For the first time in a long time...
I have not journaled in nearly two years, despite wanting to in the past few months as an attempt at self-therapy. I re-read previous entries and I am finally secure enough in myself to appreciate how insightful and articulate my perhaps-former self is. I don't need to tag on a self-deprecating "haha I've such a big ego, right?" after that remark because I sincerely believe it. Of course, I haven't suddenly outgrown all my insecurities - looking back still makes me wonder if I've moved forward, rather than backwards with life because I doubt I feel and think as deeply or eloquently as I did in those past entries. Perhaps it's a good thing - perhaps it's an indication that I'm more content with living life rather than observing it from afar.
It makes me so nostalgic to think that, again, I am at a point in my life where all of a sudden I realize I have grown and changed, despite never feeling that growth on a moment-by-moment basis. I have to credit Xiao and the love he has shown me as probably the number one reason why I am finally okay with who I am. I may still gawk at gorgeous girls who I would love to look like or wish my personality sparkles like that of certain peers or admire the intelligence of professors who I still cannot imagine ever joining the league of. But I do all of these things in a more fleeting "aww gee, wouldn't that be great" sort of way, rather than from that formerly so dominant self-hatred infused abyss that consumed every cell in my body. That there, is the biggest change I have seen in myself since graduating college. I may still get insecure about my body, my looks, my abilities as a teacher and researcher, but somehow -- and darn it I wish I knew how! -- I am able to feel insecure in a secure way. I like who I am and I wouldn't want to permanently trade lives with anyone. The future is still so uncertain, but I am a little less scared, mostly because I suddenly feel again...which brings me to my dilemma and what will probably be a defining moment in my life.
It makes me so nostalgic to think that, again, I am at a point in my life where all of a sudden I realize I have grown and changed, despite never feeling that growth on a moment-by-moment basis. I have to credit Xiao and the love he has shown me as probably the number one reason why I am finally okay with who I am. I may still gawk at gorgeous girls who I would love to look like or wish my personality sparkles like that of certain peers or admire the intelligence of professors who I still cannot imagine ever joining the league of. But I do all of these things in a more fleeting "aww gee, wouldn't that be great" sort of way, rather than from that formerly so dominant self-hatred infused abyss that consumed every cell in my body. That there, is the biggest change I have seen in myself since graduating college. I may still get insecure about my body, my looks, my abilities as a teacher and researcher, but somehow -- and darn it I wish I knew how! -- I am able to feel insecure in a secure way. I like who I am and I wouldn't want to permanently trade lives with anyone. The future is still so uncertain, but I am a little less scared, mostly because I suddenly feel again...which brings me to my dilemma and what will probably be a defining moment in my life.