(no subject)
(this is totally going to be without any background story and just me processing something)
There are a few layers that I feel contributed to what happened last night;
-Having certain circumstances(ride back to oly stuff, exhaustion coming and going) that made me flip-flop my plans a lot.
-Having extended hangouts together of a mainly domestic setting, which started bringing up fears about intimacy and being close + vulnerable. I felt like this also contributed to how I communicated my flip-floppy plans with not a lot of finesse or carefulness, because I think I started becoming more nervous about how long we had been in the same space together. Because I started feeling this trigger I think it made it more difficult for me to carefully guide through a situation where my decision making was going back-and-forth and I wasn't sure what I wanted to do.
-It sounded like there have been experiences in the past where you've had people make a lot of sudden decision changes and that has led to a lot of hurt, and that when I started flip-flopping on my decisions it started bringing this up for you.
-I communicated my changes in decisions with less sensitivity and carefulness than I usually do.
-I wasn't aware that you had canceled plans with the other person that you were going to hang out with that night in order to intentionally spend time with me. In general it's [very] important for me to be consistent, especially when plans are made with someone that I know is intentionally setting aside time to spend with me. I think that had I known that you had done this while trying to make a decision, I would have approached the situation differently and with more understanding and sensitivity that you had set aside time to intentionally spend the night solo w/me.
It seems like we both set off issues in one another last night, which hasn't happened before. Which makes me feel even more super scared of intimacy and of getting hurt. But I don't think that backing off and shutting down because of it is what I want to do. I think that this is something we can acknowledge and work through and know how to better prevent this kind of situation from arising in the future and deal with what fears we have. Though I would understand completely if this is something that you feel like you need to take time to cool off from.
I am learning [so] much from this connection and I'm in a fragile place where I'm transitioning a lot right now and there are a lot of changes and shifts. I am a tough cookie + I'm not going to let my issues cause me to run away. I ain't neva scared ugh ughh. Well actually that's not true, I'm scared a lot. But I'm going to face those fears.
There are a few layers that I feel contributed to what happened last night;
-Having certain circumstances(ride back to oly stuff, exhaustion coming and going) that made me flip-flop my plans a lot.
-Having extended hangouts together of a mainly domestic setting, which started bringing up fears about intimacy and being close + vulnerable. I felt like this also contributed to how I communicated my flip-floppy plans with not a lot of finesse or carefulness, because I think I started becoming more nervous about how long we had been in the same space together. Because I started feeling this trigger I think it made it more difficult for me to carefully guide through a situation where my decision making was going back-and-forth and I wasn't sure what I wanted to do.
-It sounded like there have been experiences in the past where you've had people make a lot of sudden decision changes and that has led to a lot of hurt, and that when I started flip-flopping on my decisions it started bringing this up for you.
-I communicated my changes in decisions with less sensitivity and carefulness than I usually do.
-I wasn't aware that you had canceled plans with the other person that you were going to hang out with that night in order to intentionally spend time with me. In general it's [very] important for me to be consistent, especially when plans are made with someone that I know is intentionally setting aside time to spend with me. I think that had I known that you had done this while trying to make a decision, I would have approached the situation differently and with more understanding and sensitivity that you had set aside time to intentionally spend the night solo w/me.
It seems like we both set off issues in one another last night, which hasn't happened before. Which makes me feel even more super scared of intimacy and of getting hurt. But I don't think that backing off and shutting down because of it is what I want to do. I think that this is something we can acknowledge and work through and know how to better prevent this kind of situation from arising in the future and deal with what fears we have. Though I would understand completely if this is something that you feel like you need to take time to cool off from.
I am learning [so] much from this connection and I'm in a fragile place where I'm transitioning a lot right now and there are a lot of changes and shifts. I am a tough cookie + I'm not going to let my issues cause me to run away. I ain't neva scared ugh ughh. Well actually that's not true, I'm scared a lot. But I'm going to face those fears.