as silent tears fall down my face
all of you are better off for not having to go through this. you will soon enough for those of you that haven't but it sucks and i'm being really pessimistic today but whatever, i don't care anymore. i'm giving up on being open because i don't want to get hurt, and i know how selfish. but i'm so over this stupid drama, this uneeded bullshit. i'm sure none of you know what i'm talking about but it's like these people hate me for things i never did to them. i don't even know them and they hate me because people go and tell them shit. all bullshit. they have to be little instigators and can't leave well enough alone. this was supposed to be my time to do everything and i've been on the verge of crying this whole night. it's like this stuipd roller coaster. my emotions just from up to back down again. i'm lonely sure, i miss people. i still don't know what i want or who i want, or what i should do. but i just have a feeling i'm in this huge hole with both of them and i can't get what i want, and all i want to be is happy and somehow i can't be. so back to same old erika, i know what i'm going to do. be closed up again, not let anyone in again. have meaningless rendezvous and not get involved. i want to get involved though. i want to be needed for once in my life. i want to be loved for once. i want someone who's right for me, who's good for me, who's healthy for me. i can't get close because i'm so afraid to get shut down again. i know i'm so much stronger now and better and i am doing great but these little things, these stupid things that aren't even true, i fret over, and agonize over until they get better and then they do, and then what? back to the same old everything. i need change, i got change. it was good for me, but i need change again. i love being me and just having fun and i love my friends and right now they are being so helpful and i would be nothing without them but there's this void in me that i've been trying to fill for years. i don't know how, well i do, but i can't. it's like i wish i wasn't me sometimes. i wish i could be a whole different person and be wanted and needed and just better so i wouldn't get shit so much. i see these people that are so happy and they don't even need it and me, i am happy but like i'm lonely i guess. whatever i don't care, i'm tired of stupid stuff like this.