt, I get the lookover from men and women, but the effect is the same. No change in my thoughts. Realizing that I am an alpha female, I am just plagued with feeling insecure and invisible. The cards seem stacked against me. I have begin to think about augmentation to my boobs. Yet, it scares me, yet I keep thinking about getting my boobs augmented. I don't know. In my personal life, on a daily basis I am isolated and speak to hardly anyone. So, my socialization is completely formless and void. So, like my confidence, my self-image, my ability to feel attractive and socially accepted is in the just at level zero still. I can't even... I just want to be noticed and not by creepy people. So, basically in January when I went to Georgia, I took the topless photos to boost my confidence and because I feel a person should do something adventurous. I just cannot seem to get over my body, confidence, and insecurity issues. It kind of puts a quick end before it even begins on dating, finding companionship, getting some long neglected needs taken care of. Dilemmas, dilemmas, barriers, and more barriers.
I put myself out there, I am very social and inviting. But it is not working except with other alpha females. I am more than confused beyond belief. I just have to live with, I guess.
In the past, I have avoided the relationships. I have been on two dates in my life. To go on a date would be awesome. I am in a difficult spot in these respects. Oy vey iz mir!
On a seperate note, body issues rise up. I keep focusing on my small boobs. Ok, I am a 40DD. I had a bout of insecurity and sent some topless photos to a trusted friend. She thinks I am hot. I am trying to feel that way, but it has not worked in three years of trying to convince myself. I feel invisible. Like I wonder, who would want me? I have sought validation a dating site, I try to flirt, I get the lookover from men and women, but the effect is the same. No change in my thoughts. Realizing that I am an alpha female, I am just plagued with feeling insecure and invisible. The cards seem stacked against me. I have begin to think about augmentation to my boobs. Yet, it scares me, yet I keep thinking about getting my boobs augmented. I don't know. In my personal life, on a daily basis I am isolated and speak to hardly anyone. So, my socialization is completely formless and void. So, like my confidence, my self-image, my ability to feel attractive and socially accepted is in the just at level zero still. I can't even... I just want to be noticed and not by creepy people. So, basically in January when I went to Georgia, I took the topless photos to boost my confidence and because I feel a person should do something adventurous. I just cannot seem to get over my body, confidence, and insecurity issues. It kind of puts a quick end before it even begins on dating, finding companionship, getting some long neglected needs taken care of. Dilemmas, dilemmas, barriers, and more barriers.
I put myself out there, I am very social and inviting. But it is not working except with other alpha females. I am more than confused beyond belief. I just have to live with, I guess.
In the past, I have avoided the relationships. I have been on two dates in my life. To go on a date would be awesome. I am in a difficult spot in these respects. Oy vey iz mir!