Heartbroken
So, here it is Friday night, 10 to 11 at night and I am on the computer like every other damn night of my life. I'm not saying it hasn't been a decent week, in some ways, like my oldest son being here and spending almost every night with him and Justin, Kerstin and the kids here. Hell, last night, Jayson cooked dinner and even my daughter who I haven't seen in over a month was here for a little while. Her brothers actually spoke to her, though I could hear the coldness in their tones, there was no outright fighting. This is good. My boys are closer than they have been in years, this is good. I finished NaNo, this is good even though the last half is crap that will meet with the delete key after the first of the year.
Okay, so I made the mistake of clicking on a picture on facebook that my {well, I guess the term is ex-boyfriend} anyway, his daughter was tagged in a pic and I clicked on it to see the pic and found myself looking at pictures of his surprise birthday party. By the time I had gone through all the pictures, it was clear he has moved on. Guess the hope I had been holding on to that we could get together again is gone. Somehow though, I just can't let it go. Maybe because there was no closure to the relationship. He lives about 2 hours away and after he came to see me last time, there was no phone calls or letters. Yes, partly my fault, I didn't call or write either, but I still can't let go. Stupid, I know. But I still do love him. If I didn't, then those pictures last night wouldn't have had my heart breaking into pieces. Guess it is time to face the fact that the only men in my life will be Sirius and Emmett. At least they will never leave me. Hell, who needs a real life man anyway?
There is also stuff going on online that has me very upset. I am not going into it, but I'm hurting over it. I don't know how to fix it and the mommy part of me can't accept that. I should be able to fix it, but I can't. So my already shattered heart, is turning into tiny little fragments.
I doubt there is enough superglue to fix my heart at this point.
I didn't sleep much last night between both things and I doubt I will sleep much tonight. Horrible migraine all day today at work, and I am working at least 8 hours tomorrow. Doubt the migraine will ease overnight with no sleep. I need to not give in to the tears that are threatening though cause a sinus headache on top of the migraine would not be good.
I have very little bought for Christmas and only one paycheck to use. My check on Christmas eve will do my no good since I will be working.
So, my life is now work and fanfiction. Hell, who needs anything else? Just because it would be wonderful to have someone to share things with, doesn't mean I can't make do alone. I have survived without male companionship before so I can do it now. I can be alone and happy. Hell, I do have cats. LOL That's it!!!! I am that old cat lady you see on tv, the one who lives alone with her many, many cats. Yes, that is me. After all, sis and the kids will hopefully be moving out in the spring and I will have the house to myself. Just me, the cats and my fictional men.
God, my life is so pathetic. Oh, well, I don't have to worry about a man being jealous over the time I spend online. Or not understanding my obsession with HP or Twilight. After all, what man can compete with Sirius or Emmett? Someday, if I find a man who is a living, breathing version of either, well, then maybe I will consider changing from the old cat lady who spends all her free time dealing with fanfiction to being in a RL relationship, but until a living breathing Sirius or Emmett comes along, I will just be the crazy old cat lady who lives down the street.
Hmmm, there isn't a mood to describe what I am. Depressed doesn't even begin to cover it. Oh well, such is my life, not even the mood choices work.
Okay, so I made the mistake of clicking on a picture on facebook that my {well, I guess the term is ex-boyfriend} anyway, his daughter was tagged in a pic and I clicked on it to see the pic and found myself looking at pictures of his surprise birthday party. By the time I had gone through all the pictures, it was clear he has moved on. Guess the hope I had been holding on to that we could get together again is gone. Somehow though, I just can't let it go. Maybe because there was no closure to the relationship. He lives about 2 hours away and after he came to see me last time, there was no phone calls or letters. Yes, partly my fault, I didn't call or write either, but I still can't let go. Stupid, I know. But I still do love him. If I didn't, then those pictures last night wouldn't have had my heart breaking into pieces. Guess it is time to face the fact that the only men in my life will be Sirius and Emmett. At least they will never leave me. Hell, who needs a real life man anyway?
There is also stuff going on online that has me very upset. I am not going into it, but I'm hurting over it. I don't know how to fix it and the mommy part of me can't accept that. I should be able to fix it, but I can't. So my already shattered heart, is turning into tiny little fragments.
I doubt there is enough superglue to fix my heart at this point.
I didn't sleep much last night between both things and I doubt I will sleep much tonight. Horrible migraine all day today at work, and I am working at least 8 hours tomorrow. Doubt the migraine will ease overnight with no sleep. I need to not give in to the tears that are threatening though cause a sinus headache on top of the migraine would not be good.
I have very little bought for Christmas and only one paycheck to use. My check on Christmas eve will do my no good since I will be working.
So, my life is now work and fanfiction. Hell, who needs anything else? Just because it would be wonderful to have someone to share things with, doesn't mean I can't make do alone. I have survived without male companionship before so I can do it now. I can be alone and happy. Hell, I do have cats. LOL That's it!!!! I am that old cat lady you see on tv, the one who lives alone with her many, many cats. Yes, that is me. After all, sis and the kids will hopefully be moving out in the spring and I will have the house to myself. Just me, the cats and my fictional men.
God, my life is so pathetic. Oh, well, I don't have to worry about a man being jealous over the time I spend online. Or not understanding my obsession with HP or Twilight. After all, what man can compete with Sirius or Emmett? Someday, if I find a man who is a living, breathing version of either, well, then maybe I will consider changing from the old cat lady who spends all her free time dealing with fanfiction to being in a RL relationship, but until a living breathing Sirius or Emmett comes along, I will just be the crazy old cat lady who lives down the street.
Hmmm, there isn't a mood to describe what I am. Depressed doesn't even begin to cover it. Oh well, such is my life, not even the mood choices work.