"together decisions" versus "apart decisions"
this is a concept that's been dogging my heels lately, tagging along in conversations about relationship issues like a persistent pre-teen sibling, demanding attention and needing appeasement.
so before it starts tugging my shirtsleeves or humping my leg (a theme for today, apparently) in its demand for attention, and since i'm at a loss for how to start the next task on my professional To Do List and need to at least *look* like i'm working, it's time to court the subject that seems to defeat even the most well-intentioned of relationship partners: determining things that bring us together, and those that drive us apart.
gloria asked me in a session recently, while dealing with some issues related to our lifestyle and how we make decisions around those issues, the following set of questions: in a perfect world where i could have what i wanted, what would i choose? what decision did *i* think was best for the *relationship* with matthew? and what decision did i think *he* would want me to make?
the outcome of those questions boiled down to this: in a perfect world, i would decide in favour of what i wanted, all the time; i presume matthew will always err on the side of a cautious cushioning of his own fears, and that the best decision for the *relationship* was likely somewhere between those two points (and surmised in session that i would often feel compelled to yield closer to matthew's end of the range than towards my own). this in later discussion at home re-activated the idea of making "together decisions" versus "apart decisions".
at the essential level, "together decisions" are choices we make, as individuals or as a couple, that are mutually acknowledged as strengthening a relationship, increasing vulnerability/intimacy/trust, perhaps; certainly intending to improve chances for success and longevity: joint happiness for the long term. together decisions, even those made on the individual level, are often connected to collaborative processes within the relationship - not capitulations or compromises (though both may also in the right circumstances also serve as "together decisions"), but real working decisions that actively involve all members of the relationship. "apart decisions", therefore, are those decisions made individually or as a couple, that separate the relationship; they drive wedges and divide us into single units instead of the joined entity.
a gross-scope example: getting married may be a "together decision", but if both members of the union then spend all their time filling their personal calendars with individual activities instead of spending time with each other, that may constitute an "apart decision". in my own lexicon, matthew and i have made the "together decision" that working on making our relationship as authentic as possible is a high priority (and dealing with all the homework that entails), but when the weasels hit in the heat of the moment while i'm elsewhere, and i make decisions on the spot that *don't* take matthew and that previously-established commitment into consideration.... those are apart decisions.
when gloria asked me the trio of questions i lead off with, what i think she was getting at was trying to determine how i make decisions in the first place: am i prone to making the self-indulgent apart decisions first, then back-pedalling as necessary? or do i try and work with matthew to make together decisions we can both be happy with? or do i capitulate to his fears and let him determine the decisions, and agree to them only because i feel i have to, then subvert them at the first convenient opportunity? the short answer was, "D - All Of The Above."
there is a new round of analysis in my toolbox now, whenever i'm faced with decisions that i'm generally making on the fly and on my own: i can either mentally run through gloria's trio of questions, to see what my *likely* range of options seems to be. or i can ask myself, "what would be the together decision in this situation, and what would be an apart decision?" it helps, at least on the learning curve for this particular analysis, if i do both options; asking gloria's questions first identifies the range of options, from my self-indulgent ideals to matthew's fear-based cautions; the together decision, the one which strengthens the relationship in the long run, is the one that best addresses both our needs, insofar as i understand them (and if i don't understand them going into any situation with a known potential to challenge me in that heat-of-the-moment fashion, then the fault for being unprepared is mine alone).
it's pretty much a given that any decision process driven by the weasels, or culminating in a mindset that says, "I'm doing what I want to do and you'll just have to suck it up" is going to be an apart decision. the trick then becomes learning the warning signs of one of those impending off-intent detours, so that i can run that analysis in a timely fashion. this is where i fall down most - not catching myself in time, either because i've chosen to turn off the Distant Earyl Warning System, or because i just get caught in the moment and don't see my doom in front of me. i'm currently relying heavily on the people i love to help catch me when i'm in danger of sliding, but that's a responsibility they shouldn't have to manage for me.
for the time being, matthew and i are looking at recurring situations where the questions need to be asked from a long way out; well in advance of my next trip to syracuse, for example, we're asking the big questions like, "so what decisions surrounding this trip are together decisions?" (namely, what choices will we make together that we can both live with, that don't leave me wrestling with weasels all weekend, and don't leave him clubbed numb by his fears.) once we have those decisions in hand, it becomes a running monologue on the back of my mind, every time i open my mouth or act - is this a together decision or an apart decision? is this congruent with my stated intentions, or am i pushing the lines? i'm not used to that monologue being constant, but it has to be for now, until i internalize the idea of acting consistently with the expectations i help shape for myself.
please note: together decisions don't imply that i cannot make decisions in my own interests; they're not about subsuming my own needs entirely for the benefit of the relationship, but rather finding the balancing point. if i decide that this relationship is important to me, that matthew is important to me, then the things that will make me happiest in the long run are the things that keep the relationship and my partner stable.
so before it starts tugging my shirtsleeves or humping my leg (a theme for today, apparently) in its demand for attention, and since i'm at a loss for how to start the next task on my professional To Do List and need to at least *look* like i'm working, it's time to court the subject that seems to defeat even the most well-intentioned of relationship partners: determining things that bring us together, and those that drive us apart.
gloria asked me in a session recently, while dealing with some issues related to our lifestyle and how we make decisions around those issues, the following set of questions: in a perfect world where i could have what i wanted, what would i choose? what decision did *i* think was best for the *relationship* with matthew? and what decision did i think *he* would want me to make?
the outcome of those questions boiled down to this: in a perfect world, i would decide in favour of what i wanted, all the time; i presume matthew will always err on the side of a cautious cushioning of his own fears, and that the best decision for the *relationship* was likely somewhere between those two points (and surmised in session that i would often feel compelled to yield closer to matthew's end of the range than towards my own). this in later discussion at home re-activated the idea of making "together decisions" versus "apart decisions".
at the essential level, "together decisions" are choices we make, as individuals or as a couple, that are mutually acknowledged as strengthening a relationship, increasing vulnerability/intimacy/trust, perhaps; certainly intending to improve chances for success and longevity: joint happiness for the long term. together decisions, even those made on the individual level, are often connected to collaborative processes within the relationship - not capitulations or compromises (though both may also in the right circumstances also serve as "together decisions"), but real working decisions that actively involve all members of the relationship. "apart decisions", therefore, are those decisions made individually or as a couple, that separate the relationship; they drive wedges and divide us into single units instead of the joined entity.
a gross-scope example: getting married may be a "together decision", but if both members of the union then spend all their time filling their personal calendars with individual activities instead of spending time with each other, that may constitute an "apart decision". in my own lexicon, matthew and i have made the "together decision" that working on making our relationship as authentic as possible is a high priority (and dealing with all the homework that entails), but when the weasels hit in the heat of the moment while i'm elsewhere, and i make decisions on the spot that *don't* take matthew and that previously-established commitment into consideration.... those are apart decisions.
when gloria asked me the trio of questions i lead off with, what i think she was getting at was trying to determine how i make decisions in the first place: am i prone to making the self-indulgent apart decisions first, then back-pedalling as necessary? or do i try and work with matthew to make together decisions we can both be happy with? or do i capitulate to his fears and let him determine the decisions, and agree to them only because i feel i have to, then subvert them at the first convenient opportunity? the short answer was, "D - All Of The Above."
there is a new round of analysis in my toolbox now, whenever i'm faced with decisions that i'm generally making on the fly and on my own: i can either mentally run through gloria's trio of questions, to see what my *likely* range of options seems to be. or i can ask myself, "what would be the together decision in this situation, and what would be an apart decision?" it helps, at least on the learning curve for this particular analysis, if i do both options; asking gloria's questions first identifies the range of options, from my self-indulgent ideals to matthew's fear-based cautions; the together decision, the one which strengthens the relationship in the long run, is the one that best addresses both our needs, insofar as i understand them (and if i don't understand them going into any situation with a known potential to challenge me in that heat-of-the-moment fashion, then the fault for being unprepared is mine alone).
it's pretty much a given that any decision process driven by the weasels, or culminating in a mindset that says, "I'm doing what I want to do and you'll just have to suck it up" is going to be an apart decision. the trick then becomes learning the warning signs of one of those impending off-intent detours, so that i can run that analysis in a timely fashion. this is where i fall down most - not catching myself in time, either because i've chosen to turn off the Distant Earyl Warning System, or because i just get caught in the moment and don't see my doom in front of me. i'm currently relying heavily on the people i love to help catch me when i'm in danger of sliding, but that's a responsibility they shouldn't have to manage for me.
for the time being, matthew and i are looking at recurring situations where the questions need to be asked from a long way out; well in advance of my next trip to syracuse, for example, we're asking the big questions like, "so what decisions surrounding this trip are together decisions?" (namely, what choices will we make together that we can both live with, that don't leave me wrestling with weasels all weekend, and don't leave him clubbed numb by his fears.) once we have those decisions in hand, it becomes a running monologue on the back of my mind, every time i open my mouth or act - is this a together decision or an apart decision? is this congruent with my stated intentions, or am i pushing the lines? i'm not used to that monologue being constant, but it has to be for now, until i internalize the idea of acting consistently with the expectations i help shape for myself.
please note: together decisions don't imply that i cannot make decisions in my own interests; they're not about subsuming my own needs entirely for the benefit of the relationship, but rather finding the balancing point. if i decide that this relationship is important to me, that matthew is important to me, then the things that will make me happiest in the long run are the things that keep the relationship and my partner stable.