a love letter to myself
I am rediscovering myself lately. Since coming to Philadelphia, I fell away from myself. In the beginning, it was finding-a-job crisis-mode. Then, once I found a job, it was dealing-with-job crisis-mode. Once my former manager left, I was immersed in rebuilding a store that had endured unethical employees, people's personal dramas, and inconsistency. Many weeks, I wouldn't even have a day off. I worked over twelve hours a day at least two shifts a week. I trained a batch of new, bewildered employees. I struggled to rid the store of an overabundance of old products. I organised the stockroom and storage spaces. I recounted the inventory and attempted to right the $4,000 error the previous manager left. I turned the numbers of a stagnant store around, and earned accolades for my hard work. Mostly, I lost myself, and in losing myself, I wondered what I'd lost. Stress made me forget all the hard work I'd done on myself. I started really hating myself again, playing the pain-game in my head.
It wasn't that I messed things up completely. I just got a little off-track.
I forgot to celebrate myself. We teach other people how to love us by how we love ourselves. If we trap ourselves in our bodies, becoming prisoners to the flesh that gives us life, we guide others in trapping and deceiving us, in making us like caged beasts. If we focus on stress and make all of our interactions surface, others will never try to go deeper than what we present on top. If we give too much to others, they will learn to take from us, and not reciprocate. If we don't view ourselves with fierce, loving, and forgiving eyes, no one else will forgive us our mistakes.
So now, I am focusing on nurturing myself as much as I nurture my co-workers, guests, and lover. I'm buying healthy groceries again--whole grains, asparagus, silky soy milk, cloves of garlic, bunches of broccoli, blueberries, glossy red peppers, long stalks of celery, pistachios and trail mix, imported Spanish olives, and low-fat almond butter. Rather than grabbing a quick bite in the middle of working, I am packing nutritious lunches and giving myself whole breaks.
Cooking at home has become a joy again, with me turning on my favourite music, chopping ingredients, and settling down to eat with the books I'd been ignoring. The other day, I had a lunch of stuffed grape leaves, fresh heirloom tomatoes rubbed with sea salt, and a simple, but flavourful dish. You take 1/2 cup of water, 2 teaspoons of soy sauce, 2 minced cloves of garlic, and throw them into a saucepan to boil. While waiting for the temperature to rise, you cut up a head of broccoli. Once the mixture is simmering, throw the broccoli in, and cover it. Wait about five minutes for the yummiest dish ever. The water evaporates, infusing the broccoli with the soy and garlic flavour.
I've also been returning to the gym, sometimes even rising super-early to do my cardio and weights. Going to the gym is like a natural anti-depressant. My moods are a lot more stable, and I'm better able to deal with stress as a result of getting my adrenaline going and punching it out in the studio. The next item on my agenda is finding a boxing studio in the city. In Arizona, I boxed four or five days a week. Although I was very self-critical, I realise that I was on a great track. I'd like to continue with that.
Another item on my agenda is to answer a letter I got from The Sun magazine in July. Their manuscript editor found my "Becoming You" piece at Fresh Yarn, and sought me out. She sent a packet of magazines and an extremely flattering letter to my Arcosanti address (which was then forwarded to my Philly place). Not only did she have glowing praise for my work, she also invited me to personally mail her manuscripts or other work for publication in the magazine. She seemed to be selling the magazine to me, as a place that I should send my work. A shy secret is that about ten years ago, I sent The Sun a piece for publication, and their editor, Sy, kindly but soundly rejected it. I told myself that I'd keep honing my work, and ready myself for a quality publication like The Sun. It seems that we've been brought together again, so I'd like to create something just for them. We'll see where this goes, but I know that I've desperately missed my writing and publication work. It's the basis of why I do everything that I do--writing and love.
Speaking of love, I still have a tremendous partner in Shaun. He is supportive, loving, open-hearted, and a joy to know. He understands me, and is so kind and gentle that he teaches me more about love than I've ever known before. Even though we are both very busy people--he with going to law school on full scholarship and working part-time in a law office--and me with managing a high-volume business and doing all the charity work that my company demands--we make time for each other. We plan dates and always go to bed happy, rather than angry. There are times when we're both too exhausted to say much, but we snuggle up and express our love.
Tonight, we're going to Center City for tapas and hand-holding over a candlelit table. We'll meet friends and laugh, shake off the weight of a long week and be grateful to be alive. For now, I've dishes to do and a bedroom to clean up, a gym to see, and errands to run. Yesterday, I sat down to make jewelry for the first time in ages. What I made was gorgeous and a real pleasure. Just me, sitting on the floor and listening to the abacus-like click of semiprecious stones in my hands. I went for hours, not even realising how much time had passed. When I finished, I had completed a four-strand bracelet with topaz, Peruvian opals, Bali silver, and champagne pearls; a multistrand necklace with amber, seed beads, green opals, and brown pearls; a nine-strand bracelet with red coral, abalone, and more Bali silver; and a pendant studded with topaz, citrine, peridot, garnet, amethyst, and other stones. I've plans in my head for something that contrasts the lime-green shine of the peridot with the jacaranda tree blue-purple of the iolite. I'd forgotten how much I needed to be creative, and how peaceful being creative makes me. It stills the violet storm that I can be.
I forgot to love myself, and I think I'm falling back in love with my life, just a little. It isn't perfect, but it's on its way to better.
miss jewel of the spirits
It wasn't that I messed things up completely. I just got a little off-track.
I forgot to celebrate myself. We teach other people how to love us by how we love ourselves. If we trap ourselves in our bodies, becoming prisoners to the flesh that gives us life, we guide others in trapping and deceiving us, in making us like caged beasts. If we focus on stress and make all of our interactions surface, others will never try to go deeper than what we present on top. If we give too much to others, they will learn to take from us, and not reciprocate. If we don't view ourselves with fierce, loving, and forgiving eyes, no one else will forgive us our mistakes.
So now, I am focusing on nurturing myself as much as I nurture my co-workers, guests, and lover. I'm buying healthy groceries again--whole grains, asparagus, silky soy milk, cloves of garlic, bunches of broccoli, blueberries, glossy red peppers, long stalks of celery, pistachios and trail mix, imported Spanish olives, and low-fat almond butter. Rather than grabbing a quick bite in the middle of working, I am packing nutritious lunches and giving myself whole breaks.
Cooking at home has become a joy again, with me turning on my favourite music, chopping ingredients, and settling down to eat with the books I'd been ignoring. The other day, I had a lunch of stuffed grape leaves, fresh heirloom tomatoes rubbed with sea salt, and a simple, but flavourful dish. You take 1/2 cup of water, 2 teaspoons of soy sauce, 2 minced cloves of garlic, and throw them into a saucepan to boil. While waiting for the temperature to rise, you cut up a head of broccoli. Once the mixture is simmering, throw the broccoli in, and cover it. Wait about five minutes for the yummiest dish ever. The water evaporates, infusing the broccoli with the soy and garlic flavour.
I've also been returning to the gym, sometimes even rising super-early to do my cardio and weights. Going to the gym is like a natural anti-depressant. My moods are a lot more stable, and I'm better able to deal with stress as a result of getting my adrenaline going and punching it out in the studio. The next item on my agenda is finding a boxing studio in the city. In Arizona, I boxed four or five days a week. Although I was very self-critical, I realise that I was on a great track. I'd like to continue with that.
Another item on my agenda is to answer a letter I got from The Sun magazine in July. Their manuscript editor found my "Becoming You" piece at Fresh Yarn, and sought me out. She sent a packet of magazines and an extremely flattering letter to my Arcosanti address (which was then forwarded to my Philly place). Not only did she have glowing praise for my work, she also invited me to personally mail her manuscripts or other work for publication in the magazine. She seemed to be selling the magazine to me, as a place that I should send my work. A shy secret is that about ten years ago, I sent The Sun a piece for publication, and their editor, Sy, kindly but soundly rejected it. I told myself that I'd keep honing my work, and ready myself for a quality publication like The Sun. It seems that we've been brought together again, so I'd like to create something just for them. We'll see where this goes, but I know that I've desperately missed my writing and publication work. It's the basis of why I do everything that I do--writing and love.
Speaking of love, I still have a tremendous partner in Shaun. He is supportive, loving, open-hearted, and a joy to know. He understands me, and is so kind and gentle that he teaches me more about love than I've ever known before. Even though we are both very busy people--he with going to law school on full scholarship and working part-time in a law office--and me with managing a high-volume business and doing all the charity work that my company demands--we make time for each other. We plan dates and always go to bed happy, rather than angry. There are times when we're both too exhausted to say much, but we snuggle up and express our love.
Tonight, we're going to Center City for tapas and hand-holding over a candlelit table. We'll meet friends and laugh, shake off the weight of a long week and be grateful to be alive. For now, I've dishes to do and a bedroom to clean up, a gym to see, and errands to run. Yesterday, I sat down to make jewelry for the first time in ages. What I made was gorgeous and a real pleasure. Just me, sitting on the floor and listening to the abacus-like click of semiprecious stones in my hands. I went for hours, not even realising how much time had passed. When I finished, I had completed a four-strand bracelet with topaz, Peruvian opals, Bali silver, and champagne pearls; a multistrand necklace with amber, seed beads, green opals, and brown pearls; a nine-strand bracelet with red coral, abalone, and more Bali silver; and a pendant studded with topaz, citrine, peridot, garnet, amethyst, and other stones. I've plans in my head for something that contrasts the lime-green shine of the peridot with the jacaranda tree blue-purple of the iolite. I'd forgotten how much I needed to be creative, and how peaceful being creative makes me. It stills the violet storm that I can be.
I forgot to love myself, and I think I'm falling back in love with my life, just a little. It isn't perfect, but it's on its way to better.
miss jewel of the spirits