Timely and topical
(And something I can refer to more generally than needing to have a reference book open in front of me for transcriptions.)
I spent a significant part of yesterday in an IM confab with a dear friend, troubleshooting some problematic emotional issues with her, and in the course of the discussion, brought up the concept of "changing the script". In therapeutic terms, everyone has certain internal schema that provide motivation for how we interact with the world; the most common form of the schemas are the internal narrative scripts or things we tell ourselves in the course of both positive and negative events. Research has found that these schemas are often based in distortions (distorted thinking) that have developed from core learning experiences early in life, codified and embedded into our unconscious to the point where trying to consciously stop the self-talk in the moment - never mind introduce new scripting - is a hugely daunting, probably lifelong, task of personal change and growth.
Last night, when I would really rather have been sleeping, I had an opportunity to confront one of my own negative schemas. Great! Personal Growth Opportunity, Yay! Had I been able to do that work sometime *other* than 3:30-6am, I might be embracing that challenge and success with open arms instead of grumbling grumpily into my travel mug of coffee, but I digress...
Yesterday at lunch, the section of After the Affair I'm reading talked about the necessity of actively and consciously working to make connections in troubled relationships. Reconnection doesn't just happen spontaneously after a period of estrangement or damaging event such as an affair; when both partners have openly committed to making reparation efforts, the biggest form of that effort generally has to be making the effort *to* connect.
Part of the problem (certainly one of the larger parts of the problem for me personally) is that when I feel I've been hurt, I don't WANT to make the connection. My unspoken expectation is that my partner should just know what hurts me, and not do That Thing; but if That Thing happens, then I expect (however erroneously) my partner to simply intuit that it's a hurtful thing, that I'm pissed, and to do all the work of coming to me with contrition to re-establish connection. I shouldn't have to be "the bigger man" and forgive and all that.
Springs, the author, in no uncertain terms labels that complete and utter bullshit.
And she's right.
And I know that shes right, that it's a bullshit response. But somewhere inside my head, the internal script of ages tells me that I'm entitled to view myself as being victimized by someone else's seemingly-callous disregard for Things That Hurt Me... regardless of whether they're aware of the potential for hurt, whether they meant to callously disregard, whether there's actual damage, whether I'm entitled to lay claim to that victim stance. Normally what happens once a distorted schema gets invoked, the hurt party jumps to the conclusions lodged in the distorted schema and begins to react to the distortions, eventually culminating in an outward engagement that often leaves the other party wondering what the hell just happened (and sometimes provoking the fight cycle of "counterflicting reactivity" in which the emotionally reactive stances feed off each other and escalate into all-out screaming matches and throwing cats at each other, then someone moving out into Mom's house...). Even if you've never lived through that, most of us know what escalating negative reactivity feels like - and most of us would really like to learn how to unhook that reactivity in order to have more effective stress and relational management options than simply devolving into fighting all the time.
This is where attempting to confront and reprogram the negative schemas becomes hugely important. First, you have to recognize that the old distorted script has been invoked: when you find yourself telling yourself a story you've told yourself a million times before, like sliding into an old, worn, comfortable pair of shoes, walking an old, worn, perfectly-familiar stretch of trail. Second, you have to have a clear commitment in your own head that this script is getting in the way of being the person you *choose* to be, because if you're not clear on that commitment, finding the discipline to engage the change process is going to be far harder than it needs to be. Third, you need some understanding of what fears the old script played to (in my case, insecurities and anxieties around ancient abandonment issues), so that you can counter the old schema with new scripting. It helps if you have some idea of what's in the new script, too; the process I was engaging in the wee small hours this morning was one part irrational/emotional space and acknowledgement to my inner child that yes, this hurts, but in truth less than it might, and one part applying some rational counter-arguments to the script in an effort to take the wind out of its windup sanctimonious raging.
Finally, and this was the big takeaway from yesterday's reading, I had to make the choice to *work at making connection*, even when I was absolutely disinclined to do so. This is very much in the vein of "faking it till you make it", and it is absolutely a valid tool to repairing relationships, because history has shown (and, unfortunately, will continue to show) that the histrionic behaviours rooted in the distorted scripts worsen damage, or at least bar attempts for repair work to take root. I traditionally disengage and distance from hurt; last night I opted to battle it back to where I could look at it more accurately, and offer overtures instead of distance, openness instead of punishment. It all ran extremely counter to what I wanted to be doing, but I already know from long experience that the traditionally-reactive behaviour stemming from the victim stance only serves as self-fulfilling prophecy: the outer behaviours of the inner temper tantrum drive people away, thus force-feeding back into, and reinforcing, the schema of anxiety and abandonment but through my own choices and actions, not those of my partner.
Well, that's not right.
The adjusted schema doesn't feel right either, but it doesn't feel right in the way a pair of brand new shoes doesn't feel right... *yet*. The whole idea of changing the schema is to create opportunity: opportunity for change instead of stagnation or repeating history, opportunity for repair instead of despair, opportunity for engagement instead of cold distance.
Of course, First principles says, "The light bulb has got to WANT to change" first and foremost. For the want of that particular nail, the kingdom of your relationship can and will be lost. Like I said in yesterday's IM conversation, this stuff isn't easy; it's not a silver-bullet, quick-fix solution, it's the kind of thing you have to keep working at. A baker's dozen years since I started this process of conscious self-work, and I'm only starting to successfully identify and challenge *some* of those distorted inner schemas NOW. It's taken four months of skirting along the edge of unmitigated disaster in my marriage, culminating in key questions like, "So, what are we/you/I going to do differently *THIS* time to try and address the raft of issues?", to be willing to accept this particular challenge on this particular issue. Not every day will be a success; I expect there's going to be a whole lotta opportunity for the "fake it till I make it" approach, but at least it's something new. I'll be most happy if subsequent opportunities to practice my Zen of leaning into the sharp things could confine themselves to the hours of 11am to 8pm, pleaseandthankyou, but better in the wee small hours than not at all.
Some days will be better than others, too. Even Gloria admits that some days she's just a live grenade going off inappropriately in all directions, and she's got 20-30 years' lead time on me. But the challenge on the table is to do things differently, to "make new mistakes", to choose opportunities that live up to the commitments I am (we are) trying to make. Some of those changes will be frustratingly opaque (especially if they are adjustments in values or attitudes with no externally-visible component to which the partner can relate or assess), some of them are largely opaque with minimal but important external active components, like last night's schema challenge. It's important to remember than randomly changing behaviours without explanation can be as difficult for a partner to process as the unwelcome traditional behaviours; effective processing and communication remains critical to the change process.
...Which is why I'm sitting upright at a computer expunging all of this out of my head on a crappy night's minimal sleep, instead of being home in bed asleep in a burrow of flannely goodness. These are the hard lessons to learn, but the most important ones to integrate. "Changing the script" and addressing the distorted thinking is such a core component of relationship repair work that I wish there were *good* books written on the subject to which I could point pretty much everyone (I don't have time to write one today, thanks). Even a slow-fix is better than a no-fix, which is just a no-win situation for everyone.
[Postscriptum: It's also important to note an after-the-fact but useful marker for success validation: Other than the usual issues stemming from a lack of sleep, I don't feel emotionally unbalanced. I'm not dealing with leftover ragebiscuits, I'm not any more tense than I have been for days, and that's mostly around other ongoing issues. So I would say that last night's foray into new tactics for self-care, mindfulness, and relationship management are, at least in this instance, a success. And I feel fine, thanks for asking.]
I spent a significant part of yesterday in an IM confab with a dear friend, troubleshooting some problematic emotional issues with her, and in the course of the discussion, brought up the concept of "changing the script". In therapeutic terms, everyone has certain internal schema that provide motivation for how we interact with the world; the most common form of the schemas are the internal narrative scripts or things we tell ourselves in the course of both positive and negative events. Research has found that these schemas are often based in distortions (distorted thinking) that have developed from core learning experiences early in life, codified and embedded into our unconscious to the point where trying to consciously stop the self-talk in the moment - never mind introduce new scripting - is a hugely daunting, probably lifelong, task of personal change and growth.
Last night, when I would really rather have been sleeping, I had an opportunity to confront one of my own negative schemas. Great! Personal Growth Opportunity, Yay! Had I been able to do that work sometime *other* than 3:30-6am, I might be embracing that challenge and success with open arms instead of grumbling grumpily into my travel mug of coffee, but I digress...
Yesterday at lunch, the section of After the Affair I'm reading talked about the necessity of actively and consciously working to make connections in troubled relationships. Reconnection doesn't just happen spontaneously after a period of estrangement or damaging event such as an affair; when both partners have openly committed to making reparation efforts, the biggest form of that effort generally has to be making the effort *to* connect.
Part of the problem (certainly one of the larger parts of the problem for me personally) is that when I feel I've been hurt, I don't WANT to make the connection. My unspoken expectation is that my partner should just know what hurts me, and not do That Thing; but if That Thing happens, then I expect (however erroneously) my partner to simply intuit that it's a hurtful thing, that I'm pissed, and to do all the work of coming to me with contrition to re-establish connection. I shouldn't have to be "the bigger man" and forgive and all that.
Springs, the author, in no uncertain terms labels that complete and utter bullshit.
And she's right.
And I know that shes right, that it's a bullshit response. But somewhere inside my head, the internal script of ages tells me that I'm entitled to view myself as being victimized by someone else's seemingly-callous disregard for Things That Hurt Me... regardless of whether they're aware of the potential for hurt, whether they meant to callously disregard, whether there's actual damage, whether I'm entitled to lay claim to that victim stance. Normally what happens once a distorted schema gets invoked, the hurt party jumps to the conclusions lodged in the distorted schema and begins to react to the distortions, eventually culminating in an outward engagement that often leaves the other party wondering what the hell just happened (and sometimes provoking the fight cycle of "counterflicting reactivity" in which the emotionally reactive stances feed off each other and escalate into all-out screaming matches and throwing cats at each other, then someone moving out into Mom's house...). Even if you've never lived through that, most of us know what escalating negative reactivity feels like - and most of us would really like to learn how to unhook that reactivity in order to have more effective stress and relational management options than simply devolving into fighting all the time.
This is where attempting to confront and reprogram the negative schemas becomes hugely important. First, you have to recognize that the old distorted script has been invoked: when you find yourself telling yourself a story you've told yourself a million times before, like sliding into an old, worn, comfortable pair of shoes, walking an old, worn, perfectly-familiar stretch of trail. Second, you have to have a clear commitment in your own head that this script is getting in the way of being the person you *choose* to be, because if you're not clear on that commitment, finding the discipline to engage the change process is going to be far harder than it needs to be. Third, you need some understanding of what fears the old script played to (in my case, insecurities and anxieties around ancient abandonment issues), so that you can counter the old schema with new scripting. It helps if you have some idea of what's in the new script, too; the process I was engaging in the wee small hours this morning was one part irrational/emotional space and acknowledgement to my inner child that yes, this hurts, but in truth less than it might, and one part applying some rational counter-arguments to the script in an effort to take the wind out of its windup sanctimonious raging.
Finally, and this was the big takeaway from yesterday's reading, I had to make the choice to *work at making connection*, even when I was absolutely disinclined to do so. This is very much in the vein of "faking it till you make it", and it is absolutely a valid tool to repairing relationships, because history has shown (and, unfortunately, will continue to show) that the histrionic behaviours rooted in the distorted scripts worsen damage, or at least bar attempts for repair work to take root. I traditionally disengage and distance from hurt; last night I opted to battle it back to where I could look at it more accurately, and offer overtures instead of distance, openness instead of punishment. It all ran extremely counter to what I wanted to be doing, but I already know from long experience that the traditionally-reactive behaviour stemming from the victim stance only serves as self-fulfilling prophecy: the outer behaviours of the inner temper tantrum drive people away, thus force-feeding back into, and reinforcing, the schema of anxiety and abandonment but through my own choices and actions, not those of my partner.
Well, that's not right.
The adjusted schema doesn't feel right either, but it doesn't feel right in the way a pair of brand new shoes doesn't feel right... *yet*. The whole idea of changing the schema is to create opportunity: opportunity for change instead of stagnation or repeating history, opportunity for repair instead of despair, opportunity for engagement instead of cold distance.
Of course, First principles says, "The light bulb has got to WANT to change" first and foremost. For the want of that particular nail, the kingdom of your relationship can and will be lost. Like I said in yesterday's IM conversation, this stuff isn't easy; it's not a silver-bullet, quick-fix solution, it's the kind of thing you have to keep working at. A baker's dozen years since I started this process of conscious self-work, and I'm only starting to successfully identify and challenge *some* of those distorted inner schemas NOW. It's taken four months of skirting along the edge of unmitigated disaster in my marriage, culminating in key questions like, "So, what are we/you/I going to do differently *THIS* time to try and address the raft of issues?", to be willing to accept this particular challenge on this particular issue. Not every day will be a success; I expect there's going to be a whole lotta opportunity for the "fake it till I make it" approach, but at least it's something new. I'll be most happy if subsequent opportunities to practice my Zen of leaning into the sharp things could confine themselves to the hours of 11am to 8pm, pleaseandthankyou, but better in the wee small hours than not at all.
Some days will be better than others, too. Even Gloria admits that some days she's just a live grenade going off inappropriately in all directions, and she's got 20-30 years' lead time on me. But the challenge on the table is to do things differently, to "make new mistakes", to choose opportunities that live up to the commitments I am (we are) trying to make. Some of those changes will be frustratingly opaque (especially if they are adjustments in values or attitudes with no externally-visible component to which the partner can relate or assess), some of them are largely opaque with minimal but important external active components, like last night's schema challenge. It's important to remember than randomly changing behaviours without explanation can be as difficult for a partner to process as the unwelcome traditional behaviours; effective processing and communication remains critical to the change process.
...Which is why I'm sitting upright at a computer expunging all of this out of my head on a crappy night's minimal sleep, instead of being home in bed asleep in a burrow of flannely goodness. These are the hard lessons to learn, but the most important ones to integrate. "Changing the script" and addressing the distorted thinking is such a core component of relationship repair work that I wish there were *good* books written on the subject to which I could point pretty much everyone (I don't have time to write one today, thanks). Even a slow-fix is better than a no-fix, which is just a no-win situation for everyone.
[Postscriptum: It's also important to note an after-the-fact but useful marker for success validation: Other than the usual issues stemming from a lack of sleep, I don't feel emotionally unbalanced. I'm not dealing with leftover ragebiscuits, I'm not any more tense than I have been for days, and that's mostly around other ongoing issues. So I would say that last night's foray into new tactics for self-care, mindfulness, and relationship management are, at least in this instance, a success. And I feel fine, thanks for asking.]