No Offense, Really
This entry is going to be long, and it's going to be very personal, and there's going to be some but, I feel, it needs to be said. The subject is discrimination.
Last week, I answered a personal ad on a website. The person I talked to seemed like a really good match. Her ad stated a desire for the same kind of relationship that I wanted and her profile listed several common interests. I sent her a message.
We exchanged emails for a while, back and forth, and I found that we were as much alike as I'd hoped. Same games, same television and we both liked to spend our time doing arts and crafts. She came across as a very gentle person, and someone who I could spend a long time around.
But there's only so much one can talk about via email, only so much you can learn about the other person. There's issues of personality and chemistry to work out and you can only really cover those face-to-face. But when the time came to discuss an actual date? This was her response:
“...no offense to you at all but I'm looking for a real girl without the weenie...But we can still be friends and
hang out...”
I was...how should I describe my feelings at that time? I was shocked to hear this coming from a person I liked so much. I was upset at the casualness of this statement. I was hurt by the implication. And I was, frankly, amused of her choice of euphemisms.
As you can probably guess, I am in the beginning-middle stages of my transition. What that means, for the uninformed, is that I've been working on this for a while: I take hormones twice daily, I go to a therapist to ensure that my current dosage doesn't send me spiraling into a depression (They haven't yet, though I'm lucky), and my doctor has me take blood tests very frequently to make sure I don't overstress my liver. The other stuff is, frankly, none of anyone's business-No offense.
Now, I understood where she was coming from. You can never be sure if someone will be accepting of you. And even if, there's no guarantee they'll want to date you. There was a time when I simply accepted this fact, and chose to present my self as a man for the purposes of finding a partner.
But It was uncomfortable, and I met a lot of the wrong people because I did that. (Not bad, just wrong) So, on this one website, I chose to disclose my status on my profile page for anyone to view. And I expected a lot of rejection emails.
But she was very nice, and she didn't seem to hate me, so I replied back:
"I kinda expected you to say that. I can understand how my status could be off-putting. And I'd still like to be your friend. :)
But I do wanna say that I'm not a boy, or a fake girl. I know you didn't mean anything by it but it kinda smarts hearing it phrased like that.”
I didn't blame her at all. I stated my hurt and I said we could still be friends despite her lack of desire for romance. But I received no apology. Just another “No offense” and back to business as though it had never happened.
People don't often think things through before they say them. People don't often think things through after they say them. Hey, I don't always remember to think things through. But there's a couple of things that could do with a bit more thought:
- “If you need to say no offense, you've already offended someone.”*
- “People will automatically hear the inverse to whatever statements you make.” **
What I'm getting at, is words hurt, and your meaning goes a lot deeper than what you just say. When you say that you only want to date a “real girl” or a “real woman” or you state that your club only admits “real men”, you are implying that there is such a thing as a “real girl, a “real woman” or a “real man” and worse: you imply the existence of “fake men”, “fake girls” and “fake women”.
This is an implication that hurts. It hurts just as much as being told you can't use a specific bathroom, or being told that you'll "never make a good woman so why are you even trying?"
But it's more subtle. It's the casual disagreement with someone's identity that chips away from their self esteem.
I can tell you from experience that the major blows are hard to take, but they're so much easier when you aren't faced with the constant nagging pain in your chest. It's a pain that doesn't go away overnight, and it's something that some people have to deal with forever. It's the feeling that you don't fit in. It's the feeling that your family stopped loving you, once you took off that mask. The feeling that people don't like you, or want to know you for yourself.
It says: “Hey, you're ugly and you should feel ugly.”, and “You should give up on yourself. You'll never look the way you feel!", "Why don't you just put a gun to your head?" and "People will never do anything but hurt you because you're a freak.”.
Everything that you've ever heard, every unfairness you've experienced because of who you are gets shoved into your ribcage, compressed, and then amplified until every needling feels like a knife plunging deep into your heart.
I know she didn't mean to hurt me. I know that she's a decent person. Heck, we actually became friends!! But the implications of the words “real girl” are not something that can be completely wiped away with a simple “no offense”. And statements like that, and the thought processes behind them, are what stand in the way of fighting the bigger injustices.
People will never stop hating you, if the people who actually like you don't treat with respect. And that self-loathing, that liked to pop its little head, will be a lot smaller, even non existent, if there were a more considerate atmosphere in this world. I am who I am, and I shouldn't be uncomfortable or outright hurt because of that. Thank you for your time, and I hope that you found this useful. If you didn't? I intended no offense.
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* The source of this quote is unknown. But if you know it, please tell me.
** I think my math teacher said that, but I can't be sure.
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