(no subject)
Sleeping on couches and little balls of anxiety creeping up every so often. Keeping it together and pushing everything out. Screaming into pillows and talking to friends and owning up to things I know I can do better, as well as remembering to not take on the things that aren't my issues, as I have a habit of taking on things that aren't mine and making them my fault. Fighting a push-pull behavior I do in which I assert myself, but then having a fear that I pushed too hard and that I'm gonna get rejected and over-compensate in the other direction. Which to the person on the other end of this behavior, ends up being an exponentially more confusing and hurtful experience. Taking time to get out of that behavior and feel a bit more emotionally level-headed again. Pluh. I'm regretful that I acted that way, but in comparison to how I've handled similar situations like this one in the past, it's definitely an improvement to not saying anything at all and letting myself get completely run over.
Basically since I've been down in Portland life has been fucking intense, one thing after another, like I'm gutting out and re-vamping everything that doesn't work in myself and putting new parts in that work how I want them to. This past week has been rough and hard but I feel like I've seen myself value my own feelings and my own self-worth and assert myself in a way that I haven't done before, though that has also come with my share of slip-ups and mistakes that I want to recognize. I really want to work through this and be comfortable hanging out with my sweetie again, but I know that there is some hurt on both sides and these things sometimes take some time for the dust to settle.
Basically since I've been down in Portland life has been fucking intense, one thing after another, like I'm gutting out and re-vamping everything that doesn't work in myself and putting new parts in that work how I want them to. This past week has been rough and hard but I feel like I've seen myself value my own feelings and my own self-worth and assert myself in a way that I haven't done before, though that has also come with my share of slip-ups and mistakes that I want to recognize. I really want to work through this and be comfortable hanging out with my sweetie again, but I know that there is some hurt on both sides and these things sometimes take some time for the dust to settle.