"I was a queen" - 8
Title; "I was a queen"
Author; muohcu_t
Status; on going
Characters; OC, alicenine; Nao and Saga
Rating; PG-13 ?
Genre; angst
Disclaimer; I own only the plot and the original characters. I make no money of this writing and I only do this for fun. Tatah~~
Summary; "Fame. Something that oh-so many of us want. But is the life of the famous female vocalist of 01:01 as everyone wants it to be?"
Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 - Part 5 - Part 6 - Part 7
January 3rd, 2009
Dear Diary
Today was the long awaited 10th anniversary of PS Company. Congratulations! I’m proud! I’m proud of every band and musician, staff and workers at PS Company. You’ve all done well. 10 long years is surely worth celebrating. I was only 13 when it started, but soon enough PS Company reached my ears as well. Mostly because a lot of bands I liked were there. Thank you for having me!
I swear I did have a good time today. Really! At least sometimes I did. Even though I couldn’t really hide behind my band mates (God knows wherever they went), there were many people, and everyone wanted to have fun. It would have been difficult to not be somewhat happy.
Yet, sometimes, when I was at the corner of the couch, I understood that I’m not really with anyone at all. I’m alone, pretending I’m happy. I’m always pretending, and not even for my own sake. I don’t want to ruin the mood for everyone else. Therefore, whenever I felt like screaming, I went to the toilet and took a few breaths. It’s not like anyone really notices it anyway, if I’m feeling like shit. Everyone’s too absorbed in themselves and the fun.
Though, I think I’ve fooled my own band mates. They must have seen me smile, and I swear I could see the relieved look in their eyes. They have picked up my depression. They know I’m unhappy. Of course they know I’m unhappy. It would have been strange if they didn’t. We’ve been together for 8 years already! We know each other inside out. If they didn’t see anything at all wrong with me, I would have shot myself a long time ago.
Somehow I just wished that they didn’t know anything at all.
I’m cruel for wanting to leave them. I’m selfish. I’m selfish towards my Mama, my Papa, my sister, my nieces, my band mates, my friends and my fans. They don’t deserve it at all. They don’t deserve my death. That’s probably why I’m still here, breathing and completely useless. What can a broken doll do? Not much, as far as I know. I don’t even compose anything these days. I feel like I’m dead already. They are only seeing a shadow of who I used to be.
What am I waiting for? Am I waiting for help, a saviour? Can I even be saved anymore? How? If anyone knew just how bad this is, will they send me away to some institute where I can recover? Will they give me a psychologist I can talk to every day? Will they give me pills to make me happy? Would any of that really work?
I have thought that I probably need help, but I feel it’s too late. I’m already dead. What you see is a shadow. No one really notices their shadows, do they? That’s probably why people think that I’m alright and still there. It’s a lie. I’m not there. Can’t you see it? Is it really that difficult to spot the emptiness in my eyes? Is it really that difficult to notice my terrible state? If so, then I should have been a fucking actress instead of a singer since I obviously drive everybody blind. Either that or everyone’s just plain stupid and too selfish to even notice who’s in trouble and who’s not.
I’m stupid for complaining at others. It’s not their fault. I’m being just as selfish as they are, though a tad bit differently. I’m completely obsessed with the thought now. It’s like I understand the term “to be in love with death” completely now simply because I seem to be so myself. The thought of killing me has just grown in my thoughts. It’s like a decease that has spread in my body. I want to die. There is no denying in that. The only thing that’s pulling me back is the people I care about. I know I’ll pain them, and seeing them have fun at the party today just made me realize that. I don’t want to hurt my band mates. I don’t want to hurt my family. I don’t want to hurt anyone I care for!
It’s tearing me apart. I’m at war with myself, and I know what side is losing. I will die soon, and it will be by none other than my own hand. But there is a part of me that wishes for someone to stop myself. There’s a part of me that doesn’t want to die. It’s the part that cares for everyone. They don’t deserve to come to my funeral. They deserve better than that. I know it, and that’s why I’m being held back. That’s why I’m always hesitating whenever I’m picking up the kitchen knife.
I guess I wouldn’t really have the choice if someone knew, if someone would only open their eyes and see the shadow that lies within me.
- Cho
Nao was crying. It pained him. Yet again he was blaming himself. He should have seen it. He should have known. He should have said something. He should have done something. But he hadn’t seen. He hadn’t known. He didn’t say anything. He didn’t do anything. It just made him cry. In the end he really couldn’t do anything else. There were only a few pages left and he knew what was coming, and there was nothing he could do to stop it.
He really hoped Saga would never read this. For his own sake.
The door opened and in came Shou. He looked shocked as he saw Nao was bawling his eyes out, but soon he figured what was wrong. The book was placed on the coffee table in front of the drummer. It made Shou shake his head slightly before closing the distance between the two of them. He sat on the couch next to the crying Nao before he started stroking the drummer’s back.
“Have you read it all now?” he asked. Nao shook his head. The singer sighed. “Nao… Do you think anything will really change if you finish this book?” he asked. There was a silence. Nao tried to calm himself down a little. He wanted to answer Shou, but all he could deliver was a small shake of his head. “I just wished that I had done something before it was too late. Or that someone had done something! It’s just terrible how no one noticed,” Nao managed to choke out.
Shou had almost anticipated the answer. It had practically been written in Nao’s aura lately. “Guilty!” it screamed, and Shou didn’t like seeing Nao like that. “It’s not your fault. It’s no one’s fault. In the end she was the one who chose to leave her life behind,” he tried to comfort, but Nao shook his head. “If only someone had noticed she could have gotten some help! After reading this I’m so damn sure of that,” he choked out as he hugged the vocalist. Shou wasn’t quite sure of what to do. He only hugged the drummer back, stroking his back slightly as the other cried.
They remained like that with only the sounds of Nao’s cry to accompany them. Though, he calmed down and was now only hugging and breathing. Then he let go of Shou before he choked a laugh: “Sorry about that.” Shou shook his head. “You shouldn’t blame yourself,” he said, but Nao could only huff. “How can I not? I feel like I should have seen something. The things she wrote are just tragical,” he told. The vocalist placed a hand on the other’s shoulder. “Nao,” he said. “In the end we humans don’t really know what’s going on in other people’s heads. We won’t ever truly know either, no matter how much one would try to explain how they are feeling. If you had asked her if she was ok, she could have just as easily said that she was fine without you noticing a bit of her pain. You shouldn’t blame yourself like you do. Or you should blame everyone else as well, also her, but the blaming won’t help at all, Nao. It’s over and we have to move on, keeping our heads high. I’m sure she wouldn’t want you to cry for her, no matter how much in pain she was. I think she would want you to move on as well, don’t you think?” Shou finished with a smile.
Nao smiled as well. Shou was of course absolutely right. There was no use blaming and crying anymore. And thus as Shou reached his arm for him, he gladly took it, and they went out for a coffee without knowing that one certain bassist entered the dressing room.
Author; muohcu_t
Status; on going
Characters; OC, alicenine; Nao and Saga
Rating; PG-13 ?
Genre; angst
Disclaimer; I own only the plot and the original characters. I make no money of this writing and I only do this for fun. Tatah~~
Summary; "Fame. Something that oh-so many of us want. But is the life of the famous female vocalist of 01:01 as everyone wants it to be?"
Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 - Part 5 - Part 6 - Part 7
January 3rd, 2009
Dear Diary
Today was the long awaited 10th anniversary of PS Company. Congratulations! I’m proud! I’m proud of every band and musician, staff and workers at PS Company. You’ve all done well. 10 long years is surely worth celebrating. I was only 13 when it started, but soon enough PS Company reached my ears as well. Mostly because a lot of bands I liked were there. Thank you for having me!
I swear I did have a good time today. Really! At least sometimes I did. Even though I couldn’t really hide behind my band mates (God knows wherever they went), there were many people, and everyone wanted to have fun. It would have been difficult to not be somewhat happy.
Yet, sometimes, when I was at the corner of the couch, I understood that I’m not really with anyone at all. I’m alone, pretending I’m happy. I’m always pretending, and not even for my own sake. I don’t want to ruin the mood for everyone else. Therefore, whenever I felt like screaming, I went to the toilet and took a few breaths. It’s not like anyone really notices it anyway, if I’m feeling like shit. Everyone’s too absorbed in themselves and the fun.
Though, I think I’ve fooled my own band mates. They must have seen me smile, and I swear I could see the relieved look in their eyes. They have picked up my depression. They know I’m unhappy. Of course they know I’m unhappy. It would have been strange if they didn’t. We’ve been together for 8 years already! We know each other inside out. If they didn’t see anything at all wrong with me, I would have shot myself a long time ago.
Somehow I just wished that they didn’t know anything at all.
I’m cruel for wanting to leave them. I’m selfish. I’m selfish towards my Mama, my Papa, my sister, my nieces, my band mates, my friends and my fans. They don’t deserve it at all. They don’t deserve my death. That’s probably why I’m still here, breathing and completely useless. What can a broken doll do? Not much, as far as I know. I don’t even compose anything these days. I feel like I’m dead already. They are only seeing a shadow of who I used to be.
What am I waiting for? Am I waiting for help, a saviour? Can I even be saved anymore? How? If anyone knew just how bad this is, will they send me away to some institute where I can recover? Will they give me a psychologist I can talk to every day? Will they give me pills to make me happy? Would any of that really work?
I have thought that I probably need help, but I feel it’s too late. I’m already dead. What you see is a shadow. No one really notices their shadows, do they? That’s probably why people think that I’m alright and still there. It’s a lie. I’m not there. Can’t you see it? Is it really that difficult to spot the emptiness in my eyes? Is it really that difficult to notice my terrible state? If so, then I should have been a fucking actress instead of a singer since I obviously drive everybody blind. Either that or everyone’s just plain stupid and too selfish to even notice who’s in trouble and who’s not.
I’m stupid for complaining at others. It’s not their fault. I’m being just as selfish as they are, though a tad bit differently. I’m completely obsessed with the thought now. It’s like I understand the term “to be in love with death” completely now simply because I seem to be so myself. The thought of killing me has just grown in my thoughts. It’s like a decease that has spread in my body. I want to die. There is no denying in that. The only thing that’s pulling me back is the people I care about. I know I’ll pain them, and seeing them have fun at the party today just made me realize that. I don’t want to hurt my band mates. I don’t want to hurt my family. I don’t want to hurt anyone I care for!
It’s tearing me apart. I’m at war with myself, and I know what side is losing. I will die soon, and it will be by none other than my own hand. But there is a part of me that wishes for someone to stop myself. There’s a part of me that doesn’t want to die. It’s the part that cares for everyone. They don’t deserve to come to my funeral. They deserve better than that. I know it, and that’s why I’m being held back. That’s why I’m always hesitating whenever I’m picking up the kitchen knife.
I guess I wouldn’t really have the choice if someone knew, if someone would only open their eyes and see the shadow that lies within me.
- Cho
Nao was crying. It pained him. Yet again he was blaming himself. He should have seen it. He should have known. He should have said something. He should have done something. But he hadn’t seen. He hadn’t known. He didn’t say anything. He didn’t do anything. It just made him cry. In the end he really couldn’t do anything else. There were only a few pages left and he knew what was coming, and there was nothing he could do to stop it.
He really hoped Saga would never read this. For his own sake.
The door opened and in came Shou. He looked shocked as he saw Nao was bawling his eyes out, but soon he figured what was wrong. The book was placed on the coffee table in front of the drummer. It made Shou shake his head slightly before closing the distance between the two of them. He sat on the couch next to the crying Nao before he started stroking the drummer’s back.
“Have you read it all now?” he asked. Nao shook his head. The singer sighed. “Nao… Do you think anything will really change if you finish this book?” he asked. There was a silence. Nao tried to calm himself down a little. He wanted to answer Shou, but all he could deliver was a small shake of his head. “I just wished that I had done something before it was too late. Or that someone had done something! It’s just terrible how no one noticed,” Nao managed to choke out.
Shou had almost anticipated the answer. It had practically been written in Nao’s aura lately. “Guilty!” it screamed, and Shou didn’t like seeing Nao like that. “It’s not your fault. It’s no one’s fault. In the end she was the one who chose to leave her life behind,” he tried to comfort, but Nao shook his head. “If only someone had noticed she could have gotten some help! After reading this I’m so damn sure of that,” he choked out as he hugged the vocalist. Shou wasn’t quite sure of what to do. He only hugged the drummer back, stroking his back slightly as the other cried.
They remained like that with only the sounds of Nao’s cry to accompany them. Though, he calmed down and was now only hugging and breathing. Then he let go of Shou before he choked a laugh: “Sorry about that.” Shou shook his head. “You shouldn’t blame yourself,” he said, but Nao could only huff. “How can I not? I feel like I should have seen something. The things she wrote are just tragical,” he told. The vocalist placed a hand on the other’s shoulder. “Nao,” he said. “In the end we humans don’t really know what’s going on in other people’s heads. We won’t ever truly know either, no matter how much one would try to explain how they are feeling. If you had asked her if she was ok, she could have just as easily said that she was fine without you noticing a bit of her pain. You shouldn’t blame yourself like you do. Or you should blame everyone else as well, also her, but the blaming won’t help at all, Nao. It’s over and we have to move on, keeping our heads high. I’m sure she wouldn’t want you to cry for her, no matter how much in pain she was. I think she would want you to move on as well, don’t you think?” Shou finished with a smile.
Nao smiled as well. Shou was of course absolutely right. There was no use blaming and crying anymore. And thus as Shou reached his arm for him, he gladly took it, and they went out for a coffee without knowing that one certain bassist entered the dressing room.