(no subject)
Weeeeeeeeee stream of consciousness stuffs! <3 mowf
Going to Mexico with my Dad has been pretty complicated but adversely also pretty helpful. It's been a lot of processing with him about my gender identity, him and my mom's divorce, sexism and classism. I've reached a point where I've soaked up a lot of stuff to process and am itching to get back home and get re-connected to my community back home, the folks I live with, and my dearest sweetie. There's been a lot of weird gender shit here; a lot of incorrect pronouns and my dad calling me "his son." Nothing I haven't dealt with before, but it's harder when the only person I'm around is my Dad right now, and all we have to do is talk to each other. It's been good to read Whipping Girl while being here talking with my Dad about my own stuff. I can see how I've grown a lot since I've last had a serious conversation with him. I have a lot more self-confidence. I can stick up for myself better. I can interrupt him when I want to say something instead of letting him just keep running over me with what he has to say. I've stopped feeling as angry at him, and more just found places where we disagree, and also understand what he was going through with my mom. With alcoholism. With growing up poor and trying his hardest to get out of poverty. He's worked on a lot, but there's a lot more stuff that I can see that I want to work on that he hasn't yet. Stuff about social oppression that he seems to look right through.
Hearing him talk about his childhood and how his family now reflected his childhood and his parents makes me really scared of falling into the same patterns that he tried to get out of. Of not having friends around him or positive relationships. I'm trying really hard to work through my past and my own experiences and heal as much as I can. I know I can do it, but I definitely need a community around me to support me. I need people to talk to about it. I need people to call me on my crap so that I can see it for myself and see what I have to work on. I'm really appreciative of the friends and partner I have in my life, because I know that they're helping me become a better person, and I hope that I can help them do the same. I want to work as hard as I can on my heart all the time, and pick up where my Mom and Dad left off, with what they left me.
Going to Mexico with my Dad has been pretty complicated but adversely also pretty helpful. It's been a lot of processing with him about my gender identity, him and my mom's divorce, sexism and classism. I've reached a point where I've soaked up a lot of stuff to process and am itching to get back home and get re-connected to my community back home, the folks I live with, and my dearest sweetie. There's been a lot of weird gender shit here; a lot of incorrect pronouns and my dad calling me "his son." Nothing I haven't dealt with before, but it's harder when the only person I'm around is my Dad right now, and all we have to do is talk to each other. It's been good to read Whipping Girl while being here talking with my Dad about my own stuff. I can see how I've grown a lot since I've last had a serious conversation with him. I have a lot more self-confidence. I can stick up for myself better. I can interrupt him when I want to say something instead of letting him just keep running over me with what he has to say. I've stopped feeling as angry at him, and more just found places where we disagree, and also understand what he was going through with my mom. With alcoholism. With growing up poor and trying his hardest to get out of poverty. He's worked on a lot, but there's a lot more stuff that I can see that I want to work on that he hasn't yet. Stuff about social oppression that he seems to look right through.
Hearing him talk about his childhood and how his family now reflected his childhood and his parents makes me really scared of falling into the same patterns that he tried to get out of. Of not having friends around him or positive relationships. I'm trying really hard to work through my past and my own experiences and heal as much as I can. I know I can do it, but I definitely need a community around me to support me. I need people to talk to about it. I need people to call me on my crap so that I can see it for myself and see what I have to work on. I'm really appreciative of the friends and partner I have in my life, because I know that they're helping me become a better person, and I hope that I can help them do the same. I want to work as hard as I can on my heart all the time, and pick up where my Mom and Dad left off, with what they left me.