Cliques and other social awkwardness.
Cliques. Never been good with them, never will be. I'm very aware of social structrures around me, but, I have no idea how to deal with them. I often have friends, but, when those friends are part of a larger group, who know each other well and I'm the "new guy" well, it takes time to intergrate in the group. I understand that.
However, when someone else who is also new, and that person gets like, absorbed into that clique, well. I get confused. Confused and pissed off. Not that I don't, eh, grant them the pleasure of being accepted. it's just that I don't understand why they do get accepted and why not, well me.
So what do I do? I start acting like a retard. Or just hyper. Running to people, being intense. Just anything to get a reaction. Hey, you want a massage? No? Well, how about I start poking at that mask of yours? Oh hey, nice wall, what;s behind it? Ah, so you wanna share secrets? Sure!
It's gotten to the point where I;m frustrating myself. I can't seem to find a middleground. Either I'm like a big display of fireworks or just a little failing match. I need to give people the chance to get to know me, to let them approach me. But, at the same time, I need to present myself as being approachable. It's so confusing it's almost hurting me.
And yes, I am aware that I have autism, but, I don't wanna lay the blame on that all the time. I want to learn that I don't have to jump at every chance of social interaction. I need to understand that when you talk with someone and there's a silence, it doesn't mean there's something wrong.
These are things I need to work at, and have patience with. It also means I'll need to find a way to deal with all this energy I have inside myself.
However, when someone else who is also new, and that person gets like, absorbed into that clique, well. I get confused. Confused and pissed off. Not that I don't, eh, grant them the pleasure of being accepted. it's just that I don't understand why they do get accepted and why not, well me.
So what do I do? I start acting like a retard. Or just hyper. Running to people, being intense. Just anything to get a reaction. Hey, you want a massage? No? Well, how about I start poking at that mask of yours? Oh hey, nice wall, what;s behind it? Ah, so you wanna share secrets? Sure!
It's gotten to the point where I;m frustrating myself. I can't seem to find a middleground. Either I'm like a big display of fireworks or just a little failing match. I need to give people the chance to get to know me, to let them approach me. But, at the same time, I need to present myself as being approachable. It's so confusing it's almost hurting me.
And yes, I am aware that I have autism, but, I don't wanna lay the blame on that all the time. I want to learn that I don't have to jump at every chance of social interaction. I need to understand that when you talk with someone and there's a silence, it doesn't mean there's something wrong.
These are things I need to work at, and have patience with. It also means I'll need to find a way to deal with all this energy I have inside myself.