[poly] discussion outcomes and inevitable evolutions

[much_ado]

after this afternoon's post, matthew and i continued the discussion from last night about perceived relational shifts versus misidentified bucket errors. the end result is the understanding that things *will* change, short of the two of us dropping all our current relationships and never developing others ever again. we're going to meet new people

Comments

[thesslea]

Labels, can't live with them, can't talk about things succintly without them. I was talking to a friend this morning about her primary, who I have been "involved" with for awhile and who she just started out with last month. I realized, as we were talking, that I had no idea how to talk about my relationship with him to her, because T and I have been without labels for the people in our life for awhile. I feel like this guy and I are on the same page. But I couldn't tell you what page that is!

It also seems to me that the whole process of building a poly relationship is discovering new and different ways to say I will be here for you. Most people default to monogamy because not having sex or compelling emotional connections outside your primary relationship is how we communicate commitment and consistency. The poly road for me has been, how do I determine where that commitment and consistence, that essential reliability for me to feel safe emotionally with this person, is achievable when I don't have the default as my cue? You talk about (in the past) wanting to find a sort of security in your primary relationship together by having a form of control over the other relationships, but my perception of the general experience is that it is slightly more complicated than that. Ultimately, it seems to me the desire for that control arises more from an understandable need to find and/or develop the necessary cues that reassure you both that you are dependable, having rejected the cues you were brought up to expect. (Not that they necessarily work, but we are used to them!)

Thanks for sharing your process, as always, lots of food for thought!

[lightcastle]

It also seems to me that the whole process of building a poly relationship is discovering new and different ways to say I will be here for you.

That's interesting. I need to roll that around in my brain a bit more.