(no subject)
It's not getting better.
Everything just seems to be snowballing and pulling me under.
I'm so jumbled in emotions right now. I can't tell what is valid and what is BS and just egging on the rotten feelings.
I feel completely underappreciated.
I feel competely unloved in all and any ways love can be given.
I feel claustrophobic.
I feel tied down.
I feel totally worn out by being what that girl isn't.
I feel like I can't be anything but what that girl isn't because I'd rish too much of my leftover emotions.
I can't win.
I feel like that girl that everyone wants around at a party but somehow always misses being invited until halfway throught he party when people go "Where's so and so?"
I feel like I'm in a corner booth that says "Love and to be loved in return" it just so happens to be painted in black under a black light.
I'm embarrassed to seriously ask for much needed sweet attention but can never lack in group participation attention.
I just want to curl up under blankets, cry, and pray someone is out there withthe blinders off to see my pain. But then I know I would pretend nothing was wrong when seriously asked. There's too many EMO BS blubbery stupid girls out there anyhow. I don't want to be like that, but I think I'm tearing myself apart trying to be the opposite, the cool one, the one that can handle almost anything thrown at her, the one that can set aside personal feelings on a given situation because that's what is needed.
I don't think I want a real relationship with any of the guys I've got going right now . . .but just for once, it'd be nice to have the guy want me back. Or want me at all other than that really cool chick.
Can't I run away and become a Carnie for a time? I'm really good and selling things. Like my fascade and mascarade.
Everything just seems to be snowballing and pulling me under.
I'm so jumbled in emotions right now. I can't tell what is valid and what is BS and just egging on the rotten feelings.
I feel completely underappreciated.
I feel competely unloved in all and any ways love can be given.
I feel claustrophobic.
I feel tied down.
I feel totally worn out by being what that girl isn't.
I feel like I can't be anything but what that girl isn't because I'd rish too much of my leftover emotions.
I can't win.
I feel like that girl that everyone wants around at a party but somehow always misses being invited until halfway throught he party when people go "Where's so and so?"
I feel like I'm in a corner booth that says "Love and to be loved in return" it just so happens to be painted in black under a black light.
I'm embarrassed to seriously ask for much needed sweet attention but can never lack in group participation attention.
I just want to curl up under blankets, cry, and pray someone is out there withthe blinders off to see my pain. But then I know I would pretend nothing was wrong when seriously asked. There's too many EMO BS blubbery stupid girls out there anyhow. I don't want to be like that, but I think I'm tearing myself apart trying to be the opposite, the cool one, the one that can handle almost anything thrown at her, the one that can set aside personal feelings on a given situation because that's what is needed.
I don't think I want a real relationship with any of the guys I've got going right now . . .but just for once, it'd be nice to have the guy want me back. Or want me at all other than that really cool chick.
Can't I run away and become a Carnie for a time? I'm really good and selling things. Like my fascade and mascarade.