sometimes, striking the blow for congruency doesn't always feel like a win
apparently the theme of my life this year is Realignment.
i've temporarily stopped believing in the addage that the more things change, the more they stay the same. well, that's not true; i believe the addage addresses people who make change semi-randomly, without clear paths or intents, largely unaware of what's actually motivating the need for change in the first place. people like that will thrash, and make a lot of things that look like change when what's really happening is they're making decisions that look similar to decisions made in the past; they change jobs, but choose the same kinds of jobs. they drop relationships, but start new ones with the same kinds of people. they uproot themselves, but eventually find themselves in similar situations to those they left not so long ago.
i don't think i'm like those people so much any more; the more i change things in myself and in my life, the more they stay different. like matthew says, i make new mistakes; sometimes i make old mistakes in new situations, which is kind of like making new mistakes.
in the past two weeks, i've had to realign two separate non-primary relationships. i choose low-investment/low-priority/low-frequency relationships for non-primary relationships precisely because i know what i have in terms of personal resource to offer those relationships, at least once the seemingly-boundless enthusiasm of NRE settles into something more sustainable. periods like the last 4-6 weeks tend to grossly effect my resources, and outside of my marriage, i become largely unavailable to anyone without a standing date on the calendar or reasonable expectation of my time. it happens. what little i have at the end of the day goes to the highest priorities first, and often, the non-primary relationships just aren't it. i try to make that clear to the people in those relationships up front at the outset: this is what "casual" looks like to me; here's what i'm available for, here's what i'm not available for. here's what we can negotiate as we go, and here's who you have to negotiate that with. anything outside of that... you can ask, but don't expect. and even if you ask, be prepared to hear, "sorry, no."
sometimes, i do better at making those boundaries explicit than others; with practice, i'm certainly better now than i was even a couple of years ago. i still don't do well at communicating when my availability slides abruptly off the radar because i've gotten overwhelmed (oddly enough, when i'm overwhelmed, i communicate poorly; and the lower the priority, the lower the chances that i'll make an effort for explicit and effective communication... whoo noo? and yes, i'm working to change that.). i'm not even good at communicating it yet with matthew himself, though at least he's in the prime seat to notice when things are sliding, and ask me about it directly.
so when my availability changes, or when expectations shift (on my end or my lover's), sometimes you have to do the work of realigning those boundaries and expectations. historically, i have sucked at that process of explicit realignment within established boundaries. being the one who would sacrifice everything to (a) not rock the boat, (b) cling to the external validation of a lover's interest, (c) accept or offer increased involvement as the "only acceptable alternative to a breakup", i'd often allow relationships to slide outside the initially-defined boundaries and become things they were never meant (in my head) to become. this is, i think, the biggest reason why new relationships sometimes shift abruptly from "What I Said They Are" to "What They Look Like They Are" - i'm trying to address somewhere between one and three of those historical needs. things that were meant to be casual suddenly look one day like something a whole lot more serious, because i allowed them to slide past my boundaries into a higher priority or investment bracket, sometimes out of sheer inattentiveness during NRE, but often out of fear of upsetting a lover or losing a lover's interest and feeling bereft or unloveable (never mind the presence of a loving primary relationship in the same time frame).
it therefore becomes something of a significant event when i can have Standard Realignment Dialog #1 with two separate relationships in two weeks, and stay within the boundaries of what i know i have available as per the agreements created for those respective relationships. both dialogs were prompted by the down-shift in my availability recently, and both followed the course of, "I hear you're not happy with where things are right now; maybe hurt, maybe frustrated, definitely not getting your needs met. Here's what I have available for the foreseeable future; it may get worse before it gets better, depending on [insert factors here]. If this is sufficient for you in this relationship, that's great. If you are looking for more from me than what I can offer for the time being, then I cannot meet your need, and perhaps I am not the person with whom you should have a relationship. If that's the case, you can walk away now; no harm, no foul. "
one lover declined the offer; one accepted the adjustment to expectations. a third, based on recent conversations, seems content with the catch-as-catch-can status quo we've had for three and a half years. in all cases, i considered my boundaries and resources very carefully before reiterating what i'm available for, and standing by those boundaries. This, You Can Have; More Than This, You May Not Have. it's not without cost: loss in one case, hurt feelings before re-evaluating the definition of "availability" and what that looks like, as well as improving the means for communicating the state of availability in another. it's unfortunate; loss, hurt, or frustration might have been mitigated by clearer or more timely communication on my part, but the resource availability isn't something that's going to change in a hurry, and communicating the changes in situ are something i need to work at.
it's a huge thing for me to see that consistency within my own boundaries as (a) a new pattern in the first place, and (b) a consistently repeatable (presumably sustainable) pattern. things have changed, and are thus far staying changed. i didn't yield out of fear, i didn't cling. i made different decisions, designed to meet different needs and based on a different understanding of my own internal landscape. unsurprisingly, different decisions produced different results (unsurprisingly, given the people involved, different from each other as well as different from my own historical precedence). loss doesn't feel like a win, but it's all about perspective in the end. i lost a lover and gained some crucial insight. if not an outright win, then at least there is a degree of balance in those two outcomes. the people who cannot accept what i can offer are not people who will stay happy in a relationship with me, and being non-primary relationships, there are limits on the amount of work i will put into changing what i can and cannot offer. this is the nature of the hierarchy in my world. i know it doesn't work this way for some of you (the poly-you or the monogamous-you :)
at a time when big things and small things are all being consciously and deliberately wrestled into realignment with who i am and who i want to be, when i'm feeling generally overwhelmed by the things i'm changing and the things i cannot change fast enough, i'll take my wins wherever and however i find them.
i've temporarily stopped believing in the addage that the more things change, the more they stay the same. well, that's not true; i believe the addage addresses people who make change semi-randomly, without clear paths or intents, largely unaware of what's actually motivating the need for change in the first place. people like that will thrash, and make a lot of things that look like change when what's really happening is they're making decisions that look similar to decisions made in the past; they change jobs, but choose the same kinds of jobs. they drop relationships, but start new ones with the same kinds of people. they uproot themselves, but eventually find themselves in similar situations to those they left not so long ago.
i don't think i'm like those people so much any more; the more i change things in myself and in my life, the more they stay different. like matthew says, i make new mistakes; sometimes i make old mistakes in new situations, which is kind of like making new mistakes.
in the past two weeks, i've had to realign two separate non-primary relationships. i choose low-investment/low-priority/low-frequency relationships for non-primary relationships precisely because i know what i have in terms of personal resource to offer those relationships, at least once the seemingly-boundless enthusiasm of NRE settles into something more sustainable. periods like the last 4-6 weeks tend to grossly effect my resources, and outside of my marriage, i become largely unavailable to anyone without a standing date on the calendar or reasonable expectation of my time. it happens. what little i have at the end of the day goes to the highest priorities first, and often, the non-primary relationships just aren't it. i try to make that clear to the people in those relationships up front at the outset: this is what "casual" looks like to me; here's what i'm available for, here's what i'm not available for. here's what we can negotiate as we go, and here's who you have to negotiate that with. anything outside of that... you can ask, but don't expect. and even if you ask, be prepared to hear, "sorry, no."
sometimes, i do better at making those boundaries explicit than others; with practice, i'm certainly better now than i was even a couple of years ago. i still don't do well at communicating when my availability slides abruptly off the radar because i've gotten overwhelmed (oddly enough, when i'm overwhelmed, i communicate poorly; and the lower the priority, the lower the chances that i'll make an effort for explicit and effective communication... whoo noo? and yes, i'm working to change that.). i'm not even good at communicating it yet with matthew himself, though at least he's in the prime seat to notice when things are sliding, and ask me about it directly.
so when my availability changes, or when expectations shift (on my end or my lover's), sometimes you have to do the work of realigning those boundaries and expectations. historically, i have sucked at that process of explicit realignment within established boundaries. being the one who would sacrifice everything to (a) not rock the boat, (b) cling to the external validation of a lover's interest, (c) accept or offer increased involvement as the "only acceptable alternative to a breakup", i'd often allow relationships to slide outside the initially-defined boundaries and become things they were never meant (in my head) to become. this is, i think, the biggest reason why new relationships sometimes shift abruptly from "What I Said They Are" to "What They Look Like They Are" - i'm trying to address somewhere between one and three of those historical needs. things that were meant to be casual suddenly look one day like something a whole lot more serious, because i allowed them to slide past my boundaries into a higher priority or investment bracket, sometimes out of sheer inattentiveness during NRE, but often out of fear of upsetting a lover or losing a lover's interest and feeling bereft or unloveable (never mind the presence of a loving primary relationship in the same time frame).
it therefore becomes something of a significant event when i can have Standard Realignment Dialog #1 with two separate relationships in two weeks, and stay within the boundaries of what i know i have available as per the agreements created for those respective relationships. both dialogs were prompted by the down-shift in my availability recently, and both followed the course of, "I hear you're not happy with where things are right now; maybe hurt, maybe frustrated, definitely not getting your needs met. Here's what I have available for the foreseeable future; it may get worse before it gets better, depending on [insert factors here]. If this is sufficient for you in this relationship, that's great. If you are looking for more from me than what I can offer for the time being, then I cannot meet your need, and perhaps I am not the person with whom you should have a relationship. If that's the case, you can walk away now; no harm, no foul. "
one lover declined the offer; one accepted the adjustment to expectations. a third, based on recent conversations, seems content with the catch-as-catch-can status quo we've had for three and a half years. in all cases, i considered my boundaries and resources very carefully before reiterating what i'm available for, and standing by those boundaries. This, You Can Have; More Than This, You May Not Have. it's not without cost: loss in one case, hurt feelings before re-evaluating the definition of "availability" and what that looks like, as well as improving the means for communicating the state of availability in another. it's unfortunate; loss, hurt, or frustration might have been mitigated by clearer or more timely communication on my part, but the resource availability isn't something that's going to change in a hurry, and communicating the changes in situ are something i need to work at.
it's a huge thing for me to see that consistency within my own boundaries as (a) a new pattern in the first place, and (b) a consistently repeatable (presumably sustainable) pattern. things have changed, and are thus far staying changed. i didn't yield out of fear, i didn't cling. i made different decisions, designed to meet different needs and based on a different understanding of my own internal landscape. unsurprisingly, different decisions produced different results (unsurprisingly, given the people involved, different from each other as well as different from my own historical precedence). loss doesn't feel like a win, but it's all about perspective in the end. i lost a lover and gained some crucial insight. if not an outright win, then at least there is a degree of balance in those two outcomes. the people who cannot accept what i can offer are not people who will stay happy in a relationship with me, and being non-primary relationships, there are limits on the amount of work i will put into changing what i can and cannot offer. this is the nature of the hierarchy in my world. i know it doesn't work this way for some of you (the poly-you or the monogamous-you :)
at a time when big things and small things are all being consciously and deliberately wrestled into realignment with who i am and who i want to be, when i'm feeling generally overwhelmed by the things i'm changing and the things i cannot change fast enough, i'll take my wins wherever and however i find them.