(no subject)
It's difficult for me to place responsibility on a sole experience to make sense of certain characteristics about me and who I am today. But every so often there are pretty clear connections that I feel can be drawn to past experience and how they have affected me in the present. In this case, it's not to say that only past trauma is a primary effect. But it can certainly be a big one.
I spent a lot of time at my Dad's home during thanksgiving thinking about when my parents got divorced. And all of the different aspects of that experience, and what happened to me in it's different phases. I remember finding my mom's stashes of weed. And not being familiar with weed, not knowing my mom smoked it, it made me scared, and I hid the stash. And later my mom talked to me, telling me she wasn't going to smoke it anymore. I should just flush the stash that I hid. And the months following, I had this experience over and over, finding more weed, her telling me again that she had quit. Over and over.
I am now more familiar with weed and how mild of a drug it can be. But weed aside, the bigger issue was that my trust in my mom, a primary support person in my life, had deteriorated. And shortly after, my parents' got divorced for a number of other reasons on top of dishonesty. I know that my mom had her own issues that she was dealing with and that she was doing what she had to do, but it doesn't change the fact that I felt abandoned by her, and that she lied to me.
I think about close relationships I've had with cis-female people in my life now, and certain issues that have specifically come up in those connections. They're not always present, and in fact, many of these issues are rare and hardly present at all. But especially in times of change, or times of transition, there are certain insecurities and fears and come up that I rarely see in myself.
I have had fear of needing more support than usual, and of being in distress. I get so scared and apologetic to ask for that kind of support. Partly because of issues I've had with taking up emotional space. But now I'm thinking that a part of that may also realte with fear of being abandoned. I have noticed that I will sometimes deal with emotional changes and times where I'm especially in need by instead shutting myself off and removing myself, in times where I may need support the very most. It's like my heart suffered abandonment once, and now it tries to get control of the situation by instead removing myself completely to even avoid the possibility of going through that trauma ever again.
In general, I don't consider myself a very jealous person. It just doesn't come up for me, and I really like having polyamorous connections in my life. But especially when I start having some of these issues come up when things start changing, during big transitions, I notice that I start feeling jealous. Stemming from an insecurity and fear of being abandoned and left behind.
Of course this isn't to say that my parents' divorce is the sole reason these things pop up. But I think about that divorce -feeling abandoned, moving to a new home and being emotionally run over- and how I've felt now in moving and shifting communities; scared of asserting myself, asking for support, and fear of being abandoned. It's too coincidental. I think it's pretty safe to say that how I've been feeling is more than just an odd similarity to the past. It's fucking triggering is what it is.
My body is trying to protect me. From a trauma that, of course, is hardly a reality now. It's a defense mechanism. And it is not serving me anymore.
I am so far away from when I was 14, and it is so far behind me. I don't have to be there anymore. And I'm trying to tell my body that I don't need that shield anymore. I am so okay right now. I am so safe here. Do you hear me, heart? You don't have to be afraid now. There are people all around us that care [so] much about us, and they are not going anywhere. They love you.
We have to let go of what we no longer need.
I spent a lot of time at my Dad's home during thanksgiving thinking about when my parents got divorced. And all of the different aspects of that experience, and what happened to me in it's different phases. I remember finding my mom's stashes of weed. And not being familiar with weed, not knowing my mom smoked it, it made me scared, and I hid the stash. And later my mom talked to me, telling me she wasn't going to smoke it anymore. I should just flush the stash that I hid. And the months following, I had this experience over and over, finding more weed, her telling me again that she had quit. Over and over.
I am now more familiar with weed and how mild of a drug it can be. But weed aside, the bigger issue was that my trust in my mom, a primary support person in my life, had deteriorated. And shortly after, my parents' got divorced for a number of other reasons on top of dishonesty. I know that my mom had her own issues that she was dealing with and that she was doing what she had to do, but it doesn't change the fact that I felt abandoned by her, and that she lied to me.
I think about close relationships I've had with cis-female people in my life now, and certain issues that have specifically come up in those connections. They're not always present, and in fact, many of these issues are rare and hardly present at all. But especially in times of change, or times of transition, there are certain insecurities and fears and come up that I rarely see in myself.
I have had fear of needing more support than usual, and of being in distress. I get so scared and apologetic to ask for that kind of support. Partly because of issues I've had with taking up emotional space. But now I'm thinking that a part of that may also realte with fear of being abandoned. I have noticed that I will sometimes deal with emotional changes and times where I'm especially in need by instead shutting myself off and removing myself, in times where I may need support the very most. It's like my heart suffered abandonment once, and now it tries to get control of the situation by instead removing myself completely to even avoid the possibility of going through that trauma ever again.
In general, I don't consider myself a very jealous person. It just doesn't come up for me, and I really like having polyamorous connections in my life. But especially when I start having some of these issues come up when things start changing, during big transitions, I notice that I start feeling jealous. Stemming from an insecurity and fear of being abandoned and left behind.
Of course this isn't to say that my parents' divorce is the sole reason these things pop up. But I think about that divorce -feeling abandoned, moving to a new home and being emotionally run over- and how I've felt now in moving and shifting communities; scared of asserting myself, asking for support, and fear of being abandoned. It's too coincidental. I think it's pretty safe to say that how I've been feeling is more than just an odd similarity to the past. It's fucking triggering is what it is.
My body is trying to protect me. From a trauma that, of course, is hardly a reality now. It's a defense mechanism. And it is not serving me anymore.
I am so far away from when I was 14, and it is so far behind me. I don't have to be there anymore. And I'm trying to tell my body that I don't need that shield anymore. I am so okay right now. I am so safe here. Do you hear me, heart? You don't have to be afraid now. There are people all around us that care [so] much about us, and they are not going anywhere. They love you.
We have to let go of what we no longer need.