[poly] discussion outcomes and inevitable evolutions
after this afternoon's post, matthew and i continued the discussion from last night about perceived relational shifts versus misidentified bucket errors. the end result is the understanding that things *will* change, short of the two of us dropping all our current relationships and never developing others ever again. we're going to meet new people
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really, that's the best anyone CAN do, even when the shared lexicon is more accurate.
the reason for the lexicon development we've done is exactly what you've described: unpredictable shifts equated with surprises, and not always good ones (and not always well-managed beyond that). that's precisely *why* "casual* came to very specifically mean "low to no emotional investment", because we were finding that as soon as there was any change in emotional investment, the prioritization also started to slide around unpredictably. suddenly nothing in the primary relationship was a guarantee any more, including faith in getting the needs of the primary relationship met AT ALL.
we finally had to get to the point of saying, "this obviously isn't casual. i don't care what you call it, but find another label other than casual for it, because your constant misappropriation of our agreed-upon lexicon is confusing the hell out of me."
that was the other ongoing flaw with the bucket system of categorization, though: subtly nuanced differences can make even similarly-categorized relationships feel like very different types of relationships. and that can leave you feeling like you need to define a bucket for each relationship, as opposed to being able to group similar relationships together - tres frustrating for all involved in the categorization process. for example, you define "casual" as "friends with benefits and absolutely no more", but what kind of "friend" are you starting with? the kind of friend you see once a month at an SCA event but otherwise rarely ever think about, or the kind of friend who helped you move three times in a row and to whom you would loan $500 if you could? when friendships themselves carry varying unconscious levels of trust/investment/emotional engagement, it becomes really easy to see where we're starting to make those subconscious valuative assignments that may reflect in different kinds of intimate relationships to follow. a friend you think about only occasionally versus one in whom you have a more-highly invested relationship... both may be "friends" under your labeling system, but i can guarantee you'll treat each of them differently even before adding in the additional complexities of a sexual relationship.
it's enough to drive one stir crazy once you start to think about it :)
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