just who *are* you talking to, really?

[much_ado]

Comments

wemay have to agree to disagree

[much_ado]

sometimes a cigar is a cigar, you're absolutely right. but IMO you're dead wrong when you say, "it's not something one can consciously control", because it *is* something you can control, because it's all about *you*. you *can* control what you do and don't trust, what you do and don't let out. you *can* do the work with your partner to find out where the common, level ground is WRT trust, and you *can* determine, if that ground doesn't exist, why it doesn't exist, what has to change in *both* of you to make it happen, or whether to walk away. all of this is absolutely in your control. that comfort rarely comes with the package, or develops overnight - it has to be built by joint effort over time, and your statement that you want someone else to do the nurturing to a place where you feel comfortable - someone else to do all the work to build you a safe place? where's *your* responsibility and effort in what should be a shareed process?? - speaks volumes, to me (as someone who historically defaulted to wanting other people to do all the work, instead of learning to be comfortable in myself, in my own headspace, in my confidence to invest or not invest emotionally in my secrets, my partner, my partner's potential actions, etc. etc.

it's not just about the partner, it's about *you*. and you are completely within your control... or should be.

Re: wemay have to agree to disagree

[damedini]

Fair enough. Of course I'd be working hard to reach a trust point, the onus would not be entirely on a partner. But a partner's nurturing is certainly an important piece in the puzzle. Just as I'd nurture him. For me it takes two. If I could get there all by myself, I would no longer have the issues. I wasn't saying I wanted someone else to do all the work, but that I need help.
But I still can't consciously control my lizard-brain fears.
I'm very comfortable within myself, know my needs and limits, what I can offer and where I'm willing to go. Also the very few things I'm not willing to try.
But my main point is that fear isn't always a passive aggressive tactic.

Re: wemay have to agree to disagree

[much_ado]

you're correct there; i over-simplified the passive-agressive angle. it wasn't my intent to suggest fear was *always* thus. and yes, the process of nurturing (nurturement??) should always (ideally) be a two-way street. your original comment made it sound otherwise, so thank you for clarifying both points :)