If feelings and words were meant to convey something, this would be it
I haven't really written much about anything in regards to my past relationship, but things are getting bothersome and I feel as if I need a mouth, or a keyboard, to let out some internal feelings about distress and difficulty in coping.
So, to get things out of the way first, I'll give you a reminder that he and I are still stable friends who regularly see each other on a week to week basis.
With that aside, these are the pointers:
Number 1: Love is blind.
I never found breaking up to be an easy thing to do; in either case, someone gets hurt, if not both. But, when someone is so certain that ending it is the best way to resolve further possible confusions and tied knots for future events, why must that person loathe in memories and attachments that lead that person to have a care, but not genuine love, for that other person? It's nothing near the thought of 'Oh, maybe I want to rekindle what we lost in some upcoming time' or 'I still love him, I can't let him go' type of ordeal - it's nothing like that. It's more of a 'Ugh, why can't I just not think about talking to him or seeing him every so often? Why can't I not be attached to him?' type of thing instead. I mean, I don't expect myself to lose everything completely in just a snap shop of time, but sometimes, I need to think about why I catch myself wanting to be with him when I don't have those same mutual feelings we once had. Like what's the problem? Why can't I be more independent and secure feeling about myself? It's just so horrible when I bring myself down just because of something he does that I dislike, whether he does it purposely or not. Why am I letting it bug me?
Number 2: Communication
Though we talk almost everyday, something hits a stone when we come upon disagreements and him saying things like "I don't give a shit about what you think actually." Like, okay, thanks. Great to know you still care and respect?
Actually, what's the worst about this isn't even about me. It's about me seeing him like this - seeing how he uses analogies, his thought processes about certain matters, his ideas and the words that he blabs out when he's confused about what I am to him; everything. It saddens me to see him so distressed, especially when he's so far gone from the real interpretations that most people give, and for him to think that what he thinks is actually correct. Where did the trust and honesty with each other go? Being open to ideas and NOT thinking that we're both closed minded?
I've never told a single lie to him, but vice versa, I don't think that holds true. Temptation is stronger than logic with him, and his hormones speak stronger than his words even when we're eye to eye.
Yes, I don't think he's ever told me a deliberate lie, but white lies and just lies to get what he wants, maybe a lot more.
Number 3: Confusion on his behalf
When someone says "I love you" or "No, I don't love you the same anymore," you expect it to be true. Even if I don't feel the same way back, it still is a charmer and something that gets you right in the heart, just because. But, when those phrases change constantly (ie. every other 2nd day), what meaning does it have but lies and confusion?
I don't put these phrases to heart or anything, but just hearing the different slogans from day to day proves some type of unstability issue. Do you not know how you feel? If you don't, then why not say nothing? Why be like "I love you, I do" one day, and the next, go all "You know, I thought I cared for you, but now I realize that I don't." Does this really make sense? It's like you're toying around with your feelings, directly affecting mine.
I know it's bit a hard to differentiate some issues, particularly when someone you care for will not return that same love, but, can you honestly say that what you feel right now is pure love and care? I don't think so.
Number 4: Isolation and Solidarity
This things affects me the most; knowing full well that he no longer desires to talk to or see me. It's ironic, really, to see myself acting this way after all that he's said and done to me to prove how he doesn't care already, but I can't pinpoint why I feel this way. I know these feelings will elevate once we talk just like we did a few days back before Saturday, but this time in the meantime, I'm pulling myself down. To see no heart, no sincere care, no sympathy, no passion about how he thinks he's treating me - MAN, it just makes everything dim. He's happy and I'm loathing. He's happy. After everything we've gone through, from relationship till now, he doesn't want me in his life for a long time, and he's completely fine with that.
What am I doing?
I reminisce about how things were just a few days back; how content we were in talking to each other, missing each other, having a conversation that flows through with honesty and hope for the next day. I see how we laugh, how we need each other to get through things, how we wanted to be in each other's presence even as friends. Now, I see a fall, and its waiting for me to plunge. Now I see anger, dissatisfaction, disrespect, and no seep of light in hopes that this will get better. He's decided to leave me behind, even as a civil friend, and I wonder about what I have done to deserve this. I feel so disregarded.
I've made attempts to talk to him, to show him how I feel, but there's been no direct responses to them. Instead, he ignores them, and decides to move on with continually no mutual communication or care.
I don't even care if what I do is shameful, prideless, or has no centre piece of me in it at all; I'm willing to try to resolve this,until he gives me a flat in the face tell-off, walk-off, or slap off.
I really want him back as a friend.
It's hard to breathe and live knowing that hate, dislike, avoidance, and superfluous actions and feelings are in the air. It's extremely hard to live with the fact that someone you once loved never wants to have anything to do with you.
Real feelings hurt.
So, to get things out of the way first, I'll give you a reminder that he and I are still stable friends who regularly see each other on a week to week basis.
With that aside, these are the pointers:
Number 1: Love is blind.
I never found breaking up to be an easy thing to do; in either case, someone gets hurt, if not both. But, when someone is so certain that ending it is the best way to resolve further possible confusions and tied knots for future events, why must that person loathe in memories and attachments that lead that person to have a care, but not genuine love, for that other person? It's nothing near the thought of 'Oh, maybe I want to rekindle what we lost in some upcoming time' or 'I still love him, I can't let him go' type of ordeal - it's nothing like that. It's more of a 'Ugh, why can't I just not think about talking to him or seeing him every so often? Why can't I not be attached to him?' type of thing instead. I mean, I don't expect myself to lose everything completely in just a snap shop of time, but sometimes, I need to think about why I catch myself wanting to be with him when I don't have those same mutual feelings we once had. Like what's the problem? Why can't I be more independent and secure feeling about myself? It's just so horrible when I bring myself down just because of something he does that I dislike, whether he does it purposely or not. Why am I letting it bug me?
Number 2: Communication
Though we talk almost everyday, something hits a stone when we come upon disagreements and him saying things like "I don't give a shit about what you think actually." Like, okay, thanks. Great to know you still care and respect?
Actually, what's the worst about this isn't even about me. It's about me seeing him like this - seeing how he uses analogies, his thought processes about certain matters, his ideas and the words that he blabs out when he's confused about what I am to him; everything. It saddens me to see him so distressed, especially when he's so far gone from the real interpretations that most people give, and for him to think that what he thinks is actually correct. Where did the trust and honesty with each other go? Being open to ideas and NOT thinking that we're both closed minded?
I've never told a single lie to him, but vice versa, I don't think that holds true. Temptation is stronger than logic with him, and his hormones speak stronger than his words even when we're eye to eye.
Yes, I don't think he's ever told me a deliberate lie, but white lies and just lies to get what he wants, maybe a lot more.
Number 3: Confusion on his behalf
When someone says "I love you" or "No, I don't love you the same anymore," you expect it to be true. Even if I don't feel the same way back, it still is a charmer and something that gets you right in the heart, just because. But, when those phrases change constantly (ie. every other 2nd day), what meaning does it have but lies and confusion?
I don't put these phrases to heart or anything, but just hearing the different slogans from day to day proves some type of unstability issue. Do you not know how you feel? If you don't, then why not say nothing? Why be like "I love you, I do" one day, and the next, go all "You know, I thought I cared for you, but now I realize that I don't." Does this really make sense? It's like you're toying around with your feelings, directly affecting mine.
I know it's bit a hard to differentiate some issues, particularly when someone you care for will not return that same love, but, can you honestly say that what you feel right now is pure love and care? I don't think so.
Number 4: Isolation and Solidarity
This things affects me the most; knowing full well that he no longer desires to talk to or see me. It's ironic, really, to see myself acting this way after all that he's said and done to me to prove how he doesn't care already, but I can't pinpoint why I feel this way. I know these feelings will elevate once we talk just like we did a few days back before Saturday, but this time in the meantime, I'm pulling myself down. To see no heart, no sincere care, no sympathy, no passion about how he thinks he's treating me - MAN, it just makes everything dim. He's happy and I'm loathing. He's happy. After everything we've gone through, from relationship till now, he doesn't want me in his life for a long time, and he's completely fine with that.
What am I doing?
I reminisce about how things were just a few days back; how content we were in talking to each other, missing each other, having a conversation that flows through with honesty and hope for the next day. I see how we laugh, how we need each other to get through things, how we wanted to be in each other's presence even as friends. Now, I see a fall, and its waiting for me to plunge. Now I see anger, dissatisfaction, disrespect, and no seep of light in hopes that this will get better. He's decided to leave me behind, even as a civil friend, and I wonder about what I have done to deserve this. I feel so disregarded.
I've made attempts to talk to him, to show him how I feel, but there's been no direct responses to them. Instead, he ignores them, and decides to move on with continually no mutual communication or care.
I don't even care if what I do is shameful, prideless, or has no centre piece of me in it at all; I'm willing to try to resolve this,until he gives me a flat in the face tell-off, walk-off, or slap off.
I really want him back as a friend.
It's hard to breathe and live knowing that hate, dislike, avoidance, and superfluous actions and feelings are in the air. It's extremely hard to live with the fact that someone you once loved never wants to have anything to do with you.
Real feelings hurt.