Why me
Why do I have bad luck with guys? Why does this keep happening me? And how come all these guys can never see me for me and never really appreciate me? True most of them thank me for all I do, but do they really SEE what they have when they have it?
Take Jason for example. I did so much for him. His schedule is so horrible and he never has time to clean. So, when I'm there and he's not, I would clean up some. Sometimes I would do his laundry, other times I wash his dishes, pick up empty beer bottles and just clean up the messes in general. I know all of that isn't enough, but when he really needed a friend Saturday night, I was there. I didn't leave him alone. And even he admitted that not many people would have stayed with him, but I did.
I feel like I do all these nice things for guys all the time. I always give each relationship I'm in my all and try so hard to be a good girlfriend. I don't try to be someone I'm not, I'm just myself. But that's who I am. I'm a caring and loving person. Why doesn't Jason see this? Why can't he see what he has right now right in front of him instead of worrying about the other girls that are out there? What is his problem? He says a part of him is still in love with me and still wants to be with me, but then he turns around and says he wants to date other people eventually. And here I am...what am I supposed to do? Just sit around and wait for him to get his head out of his ass? How is any of this fair to me?
The part that frustrates me the most is that I know why he wants to date around. He runs away from every relationship he has and he admits he's afraid of committment. So that's why he wants to date around! It's his way of ignoring his problems, or of running away from them. Why can't he see that? He see's that he has issues when it comes to relationships and he knows he messed up a few times and hurt a few girls. And he feels VERY guilty about it and he wants to break this pattern. He said he never wants to do this again. So then why does he want to date around? Does he think he won't hurt anyone doing that? I mean come on! The guy isn't thinking straight.
This is just frustrating for me. I love him so much and I would do anything for him. And this is what I get? I felt so shitty Sunday morning when he reminded me, yet again, that he wants to date other people eventually. I just felt like, "Ok, I just stayed here with you last night and let you cry on my shoulder and I was understanding and supporitve. I was there for you to comfort you and tell you I love you still, no matter about all of this. And yet you still feel the need to remind me that you want to date around?" I felt so shitty. Instead of saying, "Thank you so much for being here for me. You're such a good person," he pretty much said, "Well, you're great, but not good enough. I still need to date around."
And what annoyed me the most is that I thought he was getting it all figured out in his head Saturday night! I thought that was what all the crying was about! He felt guilty and wanted to change! What the fuck!?!?!?!
And now we're taking a week or two apart. All I know is that he better have a change of heart during this time. He better realize the reason he wants to date around isn't because he really needs to, it's because he's using this excuse to bury his real problem. And that's his fear of committment. I honestly don't know what I'll do if he comes back to me in a week or two and says, "Ok, we can be friends now. But just friends. I still want to date around." I just don't think I can handle that. I'm not saying I won't be friends with him, but that'll be all. I won't date him. I won't continue to give him my heart if he can't appreciate it.
Right now I just feel so completely unappreciated and unloved. He says he still loves me...but how in the world can he still love me and yet still want to date around eventually? It really makes no sense. Not to me or to anyone I know. That's how I know it's just an excuse.
I guess all I can do is wait it out. All I can do is wait and see what happens and hope for the best. I keep telling myself that if it's meant to be, then it'll happen.