Hello again old friend
As I am slowly quiting smoking, I have noticed that my stress is rising. I figured this would be a good release for me. So, you might be seeing more of my thoughts...
Just got done working out...
35 minutes of cardio... high resistance and elevation... check
Tried to figure out what bicep weight to use, gave up after eight sets...
4 sets of tricep work out... check
3 sets of 45 degree inverted sit ups with 50 pounds on my chest... check
3 sets of squats... check
I am not as tired as I once was after working out.... I am officially down 46 pounds with increased muscle mass all over my body. I am down to about a 38 waist line. I feel I have made great progress, but there is still a part of me that considers myself quite hideous when I look at my pictures. I am not sure if this is a disorder or just the part of me that knows I'm not done yet. Maybe a bit of both. I think I know what it is, though. When I tell people I've been working out they look surprised when I tell them how much I've lost... as if it doesn't show. This does not help my paranoia...
Though I care very little about what people think, that little bit does effect me.
Skipping the rest of that thought... So, a lot of what one of my classes had me thinking about recently was about what type of therapy I use on myself, and I was happy ti figure out it was Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). I have alway been a fan of CBT due to the amount of evidence it has behind it. This also makes it just a bit more likely that I will use it in my practicum. We'll see I suppose.
Masters is interesting. I am feeling the stress of several assignments being due every week, but I am not certain I am challanged. I think the MFT chair, one of my teachers, wants me to do the MFT degree... Speaking of which, I hate some of the MFT students. Specifically two of them think they know everything, even though they constantly answer questions incorrectly... I do not envy the person that has them as a therapist.
Back to the though... It has officially been 3 1/2 months since I have heard any voices. I seem to be doing something right in that arena, but I have been fighting depression. I have been fighting depression far more than I let anybody know. It isn't a full MD episode, it lasts a couple days and then I have a break. This last week when I was sick was an example of it... I felt quite useless... and I felt I let myself and my teachers down. These thoughts are, of course, irrational, and it does help that I know that. Skipping forward again...
Mark and Nina got engaged... this makes me very happy.
So, yesterday I was driving away from class and I drove by a man running down the street. As I drove past I heard him yelling 'Stop, thief!'... So i stopped and picked him up. Some kids stole his bikes, and I drove him around looking for them. This was unsuccessful, but he was very happy I stopped. That is when I found out he was the Chair of the Art Department on campus. He was a british guy who, aside from being chair, painted artwork for tarot cards... fascinating guy. Too bad about his bikes.
I have noticed some of my friends really getting much closer to me... This has been an active thing on their part... I am not certain what to think about this... or even why. I know that I have been a much happier person (other than the depression I have been hiding) as of late... but it still is strange to me.
So this depression. I am thinking it might be related to my unhappiness about being alone. I have enjoyed this freedom, but I am wonderng what effects it is having on me.
Now time to go through a rather insane thought I had... I spent so much time taking care of Heather... I wouldn't trade the eperiences for anything, but I wonder if it has somehow negatively effected me. Now, this negative effect I speak of is due to Erickson's stages of development... specifically the one I should be on... where I was supposed to be bonding with a woman and starting married life... This seems like nonsense to me, due to me being actually ready for a relationship now... and I wasn't before, I know that... But the self doubting part of me is focusing on this. Luckily the Daoist part of me is laughing at that other part of me... it is an interesting concert in my head.
At least I am beginning to find women attractive again. There is one girl in my masters program (another clinical student thankfully) that I think may be one of the most beautiful women I have ever met. Too bad she is taken. Luckily she works at Coffee Bean, so I get to see... err stare at her through my periphrials... admire her. This isn't a teenage lust sort of thing, although I do find her physically attractive... it is everything about her. I am happy to know that she exists. This distinction is important because there are no unrequited feelings... simply positive feeling that make me smile when I see her, and she seems to make it a point to smile at me and talk to me whenever she can, so I must have a positive effect on her.
So, quitting smoking. I am down from smoking 12 cigarettes to about 7. pretty good jump for a 2 week period. 7 is the average, considering I smoke more when I drink and far less when I am at home. ( 9 drinking, 3 at home). We'll see how it progresses.
I could keep going, but I think I am going to stop here... Goodnight all.
Just got done working out...
35 minutes of cardio... high resistance and elevation... check
Tried to figure out what bicep weight to use, gave up after eight sets...
4 sets of tricep work out... check
3 sets of 45 degree inverted sit ups with 50 pounds on my chest... check
3 sets of squats... check
I am not as tired as I once was after working out.... I am officially down 46 pounds with increased muscle mass all over my body. I am down to about a 38 waist line. I feel I have made great progress, but there is still a part of me that considers myself quite hideous when I look at my pictures. I am not sure if this is a disorder or just the part of me that knows I'm not done yet. Maybe a bit of both. I think I know what it is, though. When I tell people I've been working out they look surprised when I tell them how much I've lost... as if it doesn't show. This does not help my paranoia...
Though I care very little about what people think, that little bit does effect me.
Skipping the rest of that thought... So, a lot of what one of my classes had me thinking about recently was about what type of therapy I use on myself, and I was happy ti figure out it was Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). I have alway been a fan of CBT due to the amount of evidence it has behind it. This also makes it just a bit more likely that I will use it in my practicum. We'll see I suppose.
Masters is interesting. I am feeling the stress of several assignments being due every week, but I am not certain I am challanged. I think the MFT chair, one of my teachers, wants me to do the MFT degree... Speaking of which, I hate some of the MFT students. Specifically two of them think they know everything, even though they constantly answer questions incorrectly... I do not envy the person that has them as a therapist.
Back to the though... It has officially been 3 1/2 months since I have heard any voices. I seem to be doing something right in that arena, but I have been fighting depression. I have been fighting depression far more than I let anybody know. It isn't a full MD episode, it lasts a couple days and then I have a break. This last week when I was sick was an example of it... I felt quite useless... and I felt I let myself and my teachers down. These thoughts are, of course, irrational, and it does help that I know that. Skipping forward again...
Mark and Nina got engaged... this makes me very happy.
So, yesterday I was driving away from class and I drove by a man running down the street. As I drove past I heard him yelling 'Stop, thief!'... So i stopped and picked him up. Some kids stole his bikes, and I drove him around looking for them. This was unsuccessful, but he was very happy I stopped. That is when I found out he was the Chair of the Art Department on campus. He was a british guy who, aside from being chair, painted artwork for tarot cards... fascinating guy. Too bad about his bikes.
I have noticed some of my friends really getting much closer to me... This has been an active thing on their part... I am not certain what to think about this... or even why. I know that I have been a much happier person (other than the depression I have been hiding) as of late... but it still is strange to me.
So this depression. I am thinking it might be related to my unhappiness about being alone. I have enjoyed this freedom, but I am wonderng what effects it is having on me.
Now time to go through a rather insane thought I had... I spent so much time taking care of Heather... I wouldn't trade the eperiences for anything, but I wonder if it has somehow negatively effected me. Now, this negative effect I speak of is due to Erickson's stages of development... specifically the one I should be on... where I was supposed to be bonding with a woman and starting married life... This seems like nonsense to me, due to me being actually ready for a relationship now... and I wasn't before, I know that... But the self doubting part of me is focusing on this. Luckily the Daoist part of me is laughing at that other part of me... it is an interesting concert in my head.
At least I am beginning to find women attractive again. There is one girl in my masters program (another clinical student thankfully) that I think may be one of the most beautiful women I have ever met. Too bad she is taken. Luckily she works at Coffee Bean, so I get to see... err stare at her through my periphrials... admire her. This isn't a teenage lust sort of thing, although I do find her physically attractive... it is everything about her. I am happy to know that she exists. This distinction is important because there are no unrequited feelings... simply positive feeling that make me smile when I see her, and she seems to make it a point to smile at me and talk to me whenever she can, so I must have a positive effect on her.
So, quitting smoking. I am down from smoking 12 cigarettes to about 7. pretty good jump for a 2 week period. 7 is the average, considering I smoke more when I drink and far less when I am at home. ( 9 drinking, 3 at home). We'll see how it progresses.
I could keep going, but I think I am going to stop here... Goodnight all.