watermelon cream slushes? no.

[munkiejunkie72]

it's 12:47 and i'm restless. i'm half upset and half relieved and all very jumbled. i know not what i'm doing, and the next direction i take is undetermined. i know i love... and that is a comforting thought while at the same time very indefinite. i like challenges but this is no challenge. i knew from the first minute it would end in such a way, but it was picture perfect and maybe i love the 2 out of 3 people. my intentions were misplaced and while both at fault, i didn't want it to change this way. but, i understand myself better. i know what i have and what i feel, even though i don't know what i want. but that is something that cannot be rushed, or it will all fall down once again. i have liked who i have become in these past weeks. i have redefined my independence at an all time new level. i brush off what i dislike and cherish what i have even more. these are the friends that will be in my wedding, definitely. these are the friends that aren't going anywhere. these are the friends that will be sitting with me when we're 80 in the salon with different color hair like in that picture we found. and for that, i am the happiest person i can be, and the thought of that can bring a tear to my eye. while the compatable side of me longs for something uncertain, in time it will tell, and these ups and downs are fun to look back on, but just suck in the 'downs' and yes i may be at a slight decline, i am still at an all time high. you are not the blame for my malfunction, and while i wish i had no problems, it is in the time of crisis when i learn the most and figure out what's going on with my feelings. i found out many lessons about one of those friends that will be with me when we're 80 tonight, and knowing that she confides things like that in me is awesome. i'm so happy for her. i just wish sometimes that someone could understand everything little thing that's going on with me just so they can tell me what my next move should be, but no, i have to risk getting hurt or hurting, or try to find some compromise. my confidence is at great heights so this is no sweat getting through, and seriously i'm getting through nothing, but it's just one of those defining moments...

anyway this weekend was amazing. i saw colin's play friday and i went to bourbon saturday with my favorite people and it was so much fun, the most fun i've had in a couple weeks. today was the fun-filled day of revelations so it was exciting too.

i love you all so much, more than you'll ever know.

xoxo rik