all the things we didn't say (juntoshi) - oneshot
Title: all the things we didn’t say
Author: muohcu_t
Chapters: One long-ass oneshot (9110 words)
Rating: PG-15
Genre: angst x50000, romance, slice of life
Parings: Juntoshi
Warnings: Hints of smexy-sexy times. Unbeated. Swearing. Drinking.
Disclaimer: I own only the plot. I make no money of this writing and I only do this for fun. Tatah~~
Summary: Jun had always been a bit awkward around others. He’d strain himself to laugh and speak only ending up saying weird stuff. Ohno always thought that was just how he was; weird, but trying to get accepted. When he discovered why Jun was like he was, he decided he had to always be by Jun’s side, supporting him.
Notes: God, sometimes I hate myself Jesus Christ.
He discovered Jun alone and crying one day.
They were about to get their make-up done for their TV-appearance, but Jun had suddenly disappeared. Ohno, being done with make-up, said he would go look for him, and after looking for him in several places he finally found him by the emergency exit. His head was between his knees and his shoulders shook. He was taking shaky breaths. Ohno could tell that Jun was trying so hard to hold back his sobs only to fail and choke them out painfully.
Ohno crouched down and placed a hand on the other’s shoulder. Jun looked up quickly, but looked away as soon as he saw who it was. His lip was quivering, but he quickly hid it away from Ohno, placing his head between his knees again before pushing away the other’s hand harshly. The action surprised Ohno, but he quickly replaced his hand on the other’s shoulder again. “Jun, what’s wrong?” he asked gently, trying to lure the other to speak, but was met again with rejection. Jun pushed his hand away from his shoulder and shrugged. “Leader,” he miserably said between his sobs. “Go away.”
Ohno hated this. He didn’t know what to do. Jun might have just called him Leader, but in the end it was just a nickname. He was nothing like a leader. Hell, he wasn’t even much of a friend for not knowing what to do in these kinds of situations. Should he leave Jun alone like he’s asking him to, or should he stay and comfort him? Well, he couldn’t leave Jun alone like this. Definitely not like this. But how in the world was he supposed to comfort Jun? He hadn’t even seen Jun cry this hard before! Whatever it was, it had to be serious. Maybe someone died?
In the end Ohno sat down next to Jun, leaned into him and did what he did best; stay silent. Jun tried to shrug off Ohno at first, but when he realized that Ohno was not about to let him go, he gave in and leaned into Ohno and cried into his shoulder. Ohno pet his head, but he didn’t say anything. He waited patiently for Jun to speak up, and it took a while before Jun calmed down and stopped crying. He was still leaning into Ohno, though. Ohno thought he seemed tired the way he is supporting himself against Ohno. It made him frown. What could have brought Jun so low so he hid away and cried so hard it hurt and shook Ohno’s insides?
Jun slowly sat up straight again, making cool air hit Ohno where Jun had cried and wet his shirt. Jun was frowning as he looked at the dark stain left by his tears before he turned away. He dried the remaining tears on his face and sniffed a bit, his nose being runny after his horrible breakdown. Ohno’s arm was still draped around his shoulders and once again he tried to shake it off. “Leader, just go ahead,” he said with a shaky voice, slightly hoarse after all the sobbing. “I’ll be there in a second. I just have to wash my face first.”
Ohno frowned. Instead of letting go he got a better hold of the other’s shoulders. “Jun,” he said seriously. “I can’t just leave you alone like this,” he said and with that he had trapped Jun. Jun had to answer to him, to talk to him. Jun wouldn’t be able to handle all the worried glances Ohno would throw at him anyway, for Jun hated making others worried. He liked to worry about others. Jun knew this, and he sighed, his breath still came out a bit shaky and uneven.
“I can’t tell you. You would freak out,” he said lowly. It made Ohno pull his eyebrows together in disagreement. “Is it something that would trouble me?” he asked, disbelieving. He couldn’t believe Jun would cry so hard just for him, no matter how close friends they were. But Jun just looked away. “It probably would trouble you,” he answered miserably. It made Ohno slightly sad. Jun didn’t trust he could handle it whatever was bothering him. “Try me,” he encouraged still. It was all Jun needed. He drew in a breath.
“I’m gay,” he said.
The silence that followed was thick. None of them said a word. Jun tried to get away from Ohno once again, but Ohno wouldn’t let him, and only held him tighter. Ohno figured Jun must be choking up inside because of his cruel silence, but Ohno didn’t know what to say. He himself did not see anything wrong with being gay, but then again he clearly wasn’t gay, and Jun was indeed very upset by this fact. He only continued to sob. In the end he gave up trying to get away from Ohno. He just held his head in his hands as he continued to cry, less hysterical now.
“Ehm,” Ohno began, but stopped again to think of what to say. He knew he had to say something. “When did you find that out?” he asked, hoping he didn’t say something wrong. Jun tried to calm down, breathing shakily. “Not so long ago..,” Jun weakly said due to crying so much. Ohno pressed his lips together and pulled his eyebrows together. “And it makes you upset?” he asked, more so to buy himself some time, but Jun answered anyway. “It’s not like I’m against gays,” he began. “It’s just… I… It’s just that… Fuck!” Ohno jumped a bit at Jun cursing. “My dad will hate me…”
Ohno sighed before pulling Jun into a real embrace, not just him holding on to Jun’s shoulders. “Jun,” he started, but was interrupted by Jun. “But everything is wrong! This is so wrong!” he said, making Ohno’s heart clench at the words. He quickly shook his head; “No!” It seemed to calm Jun down a bit, making him even hold onto Ohno, by wrapping his arms around the other man. “Jun is not doing anything wrong. Jun never does anything wrong,” Ohno continued to try and comfort the other boy.
They sat there for a while, Ohno holding Jun in his arms, stroking his back. Though, Ohno knew he had to let go soon. They had a TV-appearance to attend, but Ohno was sure Jun wasn’t able to go. He figured he could talk to their managers and the director and so on, because he would definitely not let Jun go out on television while being so upset. He couldn’t. He had to make sure of that.
He let go of Jun as Jun pulled back. He had now completely calmed down and only dried the wet trails left on his face away. Before he could speak anything or stand up and go Ohno quickly spoke up. “You’re not going on television now,” he said seriously, making Jun upset. But Jun gave in when Ohno said he would talk to everyone and make sure it was ok for Jun to go home. It wasn’t like they were performing or anything, so it wouldn’t matter.
“I’ll come by later,” Ohno said to Jun before he waved him bye and Jun was gone.
That had been the moment Ohno decided he had to take care of Jun when no one else could.
-----
Jun kept it a secret from everyone else. He had made Ohno promise not to tell anyone, not even their band mates. Ohno wouldn’t have told anyway, since it really wasn’t his story to tell. If Jun wanted to keep it a secret, that was fine. But he had also told Jun that if he needed to talk about anything he could come to him. Even though he wasn’t much of a talker, nor was he good at giving advice, but he could at least listen to Jun if it was needed. It seemed like Jun was grateful. Though, Jun never told him how he discovered he was gay. Jun never said if it was because of some crush of his or if he generally just found other men attractive. He didn’t ask either, figuring Jun would tell him if he felt the need for it.
But Jun never said much. He kept mostly to himself, and whenever Jun and Ohno were speaking Jun always talked about other things, such as things he was obsessed with or what he had heard about someone or some funny stories he had experienced recently. Ohno didn’t bring up the gay-issue either. He didn’t want to upset Jun, and he thought Jun would be ok as long as he distracted Jun from his troubles.
It seemed to work for a while too. But in the end Jun became angrier and didn’t have much patience for co-workers, fans or band mates. He would snap easily at others, creating a bad mood for everyone. It was also around that time he started smoking, Ohno noticed. Jun probably tried to find a way to calm down Ohno figured, so he thought he could just continue trying to distract him from all the irritation and anger.
It went on like that for a while before Jun calmed down a bit. Ohno noticed it whenever they hung out together, either the two of them or if they were with friends. Jun’s smile found its way to his face easier and he was less tense. The conversations went more smoothly and everybody just seemed happier.
Ohno was happy as well, until one day Jun and he were hanging around at Jun’s apartment.
They were just enjoying themselves with some beers and some movie together over some take-out they had ordered but what Jun ended up paying for. They ate and watched the movie, rarely saying anything besides commenting what was happening on the screen sometimes. As the food was eaten and the movie was over, they continued drinking and chatting with each other. It was then Jun announced it.
“I have a girlfriend,” he laughed.
Ohno knew he was a bit beyond being tipsy (and that he most likely had to stay for the night), but he surely hadn’t drunk so much that he heard things wrong? “I thought you were gay,” he said with his eyebrows pulled together in confusion. That, though, only made Jun chuckle. “I am,” he said with a smile. “But I have a girlfriend.” “How can you have a girlfriend when you’re gay? Or are you bisexual suddenly?” Ohno asked again in confusion. “No, it just happened. She’s cute, though,” Jun sighed. “This is really stupid isn’t it?” he said then.
Ohno could only nod; “Yes, it is.”
-----
Jun rarely talked about his girlfriend.
He had mentioned her to the rest of Arashi, but it wasn’t like he ever told them what was really going on. Sometimes whenever Aiba asked how it was going Jun would automatically answer that it went well, just like any other person would. But Ohno wondered just how it really went considering that Jun hadn’t told his girlfriend that he was gay and he was still together with her. She must have surely noticed something? Or was Jun really just really, really, really good at acting (not like Ohno didn’t know that from before)? But there was one question that bothered Ohno much more than any of the other questions:
Was Jun really happy like that? Living that constant lie and denying his true self?
He asked Jun that one night they had gone out for some drinks. It had been him, Aiba, Jun and some staff people, but once Jun and Ohno went home together they finally had some privacy, making it possible for Ohno to ask such a private question. It had made Jun stop mid-step, making Ohno stop as well. Jun had drunk so much he had to have Ohno to support him home. Currently they were on their way to some taxi-line.
“Happy?” Jun asked, somewhat bitter. “Will I ever be happy in any way like this?”
Ohno wasn’t quite prepared for such a sad answer. In his drunken state, he only knew that he didn’t want his friends sad. “Of course you will be happy! As long as you stay true to yourself!” he replied quickly and held onto Jun tighter, as if he knew his words fell to deaf ears. He was right about that. Jun only huffed out “yeah, right,” before staying silent the rest of the way home to his apartment.
As they got into Jun’s apartment, Ohno helped Jun to his bed. Even though Ohno quite knew the architect of Jun’s apartment, Jun insisted on keeping on telling directions to his bedroom. Ohno also helped Jun change into his sleeping clothes for the night; a simple, clean t-shirt and his boxers and the socks they hadn’t bothered to take off. Then Ohno pushed Jun to his bed before covering him with his blanket.
Then he went and slept on Jun’s couch, but not before hearing Jun mumble something about Ohno being the greatest friend in the whole world. It made Ohno smile.
-----
Ohno had worked many hours. He had gotten a new role for a drama, and it required a lot of work. Even though it was nothing Ohno couldn’t manage, he was still very exhausted and tired after all the rehearsals, interviews, recordings, filming and other work that had weighed him down the past few days. He was tired, and the only thing he did when he came home was take a shower and sleep for a couple of hours before he was out of his apartment again.
Therefore he was a bit annoyed when he noticed that Jun was sitting by his apartment door that night when he came home.
Jun seemed drunk and he was probably asleep. His head was leaning against Ohno’s front door while his legs were stretched out across the floor. His eyes were closed and his mouth hung slightly open. The sight made Ohno sigh before he crouched down and shook the younger man’s shoulder, trying to wake him up. His attempts only made Jun close his mouth, turn his head slightly away from Ohno and sigh. Jun’s eyebrows were pulled together as Ohno shook him harder and in the end Jun’s eyes opened in small cracks.
“Get up, Jun-kun,” Ohno commanded, but was only met with a groan. Ohno rolled his eyes in irritation. “Get up, or else I’ll leave you here outside to freeze. You’ll probably get sick like this,” Ohno said, annoyed. Jun opened his eyes more, and Ohno could see they were blinded by alcohol. In the end Jun managed to get up with Ohno’s help, and they got themselves inside the apartment. Ohno ended up having to help Jun get out of his outerwear. It was then he noticed Jun’s feet were extremely cold.
“How long have you been sitting there?” Ohno asked, but he didn’t really expect an answer. Jun still did. “I don’t know. A few hours, probably,” Jun muttered as he was leaning against the hallway wall while Ohno struggled with Jun’s shoes. The answer made Ohno frown. “Were you alone?” he asked again, taking one of Jun’s cold feet in his hands and trying to warm it. “I was, but what are you doing? Holding my foot?” Jun asked looking down at Ohno who was stroking his foot. “Your feet are freezing. Come, let’s get you to bed,” Ohno said, letting go of Jun’s foot before getting up and helping Jun walk.
“I’m not really that drunk,” Jun said. Ohno had noticed it. Jun wasn’t really leaning on him because his inability to walk, but rather because Jun was tired just like how Ohno was. Ohno could feel it.
“I know,” he replied.
“I could have gone home,” Jun continued. Ohno wasn’t really sure what he was hinting at, but he couldn’t be bothered.
“Yeah,” he nodded, tired.
“I can take your couch for the night,” Jun said in the end.
“No, you’ll be cold,” Ohno denied.
“But if I take your bed, where will you sleep?” Jun asked turning his head to Ohno.
“Eh? I’ll sleep with you,” Ohno replied as if it didn’t matter.
“Eeeh?”
“Well, I would take the couch, but it’s late and I’ve been working all day and I’m tired, so we’ll just share. My bed is big enough anyway,” Ohno said entering his bedroom with Jun.
He let go of Jun as he moved over to his chair by the corner of his room where he had left his t-shirt he had slept in the night before. He didn’t care that Jun was still standing by the door, looking at him as he quickly undressed his shirt and pants. Then he put on his t-shirt, before heading towards the bed. Jun hadn’t moved at all.
“You’ll probably find some bigger shirts in my closet. Aiba has bought me many of those,” Ohno lazily said as he pulled up his blanket and got in. He heard Jun shuffle somewhere by his closet before he felt the bed dip on the other side. “Good night, Leader,” he heard Jun mumble as he got under the covers. “G’night,” Ohno replied. “Sorry for crashing at your place and occupying your bed like this,” Jun continued sleepily.
“Jun never does anything wrong,” Ohno replied, knowing Jun probably had a reason to come to his place that night.
-----
Jun broke up with his girlfriend.
No one knew when it happened, but suddenly Jun was flirting with some waitress he seemingly fancied while they were out eating. He had only replied that he had dumped his girlfriends a couple of months ago. Jun somehow never seemed to share much, Ohno thought. Yet, he knew that whenever Jun needed something, he would regretfully and shamefully ask for it, like that one time he had shown up drunk at his doorstep. Ohno still didn’t know why Jun had done that, but he had let the other in and even let him sleep on his bed. Jun didn’t need to tell him why he needed to share a bed, but Ohno would give it to him a million times anyway.
Because Ohno would do anything for his friends, especially Matsumoto Jun.
Yet, Jun was never one to really ask for anything. He’d have to be a bit drunk at least before he’d sink so low. Therefore Ohno found it almost a bit strange when Jun asked him to accompany him for dinner one night. If one didn’t know Jun they would have probably thought it was just an invitation for a normal dinner between friends. But Ohno did know Jun and he could immediately see that Jun was troubled.
So they went out to some seafood restaurant and got into the more private area of the restaurant. For a while they just kept the atmosphere light and talked about normal stuff like work and arashi and more work and arashi. And when the food arrived, they concentrated on eating, sometimes commenting on the food, but since no one was there for them to entertain they mostly remained silent. It wasn’t until they were drinking what was left of their drinks, before Jun finally brought up what was really bothering him.
“I told my parents,” Jun suddenly said, making Ohno slightly jump. It made Jun smile slightly at the older man.
“You told them what?” Ohno asked. Jun leaned in closer.
“That I am gay,” he said lowly, making sure no one was listening.
“Oh,” Ohno said. He couldn’t really come up with anything. To be honest he thought Jun had already told his parents that he was gay. It had already been years after all.
“Hmm, so how did it go?” Ohno asked when he realized that if he didn’t the silence would have swallowed them completely. Jun had a moment of thought.
“Well, it didn’t go too bad,” he said after a while.
“They were a bit disappointed, but they’ll live,” he continued. “Also they said they’d just rely on my sister to get them their grandchildren.”
“Haaa…”
Once again the silence swallowed them. This time Ohno didn’t really know what to say. If Jun’s parents took the matter so well, why was Jun so troubled still? Why was he always troubled? But before Ohno could ask what was wrong, Jun ordered the bill, breaking the heavy atmosphere. They paid (well, Jun did anyway) and left the restaurant separately.
Later that night Ohno called Jun again before going to bed.
“Jun?”
“Hmm?”
“You know if there is anything troubling wrong you can tell me, right?”
“Yes.”
“I’m just… I guess I’m just a bit worried about you.”
“You don’t have to be. I’ll be fine.”
“Ok… Good night!”
“Good night.”
-----
Nothing seemed wrong after that. Jun was in a better mood than usual and he did his best with his drama, TV-shows, music and everything of work he could come over. Ohno, too, was busy with work, but still had time to occasionally go out fishing. They were both doing their own thing, only meeting each other if they were recording one of their TV-shows. But Jun seemed happy, so Ohno didn’t really think much about it.
Though, they were out drinking one night for the first time in a long while. It had been Jun, Ohno, Sakurai and some Arashi ni Shiyagare-staff, but after the meal and the drinks they had all decided to go home. Jun, though, had grabbed Ohno’s arm and dragged him into the same taxi as his. Ohno didn’t really think about it; his mind was bit foggy. “I just thought we’d drink some more at my place,” Jun said as the taxi took off. Ohno nodded.
They drank some more beer, laughing about nothing while the TV was on in the background, accompanying the sounds of their laughter as they were sitting together on Jun’s couch. None of their conversations would be remembered the next day, but it didn’t matter. Whatever they were talking about was nonsense anyway.
But then it happened. After a silence that passed one of them (Ohno couldn’t tell who) reached out for the other and gave a small kiss. And suddenly they were kissing as if their lives depended on it. Deep down Ohno knew this was wrong, but at that moment it felt good. Ohno enjoyed kissing Jun, or maybe he was being kissed by Jun? It didn’t matter in the end. They were kissing, and it was good. A bit too good. Soon enough they were trying to undress each other while clumsily getting into Jun’s bedroom.
The next morning Ohno woke up with a heavy head and an urge to pee. He opened his eyes and was met with a blinding light that sharply pained the right side of his head. After lying in the bed, struggling with adjusting to the light, he sat up only to realize he was in Jun’s bed. And he was naked. And Jun was lying next to him, probably naked as well.
Ohno frowned before getting up, grabbing his boxers on his way out of the bedroom. In the hallway he found the rest of his clothes along with some of Jun’s. He remembered Jun had started undressing himself first, so his shirt was probably in the living room still. Ohno felt the heat crawl up to his cheeks, embarrassed of what had happened that night. The image of Jun lying under him, writhing and panting, kept flashing behind Ohno’s eyelids, making him squirm at the thought.
In the end Ohno quickly showered, stole some of Jun’s painkillers (and left some for Jun along with a glass of water on his bedside table) before he called a taxi and went off home, all the while he kept trying to shake off the happenings that night. Yet, the more he tried to shake it off the more he thought of it. And the more he thought of it the more he squirmed at the thought of it. It wasn’t like he was against it. But there was just something about it that just made him squirm uncomfortably. He couldn’t quite explain it, since it wasn’t really wrong.
Jun never did anything wrong.
-----
They didn’t see each other for a couple of days, both of them busy with different kinds of work. Ohno went to fish one day too, since he felt he needed some time off. He knew, though, that when he came back he’d have to face Jun again for VS Arashi-recording. For a while Ohno and Jun seemed like they didn’t know each other, but both of them knew it couldn’t last. Yet, somehow they managed to interact with each other through the recording.
It was after the recording Jun asked to speak with Ohno in private, and they had taken off and found an unused office and locked the doors. Jun sat down on a couch by the wall while Ohno sat down on a chair facing Jun directly. Then the silence ensued, swallowing them both and turning their gazes away from each other. Jun sighed.
“Look, I’m sorry about this whole thing that happened,” he said, still not looking at Ohno. “I don’t know what came over me, but it shouldn’t have happened. Not with you, at least.”
Ohno stared at Jun in confusion, but Jun didn’t meet his gaze. Jun looked like he was really nervous, almost scared, but Ohno couldn’t understand what for.
“It’s ok,” Ohno said honestly, which only seemed to bring more confusion to Jun.
“Ok? What we did was not just us taking some small stroll in the beach and fuck I just… I don’t know,” Jun babbled while seemingly more and more scared and sad. “I just don’t want to lose you as a friend.”
Fuck, Ohno should have thought about that. In any other friendship this would be a huge problem and most likely the end of a friendship. Fuck, Ohno was so stupid for not realizing Jun’s fears earlier. And he hadn’t even thought about the possibility of them drifting apart from each other because of one passionate night he wasn’t even sure of what exactly happened. If something like that happened then Ohno wouldn’t know what to do of himself. He wanted to support Jun.
“You’re not going to lose me,” Ohno said, determined. Jun stared at him directly in the eye now, as if to search for some lie there that would reveal Ohno for his true intentions. But Ohno had always been as honest as a dog and Jun could sense that. For a moment Ohno could see relief fill Jun’s face before he brought his hand to his face as if to swipe off the relief and put on a smile.
“I’m glad,” Jun said with and honest smile.
They talked for some time more before both of them had to run off for different errands. Jun had promised himself off for some drinking later, but Ohno had been up very early that morning so he declined joining the party and instead went home and had some extra rest.
-----
Things went well then for several weeks. Ohno felt happy at work and Jun seemed to be enjoying himself as well. Whenever they went out to eat and drink they both enjoyed themselves a lot. Ohno felt comfortable and he was pleased that Jun seemed as well. Every time Jun smiled that happy smile of his, it filled Ohno with a comfortable warmth. Ohno couldn’t explain it, but it felt good to be with Jun, to hug him, to talk to him, to eat with him, to fall asleep next to him after too many drinks.
All seemed well, until Ohno realized it wasn’t just a friendly warmth he felt towards his friend.
Several months had gone by since they had had their talk, but the warmth had still lingered on in Ohno’s chest. Sometimes he swore he could even feel his heart rate go faster, making him slightly giddy whenever he was with Jun. Ohno knew this feeling. He was not stupid. He was just stupid to not have realized it sooner. It all made sense. It had made sense since even before Jun confessed that he was gay. He only now realized it when he sat at home and had nothing better to do than to actually think about his feelings.
Ohno was in love with Jun.
“Fuck.”
-----
Ohno’s feelings complicated things. He couldn’t just hang around with Jun anymore with the same ease as before. Now impure thoughts kept bothering him, he wondered about too many what-ifs and he fantasised about too many far-off futures that most likely would never happen. The result was that Ohno ended up slightly avoiding Jun. It wasn’t like it was noticeable, since he always had good excuses too not go drinking/eating/sleeping over etc. He was an Arashi member after all, there was always something going on that he could easily excuse himself with. If all failed, he could excuse himself a visit to his mother, saying he hadn’t seen her in a while.
But eventually Ohno started missing Jun, and he would sometimes accept the offer of an after-work beer, but he was careful to not get too drunk and he made sure to get home, even if they were drinking just a few feet from Jun’s place. Jun had started to think something was wrong, Ohno noticed. Once they had been drinking a bit too much, but Ohno still hopped in a cab and went home. Just before he had gotten in the car, he had caught the glimpse of Jun’s confused drunken expression and he felt the fill him up.
What kind of a friend had he become?
It lead to him thinking over his choices lately the following morning and finally made a decision. He would stop being an idiot and just be there for Jun. That’s it. Fuck his own feelings, things were fine just as things were. No need to complicate things anymore. As long as Jun needed a friend, then he would be there for him. Ohno had decided that a long time ago, but lately he had failed his own promise.
So, the next time Jun asked him to go out for a few drinks he gratefully accepted the offer. They had gone to one of their favourite places. The mood was very relaxed and happy, and Ohno drank more than he had done in a while. He had even stayed over at Jun’s place and fallen asleep on the couch. The following morning he had woken up alone, but with some boiled eggs at the counter. Jun really was very nice.
And they went out several times. Sometimes they had other Arashi-members with them, their managers, or some staff with them, but most of the time it was just the two of them. Ohno enjoyed it and it seemed like Jun was enjoying himself as well. And again months passed by with work filling their days. Ohno rarely had time to think of his feelings. It was only when they had been drinking and fallen asleep sharing a bed that he would lay awake, troubled. And sometimes Ohno felt lonely those nights there was only him. Sometimes, he couldn’t sleep at all, only finding himself in front of the mirror not feeling anything at all. Empty and tired.
He felt himself shrink. Every day he became smaller and smaller. His steps felt heavy, and he spoke even less than before. Even with Arashi he hid behind the other members. But Ohno was an actor, he made sure none of the others worried anything about him, especially not Jun. If they asked him to join for dinner, he would come. If someone told a joke, he would laugh and if required, play along. The only thing that might have given away his state of mind lately would be that he slept all the time. If he had five minutes in the break room, it was guaranteed that he would be sleeping. No one seemed to really mind or notice much, since he still did his job all right enough.
It was only at home he let himself drown in frustration, angst, anger, sadness, and in the end emptiness. He wasn’t able to neither eat nor sleep. His hours at home were only filled with him staring at nothing. But he had to protect Jun, even from worrying about him, so if this was how it was going to be, then so be it. Ohno would live like this.
Ohno would live like this for Jun.
-----
Work occupied most of Ohno’s life. He had just gotten a role for a new drama again and Arashi was releasing a new single for it. The single was thought to be the first of a series of four singles connected to a future album they were working on as well. Ohno was choreographing the dance for the first single and possibly two more later. Basically Ohno was drowning in work.
At first Ohno had thought it would be good to just focus on work, but it just ended up with him being really exhausted. He still didn’t get much sleep at home, and he definitely didn’t get more sleep at work. The only sleep he got was whenever he was being driven somewhere. Just sitting in a car was so relaxing, Ohno felt like he could be driven away forever.
These days Ohno was being an asshole to the others. He knew it and he hated himself for it. He especially hated himself when he saw the looks Jun gave him. He was worried, and Ohno felt like the worst friend ever. But he didn’t have the energy to pretend anymore. He didn’t have the energy to act like he had fun at dinner or to pretend that he only wanted a beer with his friend and not to just cuddle with Jun until sleep finally swam over him.
Jun. His friend Jun. Sometimes it felt like Ohno’s feelings overwhelmed him, making him feel slightly choked. There were times when he wished he had never met Jun, because then he wouldn’t feel anything for him. He wished he didn’t have to be his friend, because being friends made everything so much harder than just colleagues. He could have survived with Jun if they had just been in the same dance group, he thought, but not in Arashi. Arashi required more than friendship, a family, but nothing close to what Ohno felt. And it made him feel like there was no room for him in Arashi anymore.
In the end it was too much.
All these thoughts just washed over him at the worst moment. They had just released their single, and they were doing promotions. They were performing at Music Station. The lights had just turned on. Choreography had started. Ohno missed his first step, but jumped back just one second later. It was a high-tempo song, making the choreography even more challenging. Ohno missed some steps here and there, very unlike him. He hoped the cameras didn’t notice. At least he sang well. Shit, the lyrics? He wasn’t so sure. Let the others cover him. Pretend he’s singing. Focus on the dance, yes. Chorus coming up. He’s feeling nauseous. He might not make it through the song. His vision is blackening. He hits the ground.
Fuck.
-----
Ohno woke up at the hospital. He was alone, and he felt sick. There was a glass of water on the bedside table. He drank it up, and felt slightly happy he didn’t immediately throw it up. But he knew all the trouble he had caused. Fainting during a live performance, God, was it even possible? He had never let the others down like that before. He felt like shit. He really fucked up. And he could already hear the scolding from everyone. The management, Nino, maybe even from Johnny himself. And most definitely from Jun.
And then he vomited, just in time for the nurse to come and clean it up after him.
The days went by slowly. His doctor told him he was dehydrated and malnourished, topped with being stressed and overworked. His manager had come in and told him everything was all right, but he had lost the drama role, unfortunately. The rest of Arashi was taking care of the media right now, telling everyone that he was fine and just needed some rest, which was very much true. Ohno needed to sleep, eat and then sleep some more.
Nino came and visited him for a short half an hour, which Ohno was very happy about. Nino had a way of making Ohno feel calm, so having him visit was very much welcomed. Also, Nino didn’t ask or bug him about what was bothering him. Nino had long ago figured that if Ohno felt like sharing then he would tell. If not, then he would be ok after a while. Ohno appreciated that.
None of the others visited. Aiba sent a box of chocolates with Ohno’s manager and a card that said “Get well!” while Sakurai had called him for five minutes, asking if everything was alright and if he had been eating and sleeping and done everything the doctor said to do and so on. Ohno tried to reassure him that he was fine, as fine as he could be. It was depressing Jun hadn’t done anything to contact him.
Until the day before he was released from the hospital.
Ohno had been sleeping when Jun had come in. As soon as Jun noticed that his fellow band mate was sleeping, he had closed the door as silently as he could. He pulled up a chair next to the bed and then watched silently his band mate sleeping. His phone was turned off so there was no way even the buzzing could disturb his friend. He had cleared off his schedule for the day, getting up extra early to do photoshoots and interviews before variety show shoots. And now he waited.
It took Ohno 46 minutes for him to wake up. When he sat up on his bed the first thing he noticed was that his dear friend was sitting on his chair, arms crossed with a concerned look on his face. Ohno looked down at his hands, not really wanting to meet his friend’s gaze. His feelings devoured him once again, making it slightly harder for him to breathe normally. Surely Jun noticed, but he didn’t say anything. He only said one word, very calmly and Jun-like.
“Hey.”
Ohno nodded; “Hi.”
“Are you feeling ok?”
And Ohno really didn’t want to lie. He really wanted to say that everything was fine as ever, but that wasn’t true. All the rest in the world couldn’t cure him right now. So, instead of being dishonest, he finally let go of what was left of his façade.
“No, I feel awful,” he said. “I let you guys down… I’ve been an awful friend and colleague, and I’m really, really sorry.”
Jun didn’t say anything. He only gave one long sigh, before he leaned back in his chair, slightly ruffling his hair as he looked at the ceiling, probably trying to find out what to say.
“I just wonder how did it come to this? Why didn’t you say anything?” he said in the end, making Ohno feeling even worse about the whole situation.
“I thought I could handle it..,” he tried weakly, but he knew it was bullshit. They had had difficult schedules before, and they weren’t old enough that the schedule was troublesome yet. And Jun knew that as well. He could feel Jun’s gaze on him calling out on his bullshit, but instead of accusing Ohno of anything he asked only one question.
“What’s wrong?”
“You,” Ohno wanted to say. It was the answer to his question, but he couldn’t just confess everything now, could he? Instead he said nothing.
Jun only sighed as the minutes ticked by. “I’ve got the rest of the day off, so you can just start explaining what’s wrong already,” he said.
“Are you going to spend your time off with me?” Ohno couldn’t help asking.
“Of course,” Jun said. “I have to take care of my friend, don’t I? You have been there for me for so many times already, it is about time I paid you back with all of my support.”
Ohno’s heart beat a heavily at the word “friend”. Of course, Ohno had been Jun’s friend and support throughout the years. Of course Jun would want to repay the support. Of course Jun had noticed something was wrong this time. Of course he would set off time for Ohno to make sure he was alright, to support him. But it wasn’t what Ohno needed. Ohno probably needed space right now, but that was out of the question. They were in Arashi after all. How much space could you really ask for in Arashi? When he got out of the hospital he would have 1 week off to recover and then it was on again. Not as much work as before though, but still.
But he couldn’t turn Jun away now. He had been there for him through his darkest days, and now when he was in a fucking black pit, he couldn’t expect Jun to just walk away if he asked him to. Or, Jun might walk away, but Ohno didn’t want Jun to think it was his fault. It was all Ohno’s fault, him and his stupid feelings. And if he were to turn away Jun now, Jun would only think that their friendship had been all just fake and/or meaningless. Fuck, Ohno hated himself right now.
“So, what’s wrong, Ohno?” Jun asked. “This is not like you. It’s not like you to not eat and drink. It’s not like you to not sleep. I’m worried about you.”
Ohno didn’t know what to say, so he remained silent, testing Jun’s patience without meaning to.
“Is it something about us in Arashi?” Jun asked, slightly concerned.
Ohno shook his head.
“Is it something about me?” Jun asked, more hesitantly now with good reason.
Ohno swallowed, but said nothing. The lump in his throat didn’t go away.
“So, it is about me then..,” Jun stated sadly.
Ohno felt guilty. Jun must have misunderstood. There was nothing wrong with Jun. Jun was perfect! He had always been perfect. And now he had made Jun feel as if there was something wrong with him. He had to speak up.
“It’s not you, Jun. It’s just that..,” Ohno began, not really knowing how to continue.
“It’s just what?”
“My feelings for you have changed.”
“Changed?”
“I like you.”
There. He had said it. He had come out clean. There was no turning back now, and Ohno already regretted it. He wanted to swallow back his words, for this silence was choking him. He felt tears pressing against his eyes. There was no way they could ever go back to the friendship they once had. Now he had done it. He had broken their bond, and there was no way of fixing it. He was such a terrible friend.
Jun’s eyes had widened in shock. He was slightly blushing, making him look slightly embarrassed as well as shocked. “You like me?” he asked, still probably believing he had misheard Ohno, but Ohno’s silence only confirmed his words. Now Jun looked more nervous, slightly avoiding Ohno’s gaze, looking around to the room while playing with his hands.
“I’m sorry,” Ohno managed to mumble out, still holding back his tears.
“Since when?” Jun asked, ignoring Ohno’s apology.
“I don’t know… maybe since we … yeah, or… I don’t know,” Ohno was just stumbling over his words, trying his hardest to keep it together.
Jun looked very serious. “Is this why you haven’t been eating? Sleeping even?” he asked.
Ohno could only nod. He didn’t trust his own voice.
Suddenly Jun got up from his chair. “I need time to think,” he said. “I’ll contact you later.”
And then he left.
Ohno let his tears run.
-----
The next day he had been released from the hospital. He hadn’t received a word from Jun at all, and he didn’t dare to ask his manager what Jun was doing, if he had off days or if he was working or something. Instead he went home and just sat there. He ate his food and he slept when he thought it was late enough. He had to drug himself to sleep, but it was better with a dreamless sleep than no sleep apparently. At least time passed by quickly that way.
But Ohno still felt tired. He literally did nothing, yet somehow he was still constantly tired. He was feeling more and more depressed for every minute that ticked by without hearing anything from Jun. He was so sure he had ruined everything. Their friendship was all for nothing, he had failed as a friend. Arashi would break up and he would be one of those idols that never found their way back into society. Everything he had done his whole life didn’t matter anymore. It was all gone now.
Then suddenly he got a text message, and it was from none other than Jun. It read nothing more than this; “Dinner tomorrow at 8. Please come.”
By this point Ohno had thought that he had given up on everything, but the rapid speed of his heartbeats told him different. Suddenly he was fidgeting in nervousness and he couldn’t sit still for long. Different scenarios started playing in Ohno’s head and he tried to imagine how to respond to different situations. Even though he tried to be hopeful, he prepared mostly for rejections. They could never be, after all. They were friends and they were Arashi, THE Arashi. If they were getting together, how would the management take it? The media? Johnny? Arashi? Ohno couldn’t tell. Most likely they had to hide everything, and Ohno didn’t know if that would be Jun’s cup of tea. Hell, he didn’t know if HE was Jun’s cup of tea.
Ohno’s head was nothing but a mess. In the end he decided he could only just go to Jun’s place and hope for the best, and that hope was that it wouldn’t ruin Arashi or even better: that their friendship could still go back to what it once was. It was a small hope, but there had to be something that brought him to Jun’s front door. If he had given he would still be in bed. So he knocked on the door, and soon enough Jun stood in front of him.
Jun looked relaxed, that bastard.
He was wearing an apron, but underneath he was only wearing sweat pants and a random t-shirt, like he always did after getting home from work. And here Ohno had showed up in his finest pair of jeans and a nice freshly ironed shirt (well, he had just bought a new shirt, and that meant it was just ironed, right?). Jun also dared to be so relaxed that he smiled friendly at Ohno.
“Hey! Come in,” he said gesturing Ohno to enter, before he left the hallway to probably go check on his proud work of art called dinner.
As Ohno was taking off his jacket and shoes he just got irritated at Jun who seemed to think this was only a relaxed dinner party between two friends. It seemed as if Jun had given him no thought since the hospital visit, and that slightly hurt. Ohno had thought his feelings were at least worth rejection, and not just total ignorance.
But at the same time Ohno could definitely live with just forgetting what happened at the hospital. Ohno had after all wished that they could go back to what they were, and if that was what Jun had concluded with then he would also be content with it. It was just right now he was just irritated. Jun could have at least told him he would be fucking ignoring everything about this whole mess.
He observed Jun from the kitchen doorway. Jun hadn’t noticed him coming in, too busy trying to perfect his curry rice. Ohno amused himself thinking that it didn’t matter with more or less salt, he would still eat it. Anything that came out of Jun’s kitchen was already perfect. But still, Jun was fooling around in the kitchen making sure that every piece of meat was tender and juicy while the vegetables had to be cooked, but still slightly firm. Ohno knew that that’s how Jun liked his curry.
When Jun finally turned around and noticed Ohno at the doorway he jumped back before he chuckled. Finally Ohno could see some nervousness showing in Jun as well, but Ohno didn’t know if it comforted him or not. At least Jun was not an ass and left him hanging, right?
“Oh, there you are! Could you maybe get two spoons from the drawer, please?” Jun said, quickly recovering himself from being surprised.
Ohno only nodded before he went to the knowingly went to the drawer. He had been in this apartment many times, he knew where everything was. He handed the spoons to Jun, for Jun liked to be in control.
“Thanks! Dinner’s almost ready, you can go and sit down by the kotatsu,” Jun said, smiling.
Many people thought of Jun as modern, fashionable and maybe even a bit western, but Jun was indeed the type to have a kotatsu at his house. His was very simple. It was covered with a thin, but warm, brown blanket. There were no chairs around it, only flat pillows. It was actually quite comfortable, even though it didn’t look like it at first sight. Jun had probably spent a lot of money on that kotatsu. If it was something Jun was going to use, he would want it in the finest quality, no matter what the price is. Jun was like that.
Jun never invited people over to his house. Except for Ohno.
Ohno sat by the table, pulling the blanket over his crossed legs. Jun came soon enough with two plates of curry rice, raw egg on top. He placed the plate in front of Ohno, before sitting next to Ohno on his right side.
“Itadakimasu,” Ohno said, his hands together in gratefulness, looking at Jun. Jun didn’t look back.
“Itadakimasu.”
Then they didn’t speak for another 30 minutes, dragging their meal for as long as they could. But in the end the last rice corn was eaten, and they were still challenging each other to speak first, yet no one dared. It wasn’t until Jun got up and mumbled something about taking the dishes out that the silence was broken for half a second it took for Jun to take their plates into the kitchen. Ohno was left alone.
At first Ohno just sat there in the warm comfort of the kotatsu, but it seemed like Jun was just taking more time than needed that he in the end decided to get into the kitchen to finally talk with Jun. This dancing around the subject was only torture.
Jun was doing the dishes by hand. Every spoon, fork, spatula, pan, pots… everything was being washed by hand, one by one. This was ridiculous, Ohno thought.
“Jun, we need to talk,” he said, finally speaking the words that had hung in the air between them.
“Yes,” Jun said, leaving everything in the sink as he turned around. Jun hadn’t been wearing gloves, and now his fingers looked like they belonged to an 80-year-old woman.
“Have you… eh, considered my feelings?” Ohno asked, hesitantly. He hated being in this situation, just waiting for an answer. Just waiting to know if he was in heaven or hell.
“Yes, I’m just gathering my courage,” Jun replied.
“Gathering your courage?” Ohno asked, confused.
“Yes, for this,” Jun said and pulled Ohno in for a kiss.
Ohno heart was beating like mad. He could feel warmth filling his toes and cheeks, slightly embarrassed, but mostly excited. And he kissed back. Boy, did he kiss back. And Jun kissed back, and he kissed back as if they were competing fireworks, it felt so amazing that he just couldn’t stop smiling into the kiss. Ohno didn’t know for how long they kissed, but for a while it felt like forever.
But all good things come to an end, and Jun pulled them apart. Jun was smiling, cheeks slightly burning in embarrassment and excitement. Ohno couldn’t help but smile back, giving Jun a hug. Jun returned the hug, giggling while he lifted Ohno off the ground slightly making Ohno laugh as well. Jun let him go and Ohno landed on the floor with a thud, before kissing Ohno’s forehead. Jun looked at him dead-serious.
“I like you,” he said.
“I like you too,” Ohno said back.
Jun pulled him into a hug and for a while they just stood there, in the kitchen, embracing each other.
“You said you liked me since we were drunk that one time, is that true?” Jun asked after a while.
“Yeah, I think so at least,” Ohno answered.
“But it’s been months already! Why didn’t you say something?” Jun asked, more worried now.
“Because I knew you needed a friend and I wanted to be there for you,” Ohno replied. Jun’s shoulders sank down to Sho’s level.
“Satoshi..,” he began. “I don’t know what I would’ve done without you by my side throughout these years. You’ve been there at my lowest points and supported me until I was back on my feet again, on the right course. You’ve always been the most important person in my life, and to think that you drove yourself over the edge because you felt you couldn’t tell me anything… it hurts a bit, you know?”
Jun looked slightly sad. Ohno didn’t like that.
“I just didn’t want to trouble you with my feelings. I’m sorry,” he said.
“Next time just tell me, ok? Don’t want you in the hospital every time you want to kiss me,” Jun said, lightening the mood between them again.
“Ok..,” Ohno said, smiling back at Jun. “So, can I kiss you again?”
Jun didn’t even bother to answer. He just brought their lips together again.
Ohno didn’t complain.
-----
Author's notes:
Well, I've been working on this one for years probably, on and off. And I am so sick of it now, Jesus Christ.
Anyway; My life has completely changed since the last time I posted here. I mean, I just started studying music production and everything is just different now. I even have a boyfriend, and I never write anything but lyrics these days.
But somehow this one fanfic had to be written and shared with the world and my god it also had to be the longest one yet. It has probably changed direction since I just let it lie around for so long, but now it's done. I can rest in piece now. wohoo .
Ah, time to hit the bed.