(no subject)
So, I was going to post all day, but then I kinda just...didn't. Not that I did much else, either. Sure, I make to-do lists, but do I actually take care of them? Apparently not. I'm such a retard.
And today and, well, for the past few days, the homesickness has really been kicking in.
My mom was bothering me about getting my thank you cards from graduation done, because I still have a few to do (this is how bad I am at stuff like that, people) and saying I fritter all my time away on the computer and that's why they aren't done. And I just...am sick of working all the time, away from my family and my closest friends and live journal. Which, I can go on the internet, sure, but it's dial-up so it takes forever to do anything. So I save most of it for when I come home here, and that takes forever to get through everything, and I still feel like I'm behind in everyone's lives and I'm hardly commenting because by the time I read this, it doesn't even matter anymore because new things have happened. And it sucks, because my parents don't really understand that now a part of my life is tied to this computer, because I wouldn't know any of you if it weren't for this computer and I wouldn't be talking to any of you and making friendships like I did if it weren't for the computer. And if I ignore the computer, then it's like I'm ignoring friends. Which, I'm sort of ignoring my friends around here right now, but that's because I don't feel like doing anything. I'm tired. And I have stuff to do. And that's the most important thing. But I still end up sitting on the computer, updating my friends page, checking my e-mail 5 times a day, and for what? I don't know. But...I just, miss all of you. And I know I'm home, but I'm still really homesick. I just miss being around here, being around my sister while she plays some video game with battle music that eventually annoys you and gets stuck in your head. I miss just being around this town, driving around for no reason. I'm sick of driving back and forth so much, of stupid drivers on the highway, of idiotic customers who are way too picky for their own good or way too cheap or stingy or stupid or lazy or...anything. Most customers suck, end of story. I'm sick of my food choices up there. I'm sick of mopping and sweeping, I'm sick of looking at bakery all the time, and I'm sick of being sort of unhappy. I feel like I did at the beginning of this year, when I went into that depression for no reason kind of thing that went on. Where I just wasn't happy. For a long time. And I hate feeling that way. I hate it also when people ask, "How are you?" and you automatically reply, "Good," even though you aren't. I do that all the time. I hate that. Because I haven't been feeling good, but that's what people want to hear. I'm not one to talk openly about what's going on in my head, either. So it's just easy that way. But when it's not true, I hate saying that. And if I do say something than "good", it's always "okay", and it's always attributed to my tired state. Which, sure I'm tired, but that's not why I'm saying that. Why I'm not happy. I just...I can't wait until school, except then it's going to suck because I won't be working, but I'll still be homesick, and so much further away from my family and my friends here.
And to make matters worse, while I was gone from lj some person posted a very personal and touching post. I don't know them, but this inspired many others to voice thoughts about it and some to even make confessions of their own concerning the subject. And here I sit, whining about how I miss home and everything sucks. Yet I am so lucky in my life to not have anything bad happen to me, ever really. The entire ordeal with my friends was kinda bad, but in the end it made me so much stronger as a person and made me mature a lot more, so I'm really glad it happened. And sure, some of my insecurities are probably attributed to my father and his yelling, but it's not as bad as some people. Basically, what I'm trying to say is, I'm complaining about my little inky dinky sad life which really isn't that terrible, while others are out there with real problems and real difficulties in their life that they've endured or are still enduring, and basically I just feel like a big shmuck. And then I totally berate myself for whining and complaining about my little problems when there are so many other things going on in the world and then I tell myself to shut the hell up because nobody cares about me and my little whine fest. Which is probably true, to an extent.
So, I'm sorry I complain about my life which really isn't that bad. I don't mean to, I just get in a funk and it happens. I'm trying to get myself over it and shut up, but it hasn't been working the best so far.
And, because I said I would...I downloaded some Jamie Cullum...and, yeah. *spasms* It's so! jazzy! He covered Pharrell's "Frontin'"...awesome. He als covered, "I Get a Kick Out of You" which I love only because it makes me think of Blazing Saddles...but his version rules. I got an original, too, but it was just the same thing repeating over and over...is it supposed to be so repetitive, Leslie? Or did I get a crap copy or two? I'm thinking it's the latter.
And...I have determined, officially, that John Mayer liked Amy more than me. I say this because he played Comfortable. And a blues thing, and Old Love. But, he didn't play 83 and opened with Clarity. However, he played Neon last and sang some of David Ryan Harris's one song at the end of Your Body is a Wonderland. So...yeah. Chicago wins, but not by much. Stupid Illinois people, with your slow driving.
You know, you'd think when the speed limit is 55, they'd see 55 and go 55. 60 would be great, but I can understand 55. No, they have to go about 45, maybe even 40. Sometimes 50 if I'm lucky. And then, when they go through a town where the speed limit is 35, they go at least 40. Crazy fricken Illinois drivers. *shakes fist at them*
I bet Amy goes the speed limit, though. :-D
I'm ordering my computer tomorrow. Because I want it, and I...want it. So I can put all my stuff on it and be happy. And have a computer all my own. Whee!!!
Someone got a John Kerry bumper sticker and it's sitting on the computer desk. I feel tempted to get one to stick on my car, but wouldn't that be embarrassing if he lost? Then again, I'd try to leave the country for 4 years if Kerry did lose, so I guess it wouldn't really matter.
I feel stir crazy but am getting tired. I know I should go to bed. But then again I don't feel like it. Either way, I feel as if I should post this.
Oh, I also should mention that I thought I was over that whole "I want to be a singer and travel around the world singing my stuff and making people happy" thing. I'm not. I don't think I ever will be.
And today and, well, for the past few days, the homesickness has really been kicking in.
My mom was bothering me about getting my thank you cards from graduation done, because I still have a few to do (this is how bad I am at stuff like that, people) and saying I fritter all my time away on the computer and that's why they aren't done. And I just...am sick of working all the time, away from my family and my closest friends and live journal. Which, I can go on the internet, sure, but it's dial-up so it takes forever to do anything. So I save most of it for when I come home here, and that takes forever to get through everything, and I still feel like I'm behind in everyone's lives and I'm hardly commenting because by the time I read this, it doesn't even matter anymore because new things have happened. And it sucks, because my parents don't really understand that now a part of my life is tied to this computer, because I wouldn't know any of you if it weren't for this computer and I wouldn't be talking to any of you and making friendships like I did if it weren't for the computer. And if I ignore the computer, then it's like I'm ignoring friends. Which, I'm sort of ignoring my friends around here right now, but that's because I don't feel like doing anything. I'm tired. And I have stuff to do. And that's the most important thing. But I still end up sitting on the computer, updating my friends page, checking my e-mail 5 times a day, and for what? I don't know. But...I just, miss all of you. And I know I'm home, but I'm still really homesick. I just miss being around here, being around my sister while she plays some video game with battle music that eventually annoys you and gets stuck in your head. I miss just being around this town, driving around for no reason. I'm sick of driving back and forth so much, of stupid drivers on the highway, of idiotic customers who are way too picky for their own good or way too cheap or stingy or stupid or lazy or...anything. Most customers suck, end of story. I'm sick of my food choices up there. I'm sick of mopping and sweeping, I'm sick of looking at bakery all the time, and I'm sick of being sort of unhappy. I feel like I did at the beginning of this year, when I went into that depression for no reason kind of thing that went on. Where I just wasn't happy. For a long time. And I hate feeling that way. I hate it also when people ask, "How are you?" and you automatically reply, "Good," even though you aren't. I do that all the time. I hate that. Because I haven't been feeling good, but that's what people want to hear. I'm not one to talk openly about what's going on in my head, either. So it's just easy that way. But when it's not true, I hate saying that. And if I do say something than "good", it's always "okay", and it's always attributed to my tired state. Which, sure I'm tired, but that's not why I'm saying that. Why I'm not happy. I just...I can't wait until school, except then it's going to suck because I won't be working, but I'll still be homesick, and so much further away from my family and my friends here.
And to make matters worse, while I was gone from lj some person posted a very personal and touching post. I don't know them, but this inspired many others to voice thoughts about it and some to even make confessions of their own concerning the subject. And here I sit, whining about how I miss home and everything sucks. Yet I am so lucky in my life to not have anything bad happen to me, ever really. The entire ordeal with my friends was kinda bad, but in the end it made me so much stronger as a person and made me mature a lot more, so I'm really glad it happened. And sure, some of my insecurities are probably attributed to my father and his yelling, but it's not as bad as some people. Basically, what I'm trying to say is, I'm complaining about my little inky dinky sad life which really isn't that terrible, while others are out there with real problems and real difficulties in their life that they've endured or are still enduring, and basically I just feel like a big shmuck. And then I totally berate myself for whining and complaining about my little problems when there are so many other things going on in the world and then I tell myself to shut the hell up because nobody cares about me and my little whine fest. Which is probably true, to an extent.
So, I'm sorry I complain about my life which really isn't that bad. I don't mean to, I just get in a funk and it happens. I'm trying to get myself over it and shut up, but it hasn't been working the best so far.
And, because I said I would...I downloaded some Jamie Cullum...and, yeah. *spasms* It's so! jazzy! He covered Pharrell's "Frontin'"...awesome. He als covered, "I Get a Kick Out of You" which I love only because it makes me think of Blazing Saddles...but his version rules. I got an original, too, but it was just the same thing repeating over and over...is it supposed to be so repetitive, Leslie? Or did I get a crap copy or two? I'm thinking it's the latter.
And...I have determined, officially, that John Mayer liked Amy more than me. I say this because he played Comfortable. And a blues thing, and Old Love. But, he didn't play 83 and opened with Clarity. However, he played Neon last and sang some of David Ryan Harris's one song at the end of Your Body is a Wonderland. So...yeah. Chicago wins, but not by much. Stupid Illinois people, with your slow driving.
You know, you'd think when the speed limit is 55, they'd see 55 and go 55. 60 would be great, but I can understand 55. No, they have to go about 45, maybe even 40. Sometimes 50 if I'm lucky. And then, when they go through a town where the speed limit is 35, they go at least 40. Crazy fricken Illinois drivers. *shakes fist at them*
I bet Amy goes the speed limit, though. :-D
I'm ordering my computer tomorrow. Because I want it, and I...want it. So I can put all my stuff on it and be happy. And have a computer all my own. Whee!!!
Someone got a John Kerry bumper sticker and it's sitting on the computer desk. I feel tempted to get one to stick on my car, but wouldn't that be embarrassing if he lost? Then again, I'd try to leave the country for 4 years if Kerry did lose, so I guess it wouldn't really matter.
I feel stir crazy but am getting tired. I know I should go to bed. But then again I don't feel like it. Either way, I feel as if I should post this.
Oh, I also should mention that I thought I was over that whole "I want to be a singer and travel around the world singing my stuff and making people happy" thing. I'm not. I don't think I ever will be.