(no subject)
And so I will never be a ballet dancer.
Having gained no weight, as was discovered by the dietician, Mum decided that I am allowed no auditions until I reach my target weight, because she is fed up of me and my antics.
The audition for the English National Ballet School Assosciate 1 Year course is next week. And despite me shoving 800 calories down my neck, she still won't let me go.
This is the last year I can audition for it before I am too old. My dreams are dashed. I'm crying, but I don't know who I'm angry with. Her, for not warning me beore that those were her consequences, or me, for getting ill precisely when I wanted to start training for ballet again (age 12).
All I know is that I've lost all my reasons for eating and staying out of hospital. Dance was my one aspiration, that convinced me I wasn't going to be a failure my whole life, that gave me purpose, and soul.
And now it's gone.
And I'm more alone then I ever was before
Having gained no weight, as was discovered by the dietician, Mum decided that I am allowed no auditions until I reach my target weight, because she is fed up of me and my antics.
The audition for the English National Ballet School Assosciate 1 Year course is next week. And despite me shoving 800 calories down my neck, she still won't let me go.
This is the last year I can audition for it before I am too old. My dreams are dashed. I'm crying, but I don't know who I'm angry with. Her, for not warning me beore that those were her consequences, or me, for getting ill precisely when I wanted to start training for ballet again (age 12).
All I know is that I've lost all my reasons for eating and staying out of hospital. Dance was my one aspiration, that convinced me I wasn't going to be a failure my whole life, that gave me purpose, and soul.
And now it's gone.
And I'm more alone then I ever was before