(no subject)
I haven't cried yet today.
Not to say I won't... it's only 11AM.
Friday marks a week since Ryan left me.
I guess it's time to start piecing my life back together.
Him leaving shattered my whole existence.
I couldn't eat for 2 days...and physically, the grief has affected me more than I could have ever imagined it would. Thinking about Ryan leaves this pit in my stomach. And a big, gaping black hole in my chest. A huge emptiness in my heart. And I can physically feel it pulling me down. A heavy, empty, sickening black hole. I've been going to bed at 9-10pm because it's just so exhausting to be awake and so miserable. :(
I hadn't been able to do anything remotely normal except get fucked up until yesterday. Me and boyfriend built a blanket fort while it snowed like 8 inches of snow. Took some funny pictures of my cat. Only cried really hard once. So I guess it's getting easier to deal with, like I knew it would. The initial shock is gone and I'm just trying to completely ignore it right now. The only feeling I can recognize that I have right now is worry.
Worrying about work since I haven't gone or called my boss in 4 days... Worrying about money because boyfriend lost his fucking job. Yes, he lost his job. The shit just keeps piling up, doesn't it? Last night I broke my hookah. I know these 2 things pale in comparison to what happened with Ryan but fuck, it doesn't help either. So anyway, I'm worried about everything. My mom tells me not to worry, to mourn Ryan. Well, I'll have to worry eventually and the longer I put everything off, the worse it'll be when I try and put my life back together again.
I was supposed to see a councilor yesterday... but we got snowed in. Was supposed to pay rent, but we don't have enough money. Supposed to pick up one of boyfriend's last paychecks tomorrow. Then I have to pay court costs that are late..and late rent. And get food.
But today I got the only good news I've got in a long time...one of my medical claims at work was approved. So I'll be getting paid for the week I missed when I was really sick. So while boyfriend looks for a job, we'll have money to survive for a little bit. That makes me worry less.
The thing is, I'm not supposed to be worrying at ALL. My doctor gave me anti-anxiety/anti-depression pills that aren't working. But really, how would anything work to make me less depressed right now? Probably morphine or something.
I just have one question to anyone who has gone thru a best friend taking their life, do you have any words of advice? Thanks.
Not to say I won't... it's only 11AM.
Friday marks a week since Ryan left me.
I guess it's time to start piecing my life back together.
Him leaving shattered my whole existence.
I couldn't eat for 2 days...and physically, the grief has affected me more than I could have ever imagined it would. Thinking about Ryan leaves this pit in my stomach. And a big, gaping black hole in my chest. A huge emptiness in my heart. And I can physically feel it pulling me down. A heavy, empty, sickening black hole. I've been going to bed at 9-10pm because it's just so exhausting to be awake and so miserable. :(
I hadn't been able to do anything remotely normal except get fucked up until yesterday. Me and boyfriend built a blanket fort while it snowed like 8 inches of snow. Took some funny pictures of my cat. Only cried really hard once. So I guess it's getting easier to deal with, like I knew it would. The initial shock is gone and I'm just trying to completely ignore it right now. The only feeling I can recognize that I have right now is worry.
Worrying about work since I haven't gone or called my boss in 4 days... Worrying about money because boyfriend lost his fucking job. Yes, he lost his job. The shit just keeps piling up, doesn't it? Last night I broke my hookah. I know these 2 things pale in comparison to what happened with Ryan but fuck, it doesn't help either. So anyway, I'm worried about everything. My mom tells me not to worry, to mourn Ryan. Well, I'll have to worry eventually and the longer I put everything off, the worse it'll be when I try and put my life back together again.
I was supposed to see a councilor yesterday... but we got snowed in. Was supposed to pay rent, but we don't have enough money. Supposed to pick up one of boyfriend's last paychecks tomorrow. Then I have to pay court costs that are late..and late rent. And get food.
But today I got the only good news I've got in a long time...one of my medical claims at work was approved. So I'll be getting paid for the week I missed when I was really sick. So while boyfriend looks for a job, we'll have money to survive for a little bit. That makes me worry less.
The thing is, I'm not supposed to be worrying at ALL. My doctor gave me anti-anxiety/anti-depression pills that aren't working. But really, how would anything work to make me less depressed right now? Probably morphine or something.
I just have one question to anyone who has gone thru a best friend taking their life, do you have any words of advice? Thanks.