"I was a queen" - 9
Title; "I was a queen"
Author; muohcu_t
Status; on going
Characters; OC, alicenine; Nao and Saga
Rating; PG-13 ?
Genre; angst
Disclaimer; I own only the plot and the original characters. I make no money of this writing and I only do this for fun. Tatah~~
Summary; "Fame. Something that oh-so many of us want. But is the life of the famous female vocalist of 01:01 as everyone wants it to be?"
Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 - Part 5 - Part 6 - Part 7 - Part 8
Saga had stopped at the door to the dressing room. He had been on his way to pick up his cigarettes when he had heard crying inside. As he peeked inside to see what was going on, he had seen Nao cry whereas the cursed diary of Cho had been placed in front of him. At that Saga had turned around and walked away. He had passed by Shou on his way, and curiosity killed the cat; he followed the vocalist, but remained standing at the door and listened to their conversation which had made his heart bleed.
He entered the room as the vocalist and the drummer had left. It didn’t take long before he had sat on the couch and stared at the book. His thoughts were running wild. Nao had cried over this. What could have been so … tragic that even Nao would cry? Nao didn’t know Cho that well. Saga knew Cho. Saga was sure he had fallen for her. He missed her so much and was regretting every day. He regretted not seeing her more when she was alive. He regretted not asking her out. He regretted not kissing her.
The thought of her brought tears to his eyes, but they merely wet his dry eyes. Had he cried too much already? He wanted a time machine and change things. He would have told her how much he missed her. Yet, time moved only one way and that was further and further away from Cho. Her time had ended. He wondered if he ever meant anything to her. They had only been neighbours for a while many years ago. Maybe she didn’t even think of him as anything more than that? Or maybe she had only thought of him as the bassist of alicenine, creating a greater distance.
It made him curious, and the book was right in front of him. It didn’t take long before he picked it up and started reading.
February 16th, 2009
Dear Diary
I am killing myself as of this moment. I’ve swallowed too many pills. I’ll probably be dead before the hour has passed, but I can’t find myself regretting anything. The past few months has eaten me whole. There is nothing left of me anymore. I can’t find myself living this lie anymore. I don’t want it anymore. It pains too much. There’s only so much I can bare. I can’t take it anymore. It’s over.
I’m so sorry I couldn’t do this. I know that this is what I’ve always wanted as far as I can remember. The fame, the fans… In the end it was more of a curse, really. I just wished I could have left the house without anyone jumping on me. I want some quiet. I hope I can finally get the peace I’ve wanted for so long. I feel relieved, even before I’m dead. There is no fear, only relief.
Don’t worry about me mum, dad and everyone I’ve ever cared for. My tortured soul is finally at peace. Please don’t feel sad and don’t blame yourself. I don’t want you to blame yourself. This is my decision and there’s nothing you could have done. I’m sorry. This is all my doing. There really is no more to it. So please don’t blame yourselves. I love you too much for it. I wish my death could have been without the pain it will cause, but I’m afraid I can’t do it. Not even for you.
There’s only one thing I regret. I should have met him more. I want to see him. I want confess to him, but there is really no use anymore. Sure, I have his phone number, but I’m dying, you see? What good would it be if I were to call him now and tell him I’m in love with him? But I wish I knew what he thought of me. I wish I would have been braver. I wish I would have just asked him to meet me somewhere and I could have confessed or something more cliché. I’m sorry I couldn’t do it, and now it’s too late. I can’t take it anymore.
I love you all. My friends, family, band mates, even fans… but I just can’t take it anymore. Please go on with your lives. I don’t want you to grieve me. I don’t deserve it for leaving you like this. I want you to move on with your lives. I love you. I care for you. Please take care of yourselves. I want to see you do well. I love you! Good luck! Stay strong!
I’m afraid I’m starting to feel the effects of the pills. I’m getting sleepy. I surely can’t stay up much more. I’ve already put on my favourite album of all time. The music is filling my lungs as I’m taking my last breaths. There really is no other way I would want to die. I’m happy for the first time in months. No more do I need to cover myself whenever I step outside. No more moving out of my apartment due to someone finding it out. No more doing tours that are all too much for my physical health. No more interviews where they ask only cruel questions. No more sneak-photographers in my bushes. No more Cho, the female visual-kei vocalist.
Only Cho.
Goodbye.
Saga let book slip from his fingertips. It hit the floor with a thud. He really didn’t know anymore. He didn’t know anything anymore. Everything was so strange. Saga thought of how she had died. Pills, she said. She must have died peacefully, thank God. All these images of her covered in blood were burning away from his memory. She died peacefully.
He was somehow relieved himself, but at the same time he felt this restlessness in his fingertips. He should have called her and asked her out. He wanted to do it. He had always wanted to do it, but never did it. Now it was all too late. He could try to confess to her grave, but she would never listen. She was at peace and would always be, for time had moved on.
He had to as well, move on. It was easier said than done. Even though the media had calmed down, there were still people speaking of her, people who never knew her at all. What right did they have to talk ugly of her when she was dead and never was able to defend herself anymore? Saga got angry at them. There were many who were just like that. He wondered if they had always been there, speaking behind her back. Probably… and they had probably been a part of the reason why she was driven to suicide.
But there was no use blaming anyone, was there? She had written so herself. There was a line where she had written to stay strong. Saga remembered her saying it to him and alicenine when they were about to enter the stage at PS Company’s 10th anniversary. Her band had passed them by in the hallway. She had looked at them. “Good luck!” she had said. “Stay strong!” Saga remembered her voice. 0101 had been before them on stage, so it had been a bit rough, but still it rang so beautifully. Those were the last words she ever said to him, and he had taken them to his heart, and there those words would live on forever, reminding him to keep moving forward.
And he didn’t want to disappoint her anymore. She probably had been enough disappointed. He wanted to make her happy, even if that meant to leave her behind. For even though she had only wished them luck when they were about to enter the stage, it felt more like she had spoken to him directly, telling him to not worry about her anymore. So he wouldn’t disappoint her anymore.
And Saga smiled.
Author; muohcu_t
Status; on going
Characters; OC, alicenine; Nao and Saga
Rating; PG-13 ?
Genre; angst
Disclaimer; I own only the plot and the original characters. I make no money of this writing and I only do this for fun. Tatah~~
Summary; "Fame. Something that oh-so many of us want. But is the life of the famous female vocalist of 01:01 as everyone wants it to be?"
Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 - Part 5 - Part 6 - Part 7 - Part 8
Saga had stopped at the door to the dressing room. He had been on his way to pick up his cigarettes when he had heard crying inside. As he peeked inside to see what was going on, he had seen Nao cry whereas the cursed diary of Cho had been placed in front of him. At that Saga had turned around and walked away. He had passed by Shou on his way, and curiosity killed the cat; he followed the vocalist, but remained standing at the door and listened to their conversation which had made his heart bleed.
He entered the room as the vocalist and the drummer had left. It didn’t take long before he had sat on the couch and stared at the book. His thoughts were running wild. Nao had cried over this. What could have been so … tragic that even Nao would cry? Nao didn’t know Cho that well. Saga knew Cho. Saga was sure he had fallen for her. He missed her so much and was regretting every day. He regretted not seeing her more when she was alive. He regretted not asking her out. He regretted not kissing her.
The thought of her brought tears to his eyes, but they merely wet his dry eyes. Had he cried too much already? He wanted a time machine and change things. He would have told her how much he missed her. Yet, time moved only one way and that was further and further away from Cho. Her time had ended. He wondered if he ever meant anything to her. They had only been neighbours for a while many years ago. Maybe she didn’t even think of him as anything more than that? Or maybe she had only thought of him as the bassist of alicenine, creating a greater distance.
It made him curious, and the book was right in front of him. It didn’t take long before he picked it up and started reading.
February 16th, 2009
Dear Diary
I am killing myself as of this moment. I’ve swallowed too many pills. I’ll probably be dead before the hour has passed, but I can’t find myself regretting anything. The past few months has eaten me whole. There is nothing left of me anymore. I can’t find myself living this lie anymore. I don’t want it anymore. It pains too much. There’s only so much I can bare. I can’t take it anymore. It’s over.
I’m so sorry I couldn’t do this. I know that this is what I’ve always wanted as far as I can remember. The fame, the fans… In the end it was more of a curse, really. I just wished I could have left the house without anyone jumping on me. I want some quiet. I hope I can finally get the peace I’ve wanted for so long. I feel relieved, even before I’m dead. There is no fear, only relief.
Don’t worry about me mum, dad and everyone I’ve ever cared for. My tortured soul is finally at peace. Please don’t feel sad and don’t blame yourself. I don’t want you to blame yourself. This is my decision and there’s nothing you could have done. I’m sorry. This is all my doing. There really is no more to it. So please don’t blame yourselves. I love you too much for it. I wish my death could have been without the pain it will cause, but I’m afraid I can’t do it. Not even for you.
There’s only one thing I regret. I should have met him more. I want to see him. I want confess to him, but there is really no use anymore. Sure, I have his phone number, but I’m dying, you see? What good would it be if I were to call him now and tell him I’m in love with him? But I wish I knew what he thought of me. I wish I would have been braver. I wish I would have just asked him to meet me somewhere and I could have confessed or something more cliché. I’m sorry I couldn’t do it, and now it’s too late. I can’t take it anymore.
I love you all. My friends, family, band mates, even fans… but I just can’t take it anymore. Please go on with your lives. I don’t want you to grieve me. I don’t deserve it for leaving you like this. I want you to move on with your lives. I love you. I care for you. Please take care of yourselves. I want to see you do well. I love you! Good luck! Stay strong!
I’m afraid I’m starting to feel the effects of the pills. I’m getting sleepy. I surely can’t stay up much more. I’ve already put on my favourite album of all time. The music is filling my lungs as I’m taking my last breaths. There really is no other way I would want to die. I’m happy for the first time in months. No more do I need to cover myself whenever I step outside. No more moving out of my apartment due to someone finding it out. No more doing tours that are all too much for my physical health. No more interviews where they ask only cruel questions. No more sneak-photographers in my bushes. No more Cho, the female visual-kei vocalist.
Only Cho.
Goodbye.
Saga let book slip from his fingertips. It hit the floor with a thud. He really didn’t know anymore. He didn’t know anything anymore. Everything was so strange. Saga thought of how she had died. Pills, she said. She must have died peacefully, thank God. All these images of her covered in blood were burning away from his memory. She died peacefully.
He was somehow relieved himself, but at the same time he felt this restlessness in his fingertips. He should have called her and asked her out. He wanted to do it. He had always wanted to do it, but never did it. Now it was all too late. He could try to confess to her grave, but she would never listen. She was at peace and would always be, for time had moved on.
He had to as well, move on. It was easier said than done. Even though the media had calmed down, there were still people speaking of her, people who never knew her at all. What right did they have to talk ugly of her when she was dead and never was able to defend herself anymore? Saga got angry at them. There were many who were just like that. He wondered if they had always been there, speaking behind her back. Probably… and they had probably been a part of the reason why she was driven to suicide.
But there was no use blaming anyone, was there? She had written so herself. There was a line where she had written to stay strong. Saga remembered her saying it to him and alicenine when they were about to enter the stage at PS Company’s 10th anniversary. Her band had passed them by in the hallway. She had looked at them. “Good luck!” she had said. “Stay strong!” Saga remembered her voice. 0101 had been before them on stage, so it had been a bit rough, but still it rang so beautifully. Those were the last words she ever said to him, and he had taken them to his heart, and there those words would live on forever, reminding him to keep moving forward.
And he didn’t want to disappoint her anymore. She probably had been enough disappointed. He wanted to make her happy, even if that meant to leave her behind. For even though she had only wished them luck when they were about to enter the stage, it felt more like she had spoken to him directly, telling him to not worry about her anymore. So he wouldn’t disappoint her anymore.
And Saga smiled.