Hello again old friend II.
So the end of the semester comes quickly... I have 4 article reviews, 1 project, 2 big papers, 2 journal thingys, a one on one presentation, a group presentation, 2 cumulative finals, and 2 stat projects to do in 3 weeks. It may seem like I've been slacking, but I don't even have what is required for half of these things yet; that is now how Graduate School works. The big paper requirements should be to me by this week luckily...
I want to go to the VNV Nation concert, but I know I shouldn't. Too much work to do. That makes me sad.
I wish that was the only thing making me sad though...
I don't know what it is... I should be happy. There is no logical reason for me to be unhappy with anything. My rational mind attacks my depression relentlessly, but today it is losing the battle. I feel heavy... Depressed mood, Guilt, Interest Deficit, hypersomnia, Eating more than I normally would, energy deficit... With exception of duratio, I fit the criteria for a MD episode... yay.
My friend is having to deal with suicidal feelings (though not her own)... It got me thinking down a dark path, admittedly. It is strange how much of a relief the idea of not existing is. Yet, this is not a concern, because that is the only thought I had in favor of the idea of ending myself; I am not considering it at all. Thoughts immediately come to me of how I would be short changing myself for the life that was gifted to me. My mind also went on to imagining what the reaction would be from various people. Flashes of images to all the people who see greet me with smiles... greet me with nothing but love.. the effect that would have on them. I don't think there has ever been a point in my life where no matter where I go, somebody, if not multiple people, are overjoyed to see me. I am not certain my mind knows what to do with this.
I have nobody I can really confide in truly. I have many who would eagerly listen, but I would hold back. A mixture of paranoid distrust and ego prohibit me from disclosure. The things I would type here are far more than I would in real life... Funny though, I think I know what stops me, but as I think about it, these are symptoms of some unknown problem in me.
I have also been thinking about the past... I have noticed this isn't good for me. The person I was... I still feel no regrets due to it being in the past, but I aknowledge where I was ignoble... dishonorable... The question that if they had everything to do over again, would they... I would normally note that I would happily due to it making me who I am today... but tht isn't true as I look back. There are changes that I would make because I am not the same person. The instances where I actually wrought some sort of misery would be changed... I am not that person anymore. I am better.
I have told two of my teachers about very brief segments of my life, and their response (utter shock) makes me wonder if my experiences are more uncommon than I realized. Perhaps the things I have had the pleasure of experiencing are more than normal people truly go through... Although I know some that have had interesting lives, I begin to realize that these collegues in pain could be counted on one hand. There is something to be said about the types of people we attract for friends and loved ones... the similarities are ordered chaos. This probably warrants more thought.
Thinking about this is kind of like playing a game with the walkthrough right next to you, though. It is cheating. Once again, there are no regrets, just I happily note that I would change some things.
On a more positive note, my passion brims from my very being. I smell the air and it has familiar scents that excite me. It is wonderful. I'll be ok. I know I will. Just another dark night...
I want to go to the VNV Nation concert, but I know I shouldn't. Too much work to do. That makes me sad.
I wish that was the only thing making me sad though...
I don't know what it is... I should be happy. There is no logical reason for me to be unhappy with anything. My rational mind attacks my depression relentlessly, but today it is losing the battle. I feel heavy... Depressed mood, Guilt, Interest Deficit, hypersomnia, Eating more than I normally would, energy deficit... With exception of duratio, I fit the criteria for a MD episode... yay.
My friend is having to deal with suicidal feelings (though not her own)... It got me thinking down a dark path, admittedly. It is strange how much of a relief the idea of not existing is. Yet, this is not a concern, because that is the only thought I had in favor of the idea of ending myself; I am not considering it at all. Thoughts immediately come to me of how I would be short changing myself for the life that was gifted to me. My mind also went on to imagining what the reaction would be from various people. Flashes of images to all the people who see greet me with smiles... greet me with nothing but love.. the effect that would have on them. I don't think there has ever been a point in my life where no matter where I go, somebody, if not multiple people, are overjoyed to see me. I am not certain my mind knows what to do with this.
I have nobody I can really confide in truly. I have many who would eagerly listen, but I would hold back. A mixture of paranoid distrust and ego prohibit me from disclosure. The things I would type here are far more than I would in real life... Funny though, I think I know what stops me, but as I think about it, these are symptoms of some unknown problem in me.
I have also been thinking about the past... I have noticed this isn't good for me. The person I was... I still feel no regrets due to it being in the past, but I aknowledge where I was ignoble... dishonorable... The question that if they had everything to do over again, would they... I would normally note that I would happily due to it making me who I am today... but tht isn't true as I look back. There are changes that I would make because I am not the same person. The instances where I actually wrought some sort of misery would be changed... I am not that person anymore. I am better.
I have told two of my teachers about very brief segments of my life, and their response (utter shock) makes me wonder if my experiences are more uncommon than I realized. Perhaps the things I have had the pleasure of experiencing are more than normal people truly go through... Although I know some that have had interesting lives, I begin to realize that these collegues in pain could be counted on one hand. There is something to be said about the types of people we attract for friends and loved ones... the similarities are ordered chaos. This probably warrants more thought.
Thinking about this is kind of like playing a game with the walkthrough right next to you, though. It is cheating. Once again, there are no regrets, just I happily note that I would change some things.
On a more positive note, my passion brims from my very being. I smell the air and it has familiar scents that excite me. It is wonderful. I'll be ok. I know I will. Just another dark night...