(no subject)
Last night in the middle of my last class ever I got this huge ball of anxiety in my belly. A feeling I typically get when something is very wrong or when I'm being triggered. Oof, transition has had it's waves of being hard and bringing up past experiences. In a few moments it suddenly hit me super hard that I'm leaving in two weeks. Leaving my super lovely home + moving away from some dear friends and companions.
I've still been getting a grasp of clearly articulating the triggers that are coming up right now. And how I feel like it's relating to experiences from my past and my parents' divorce, and in particular what happened with my relationship to my mom. It feels really complicated right now. Being triggered always feels like a sudden storm of messy, confusing, often [conflicting] feelings. Feelings of being scared of the fragile state I'm in and needing lots of support. But at the same time being scared to ask for it or that I don't deserve it, and having a distrust that the support I am getting isn't solid or is going to disappear.
Triggers are [most] acute when there is a combination of being 1) very intimate and close with someone, while also 2) going through big transitions of friend community and support network.
In general when I am [super] intimate and vulnerable with someone it reaches this point where suddenly I have major fears that the connection will suddenly disappear. And my body has a hard time being convinced that I'm not going to be abandoned or left in the dark.
So when I'm in a transitional time where the rest of my community is changing, and I'm left with only a few people as my primary supports, I get faced [far] more intensely with those fears of [trust] and [abandonment].
I know that I've typically gotten through these issues in the past by building a stronger community around me. And I have plans to do that as it's an important thing for me to feel healthy. But I also don't want to side-step the issues I'm being faced with by doing that. It is [so] important for me to be intimate and vulnerable with people, and be mega-close emotionally, and I want to face my fears around that and deal with them and get them out of me. Because it feels super good to be ultra-swoony and in love and I want to be able to embrace it.
I've still been getting a grasp of clearly articulating the triggers that are coming up right now. And how I feel like it's relating to experiences from my past and my parents' divorce, and in particular what happened with my relationship to my mom. It feels really complicated right now. Being triggered always feels like a sudden storm of messy, confusing, often [conflicting] feelings. Feelings of being scared of the fragile state I'm in and needing lots of support. But at the same time being scared to ask for it or that I don't deserve it, and having a distrust that the support I am getting isn't solid or is going to disappear.
Triggers are [most] acute when there is a combination of being 1) very intimate and close with someone, while also 2) going through big transitions of friend community and support network.
In general when I am [super] intimate and vulnerable with someone it reaches this point where suddenly I have major fears that the connection will suddenly disappear. And my body has a hard time being convinced that I'm not going to be abandoned or left in the dark.
So when I'm in a transitional time where the rest of my community is changing, and I'm left with only a few people as my primary supports, I get faced [far] more intensely with those fears of [trust] and [abandonment].
I know that I've typically gotten through these issues in the past by building a stronger community around me. And I have plans to do that as it's an important thing for me to feel healthy. But I also don't want to side-step the issues I'm being faced with by doing that. It is [so] important for me to be intimate and vulnerable with people, and be mega-close emotionally, and I want to face my fears around that and deal with them and get them out of me. Because it feels super good to be ultra-swoony and in love and I want to be able to embrace it.