This summary of my feelings came out of nowhere but here they are...
i kind of put my feelings away a few years ago.
so i think i thought less about my past, my growth, etc.
even when i was really nostalgic my 1st year out of college, i didn't read my own stuff. idk why, i just didn't. instead, i re-watched tv shows, let myself feel through the characters.
i don't quite know what exactly jump started it, but suddenly, I started to think & feel more again starting in May.
maybe I was reaching a certain point in my grad career, idk.
i've gone through periods of being too sad and not in a way that I could manage it well that somewhere along the way, I kinda just stopped thinking/feeling too much. It was easier that way.
and then after graduation, i kind of felt like I took the easy way out. Just like how I decided I would marry my ex-bf because that was the really safe thing to do.
because never had anyone besides my parents loved me so unconditionally and saw so much to love in me.
and i'm still really, really appreciative and thankful towards him because w/out him, I don't think I could have been as okay w/myself as I am now.
and I couldn't break up with him, this was like an internal struggle that I tried not to think about too much for a year.
because I always thought if someone that good loves you that much, treats you that well, then that's who you marry.
and I couldn't bring myself to let go of someone so good and a safe life that would have been good in its very safe/secure way.
but then idk, I felt this surge of bravery. like rarely do I make decisions solely for myself, and nothing this big. i always take into consideration other people's wants & feelings too much and I lose myself in the process.
and even though I may regret it if I'm 27 and single with no prospects (haha you can read that in a British accent)
I also would regret it more if I chose the safe life, got married in 2 years, had 1st kid in 5, 2nd kid in 7. and that was it.
i loved him because he's such a great person, because he loved me so much, because he was so good to me. but i don't know if I loved him for him enough. and no where near as much as he loved me for me.
and I could see myself wondering "what if..." what if I had been brave enough to do something as selfish and hurtful as break up with him and do gosh knows what w/my life.
and i didn't want to be asking that question for the rest of my life, because I know how I can get. it would kill me little by little. and it would not be fair to him, and he might wake up one day and wished he married someone who loved him more than I could love him.
maybe things would have been different if we weren't long distance. maybe things would have been different if he wasn't the first guy I dated, such that I threw all my desires for love/everafter onto his shoulders & was determined to make it work.
and maybe it's because I changed from age 19 to now, not in terms of any values/who I am at the core, but a bit more confidence to trust myself and to take risks i needed to take.
and maybe he loved me too much that I didn't have enough space to figure out if I loved him independent of his love for me.
and there's still a part of me that wonders if I'm going to kick myself for being so stupid years down the line because I don't think anyone will treat me as well as he did or see that much good in me.
my dad 100% supported my decision. but my mom thought maybe i was making a mistake, to let him go.
so she started talking to me about how marriage is different from love, and how he has all the qualities for a good husband/dad and we would have a good, solid marriage. & that's difficult in this world, especially knowing me and all my needs and quirks.
but i guess there's a slight generational difference. i want more than a good husband and dad. i want a best friend, a teacher, a confidant.
and it's kinda greedy of me because if i had had a bad first bf, then all I would want is all the things I ended up deciding to give up.
so it wasn't a logical decision, perhaps not a smart one. but something i needed to do. and once I make up my mind about something, it's made up.
so i think i thought less about my past, my growth, etc.
even when i was really nostalgic my 1st year out of college, i didn't read my own stuff. idk why, i just didn't. instead, i re-watched tv shows, let myself feel through the characters.
i don't quite know what exactly jump started it, but suddenly, I started to think & feel more again starting in May.
maybe I was reaching a certain point in my grad career, idk.
i've gone through periods of being too sad and not in a way that I could manage it well that somewhere along the way, I kinda just stopped thinking/feeling too much. It was easier that way.
and then after graduation, i kind of felt like I took the easy way out. Just like how I decided I would marry my ex-bf because that was the really safe thing to do.
because never had anyone besides my parents loved me so unconditionally and saw so much to love in me.
and i'm still really, really appreciative and thankful towards him because w/out him, I don't think I could have been as okay w/myself as I am now.
and I couldn't break up with him, this was like an internal struggle that I tried not to think about too much for a year.
because I always thought if someone that good loves you that much, treats you that well, then that's who you marry.
and I couldn't bring myself to let go of someone so good and a safe life that would have been good in its very safe/secure way.
but then idk, I felt this surge of bravery. like rarely do I make decisions solely for myself, and nothing this big. i always take into consideration other people's wants & feelings too much and I lose myself in the process.
and even though I may regret it if I'm 27 and single with no prospects (haha you can read that in a British accent)
I also would regret it more if I chose the safe life, got married in 2 years, had 1st kid in 5, 2nd kid in 7. and that was it.
i loved him because he's such a great person, because he loved me so much, because he was so good to me. but i don't know if I loved him for him enough. and no where near as much as he loved me for me.
and I could see myself wondering "what if..." what if I had been brave enough to do something as selfish and hurtful as break up with him and do gosh knows what w/my life.
and i didn't want to be asking that question for the rest of my life, because I know how I can get. it would kill me little by little. and it would not be fair to him, and he might wake up one day and wished he married someone who loved him more than I could love him.
maybe things would have been different if we weren't long distance. maybe things would have been different if he wasn't the first guy I dated, such that I threw all my desires for love/everafter onto his shoulders & was determined to make it work.
and maybe it's because I changed from age 19 to now, not in terms of any values/who I am at the core, but a bit more confidence to trust myself and to take risks i needed to take.
and maybe he loved me too much that I didn't have enough space to figure out if I loved him independent of his love for me.
and there's still a part of me that wonders if I'm going to kick myself for being so stupid years down the line because I don't think anyone will treat me as well as he did or see that much good in me.
my dad 100% supported my decision. but my mom thought maybe i was making a mistake, to let him go.
so she started talking to me about how marriage is different from love, and how he has all the qualities for a good husband/dad and we would have a good, solid marriage. & that's difficult in this world, especially knowing me and all my needs and quirks.
but i guess there's a slight generational difference. i want more than a good husband and dad. i want a best friend, a teacher, a confidant.
and it's kinda greedy of me because if i had had a bad first bf, then all I would want is all the things I ended up deciding to give up.
so it wasn't a logical decision, perhaps not a smart one. but something i needed to do. and once I make up my mind about something, it's made up.