two sidesfabricdragonSeptember 28 2006, 19:31:22 UTC
I can see different sides to this...
I have had people do this to me out of a need to control the dialog. The "diagnosis" was helped by the fact that a lot of what *else* they did was all about power over, passive aggressive behaviors and etc. I am soooo glad i found the books on verbal abuse and passive aggressive behavior when i did, because i really thought i was going insane.
I have also seen this happen when someone is patterned to be excessively concerned about disaproval. whether through very low self esteem, or fear of abuse, or fear of abandonment, they feel they have to tread very lightly before revealing any opinions or emotions. This is a pretty clear case, though. the people i met who behaved this way out of fear were all abuse survivors, or victims of very broken homes, or had been rather abruptly dumped by supposed loved ones. These are the kind of people who are scared to death that expressing an opinion , or giving feedback honestly, will get them hurt or abandoned, and you can usually discern the difference between that and passive aggressive pretty easily.....
Unless... Many times people in powerless situations develop coping mechanisms that give them some measure of control. So the child of an abusive drunk learns that any honest statement will get her hurt, but that she can develop *some* measure of control by "forgetting" tickets, or not telling people about things they need to know. This is when the two sides of this problem can merge, and then we are talking about it being *very* hard for the layman to diagnose, and waaaaaay beyond "friend and family" level therapy.
Seen it all, and been guilty of it occasionally myself, but like most questions of mental illness and serious problems, its all a question of "how much" everyone does this occasionally, but has it become the *default* method of communicating with people?
I have had people do this to me out of a need to control the dialog. The "diagnosis" was helped by the fact that a lot of what *else* they did was all about power over, passive aggressive behaviors and etc. I am soooo glad i found the books on verbal abuse and passive aggressive behavior when i did, because i really thought i was going insane.
I have also seen this happen when someone is patterned to be excessively concerned about disaproval. whether through very low self esteem, or fear of abuse, or fear of abandonment, they feel they have to tread very lightly before revealing any opinions or emotions. This is a pretty clear case, though. the people i met who behaved this way out of fear were all abuse survivors, or victims of very broken homes, or had been rather abruptly dumped by supposed loved ones. These are the kind of people who are scared to death that expressing an opinion , or giving feedback honestly, will get them hurt or abandoned, and you can usually discern the difference between that and passive aggressive pretty easily.....
Unless...
Many times people in powerless situations develop coping mechanisms that give them some measure of control. So the child of an abusive drunk learns that any honest statement will get her hurt, but that she can develop *some* measure of control by "forgetting" tickets, or not telling people about things they need to know. This is when the two sides of this problem can merge, and then we are talking about it being *very* hard for the layman to diagnose, and waaaaaay beyond "friend and family" level therapy.
Seen it all, and been guilty of it occasionally myself, but like most questions of mental illness and serious problems, its all a question of "how much" everyone does this occasionally, but has it become the *default* method of communicating with people?
sorry, long post..
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