Losing my religion
Is it really that difficult to start something? Unfortunately it is. Right now I have so many thoughts and feelings running through my head that I can’t even figure out where to begin! Of course, part of that is I want to sound interesting and cool but it is beside the point at this moment. So moving on….
You know (well, maybe you don’t but pretend that you do) how some dogs will (*this is completely off topic but Sandy just started growling at something and it was a squirrel at the end of the driveway…lol) whine and pant while riding in a car? Many times it is because the dog is seeing so much so fast that they have a hard time processing it. They want to go and investigate every little thing and smell. So what is my point here? I have felt the same way lately. I think more so since we acquired the internet at home.
I have obsessive tendencies….ah screw it… I am an obsessive person. I also like to make promises that I cannot keep because I am unreliable. It really sucks. Oh, and my newest addition? I feel bi-polar in my faith. One minute I’m jumping for joy and singing how great God is, then in the next breath I am denying He even exists. What. The. Heck!? Seriously!! How do you go from “I believe in God!” to “I’m not sure how I feel. This God being seems kind of sketchy.” I don’t get it. I have spoken to people who have a strong faith and I usually feel renewed and re-energized afterward. But later I find myself wrestling again with the whole faith thing.
I understand people have dealt with this question for thousands of years. I get it. But to jump back and forth and not make a decision on what you believe?.....I don’t like being so whishy-washy. Part of having faith in something means you have to accept things you don’t always understand….but gosh darn it! How am I supposed to know what to believe when so many people are claiming that their way is the right and only way?? Good. Grief.
You know what?? Let me be 100% honest: I believe that Jesus Christ existed. I believe that He died a horrific death in order to do something for mankind. I believe that He was and is amazing. I believe He did die for my sins….I don’t know how….but it happened. I believe that Jesus is my superhero. Yeah…it sounds dorky but whatever.
I don’t believe that I am better than you because I call myself a “Christian.” I don’t like even saying I am a Christian because of the negative connotations associated with it nowadays. I would rather say my religious beliefs are “Yay God and Jesus!”
Another confession is I don’t believe a person is going to hell because they are not “Christian.” I think there is a passage in the Bible that does address those with other religious beliefs. Heh, I also like to use the Bible to strengthen how I view the world. I will use it when I can apply it but when it doesn’t make sense or I don’t like what it says then forget it. I know the Bible has amazing stories and loving words yet I cannot bring myself to fully trust it. My experience from studying languages has made me realize that there is something lost when translating. Now, I am not saying the Bible was not translated correctly. I am saying that over time…well, things change. Cultures change. I am pretty sure many people have addressed this…
Grr…I can’t help but get frustrated at how we can look at other culture’s and religions as being super strange and fantasy-like yet we can talk about a garden of beauty and a freaking talking serpent! Don’t get me wrong, I am glad I don’t believe in multiple deities…I just don’t like sounding better than other people…well, sometimes….like if someone else is being a real jerk…then it is ok for me to know I am better than them… Yeeaah….I sure am a good person…(please note my sarcasm!).
SIGH…anyway….I guess what I want to believe is this (along with a billion other people): I am here for a purpose…..*rolls eyes*…..ok…that is just part of it….heh heh….Who doesn’t want to believe that their existence means something? I suppose I could sit on my butt for the rest of my life trying to figure it out….OR….I could ponder on it from time to time but instead of doing nothing I could keep moving forward. I could try to fit God into a tiny box…or….let it be…
I believe that we want structure. Religion is a way for us to have that structure. I believe in the end it isn’t up to us…it is up to our Creator. Whether it is “GOD” or whatever. We are sad, broken beings who are looking to make themselves whole.
People are people.
I love the church I belong to. I love the relationships I am creating. But I cannot help but feel like I am living a little bit of a lie. I don’t think I have come across anything that I didn’t agree on at the church….if anything I am hesitant about believing the Bible hardcore. I admit that lately I come in with an attitude of “Oh, I know everything there is to know about anything and unfortunately we are just a bunch of poor useless saps who think we are better than everyone else.” Well, something like that I guess…..basically I feel like “I have seen the light” and it is a rainbow of colors that everyone keeps trying to make it black and white. I don’t know. I’m sick of feeling like this.
We all do the best we can people! Every situation is different. Every person is different!
Some of my frustrations have been from reading a book about homosexuality and the Bible. Now, I KNOW (and I don’t usually say that with confidence) that people do not choose their sexual orientation. Me? I am definitely heterosexual. I have never felt the way I have for a boy with any girl. I used to think that being bi-sexual was a choice…it was just the person couldn’t make up their mind which sex they liked….as though they were just too lazy… I could say the same about myself when it comes to cleaning my room…it isn’t that I can’t do it…or that I am lazy….I just get overwhelmed. My brain shuts down and I have a hard time dealing with the mess. Did I choose to have this happen every time I need to get something done? No. It is the way my brain is wired. Now I do have to wonder, if I apply that kind of logic to sexual orientation, does that mean it is a type of disorder? A disease?? I am in no way trying to offend anyone at all….I just want to understand how to get other people to understand….I guess…
Again it comes down to every person is different and therefore their situation is different. Oh, back to the book I am reading. In it, the writer breaks down certain Bible passages and explains how they have been misinterpreted for so long. The writer encourages readers to do their own Bible research which I thought was nice. Anyway, as I am reading I begin to wonder how am I supposed to use the word of God as a sword/shield of my faith when people are using it incorrectly?! Or what if I’m using it incorrectly???? GAH!!! T_T
I.DON’T.KNOW. When I do know I will try to let everyone else know….sigh… *shakes head*
Wow. I feel a lot better…you would think that after so many years of seeing a psychologist I would have this down pat but no… At least I’m doing it rather than not…
I don’t have all the answers. I never will. Sometimes I will. But not always. For those times I feel like I should prepare myself for a let down. Because, let’s face it, God has His own agenda and doesn’t ever do what I want. Well DUH. But it doesn’t mean I should run around with a helmet on my head just in case rocks fall on me! I can’t help it ok? It’s like when you flinch before getting a shot because you know it is going to hurt. I have been hurt many times in the past but I have to remember that it wasn’t like God was doing it on purpose because he likes to see me suffer. Oh my goodness no! Yet I keep flinching…while at the same time diving head first into another mess because I have no self control!!
Ok, on to something else…I can angst some more on the relationship stuff later. I need to angst about growing up and taking care of myself like a big girl……..
I enjoy the fact that I feel like a kid. I don’t enjoy the fact that I can’t get my crap together better. I have struggled with cleaning my room since the dawn of time……I have known that having a clean room makes me feel better and more in control of my life. There is less anxiety and stress. However, IT NEVER STAYS CLEAN!!!! *facepalm* WHHYY???? I know I am easily distracted. I know I have a difficult time focusing on certain tasks. I know that I can prevent myself from having anxiety attacks yet I don’t. “You have the tools” my mom will say. I KNOW!!! WHY AM I SO RETARDED???
I know that listening to music while I clean is nice. I know that timing myself for 15 minutes to clean is fine. I know that rewarding myself later is beneficial…. I don’t get it…. I seriously start to shut down when I imagine myself cleaning my room….I just sit there and stare into space….I wish I could just get rid of everything I have….or just put everything I have in a designated location. I want to know what I have and don’t have….sometimes it is fun to come across something I forgot I had but other times it just makes me a little stressed because I have no go place to put it. Blah blah blah….
Cheeseburger in paradise!! Aand we’re off! I feel a lot better….I feel accomplished. I like writing…it is fun…. But sometimes there are other things that are more fun…like reading fanfiction. Heh heh…
So yeah….glad that is off of my chest….it only took me forever to admit it….better late than never right?? *waggles eyebrows*
And that was my day. The End
You know (well, maybe you don’t but pretend that you do) how some dogs will (*this is completely off topic but Sandy just started growling at something and it was a squirrel at the end of the driveway…lol) whine and pant while riding in a car? Many times it is because the dog is seeing so much so fast that they have a hard time processing it. They want to go and investigate every little thing and smell. So what is my point here? I have felt the same way lately. I think more so since we acquired the internet at home.
I have obsessive tendencies….ah screw it… I am an obsessive person. I also like to make promises that I cannot keep because I am unreliable. It really sucks. Oh, and my newest addition? I feel bi-polar in my faith. One minute I’m jumping for joy and singing how great God is, then in the next breath I am denying He even exists. What. The. Heck!? Seriously!! How do you go from “I believe in God!” to “I’m not sure how I feel. This God being seems kind of sketchy.” I don’t get it. I have spoken to people who have a strong faith and I usually feel renewed and re-energized afterward. But later I find myself wrestling again with the whole faith thing.
I understand people have dealt with this question for thousands of years. I get it. But to jump back and forth and not make a decision on what you believe?.....I don’t like being so whishy-washy. Part of having faith in something means you have to accept things you don’t always understand….but gosh darn it! How am I supposed to know what to believe when so many people are claiming that their way is the right and only way?? Good. Grief.
You know what?? Let me be 100% honest: I believe that Jesus Christ existed. I believe that He died a horrific death in order to do something for mankind. I believe that He was and is amazing. I believe He did die for my sins….I don’t know how….but it happened. I believe that Jesus is my superhero. Yeah…it sounds dorky but whatever.
I don’t believe that I am better than you because I call myself a “Christian.” I don’t like even saying I am a Christian because of the negative connotations associated with it nowadays. I would rather say my religious beliefs are “Yay God and Jesus!”
Another confession is I don’t believe a person is going to hell because they are not “Christian.” I think there is a passage in the Bible that does address those with other religious beliefs. Heh, I also like to use the Bible to strengthen how I view the world. I will use it when I can apply it but when it doesn’t make sense or I don’t like what it says then forget it. I know the Bible has amazing stories and loving words yet I cannot bring myself to fully trust it. My experience from studying languages has made me realize that there is something lost when translating. Now, I am not saying the Bible was not translated correctly. I am saying that over time…well, things change. Cultures change. I am pretty sure many people have addressed this…
Grr…I can’t help but get frustrated at how we can look at other culture’s and religions as being super strange and fantasy-like yet we can talk about a garden of beauty and a freaking talking serpent! Don’t get me wrong, I am glad I don’t believe in multiple deities…I just don’t like sounding better than other people…well, sometimes….like if someone else is being a real jerk…then it is ok for me to know I am better than them… Yeeaah….I sure am a good person…(please note my sarcasm!).
SIGH…anyway….I guess what I want to believe is this (along with a billion other people): I am here for a purpose…..*rolls eyes*…..ok…that is just part of it….heh heh….Who doesn’t want to believe that their existence means something? I suppose I could sit on my butt for the rest of my life trying to figure it out….OR….I could ponder on it from time to time but instead of doing nothing I could keep moving forward. I could try to fit God into a tiny box…or….let it be…
I believe that we want structure. Religion is a way for us to have that structure. I believe in the end it isn’t up to us…it is up to our Creator. Whether it is “GOD” or whatever. We are sad, broken beings who are looking to make themselves whole.
People are people.
I love the church I belong to. I love the relationships I am creating. But I cannot help but feel like I am living a little bit of a lie. I don’t think I have come across anything that I didn’t agree on at the church….if anything I am hesitant about believing the Bible hardcore. I admit that lately I come in with an attitude of “Oh, I know everything there is to know about anything and unfortunately we are just a bunch of poor useless saps who think we are better than everyone else.” Well, something like that I guess…..basically I feel like “I have seen the light” and it is a rainbow of colors that everyone keeps trying to make it black and white. I don’t know. I’m sick of feeling like this.
We all do the best we can people! Every situation is different. Every person is different!
Some of my frustrations have been from reading a book about homosexuality and the Bible. Now, I KNOW (and I don’t usually say that with confidence) that people do not choose their sexual orientation. Me? I am definitely heterosexual. I have never felt the way I have for a boy with any girl. I used to think that being bi-sexual was a choice…it was just the person couldn’t make up their mind which sex they liked….as though they were just too lazy… I could say the same about myself when it comes to cleaning my room…it isn’t that I can’t do it…or that I am lazy….I just get overwhelmed. My brain shuts down and I have a hard time dealing with the mess. Did I choose to have this happen every time I need to get something done? No. It is the way my brain is wired. Now I do have to wonder, if I apply that kind of logic to sexual orientation, does that mean it is a type of disorder? A disease?? I am in no way trying to offend anyone at all….I just want to understand how to get other people to understand….I guess…
Again it comes down to every person is different and therefore their situation is different. Oh, back to the book I am reading. In it, the writer breaks down certain Bible passages and explains how they have been misinterpreted for so long. The writer encourages readers to do their own Bible research which I thought was nice. Anyway, as I am reading I begin to wonder how am I supposed to use the word of God as a sword/shield of my faith when people are using it incorrectly?! Or what if I’m using it incorrectly???? GAH!!! T_T
I.DON’T.KNOW. When I do know I will try to let everyone else know….sigh… *shakes head*
Wow. I feel a lot better…you would think that after so many years of seeing a psychologist I would have this down pat but no… At least I’m doing it rather than not…
I don’t have all the answers. I never will. Sometimes I will. But not always. For those times I feel like I should prepare myself for a let down. Because, let’s face it, God has His own agenda and doesn’t ever do what I want. Well DUH. But it doesn’t mean I should run around with a helmet on my head just in case rocks fall on me! I can’t help it ok? It’s like when you flinch before getting a shot because you know it is going to hurt. I have been hurt many times in the past but I have to remember that it wasn’t like God was doing it on purpose because he likes to see me suffer. Oh my goodness no! Yet I keep flinching…while at the same time diving head first into another mess because I have no self control!!
Ok, on to something else…I can angst some more on the relationship stuff later. I need to angst about growing up and taking care of myself like a big girl……..
I enjoy the fact that I feel like a kid. I don’t enjoy the fact that I can’t get my crap together better. I have struggled with cleaning my room since the dawn of time……I have known that having a clean room makes me feel better and more in control of my life. There is less anxiety and stress. However, IT NEVER STAYS CLEAN!!!! *facepalm* WHHYY???? I know I am easily distracted. I know I have a difficult time focusing on certain tasks. I know that I can prevent myself from having anxiety attacks yet I don’t. “You have the tools” my mom will say. I KNOW!!! WHY AM I SO RETARDED???
I know that listening to music while I clean is nice. I know that timing myself for 15 minutes to clean is fine. I know that rewarding myself later is beneficial…. I don’t get it…. I seriously start to shut down when I imagine myself cleaning my room….I just sit there and stare into space….I wish I could just get rid of everything I have….or just put everything I have in a designated location. I want to know what I have and don’t have….sometimes it is fun to come across something I forgot I had but other times it just makes me a little stressed because I have no go place to put it. Blah blah blah….
Cheeseburger in paradise!! Aand we’re off! I feel a lot better….I feel accomplished. I like writing…it is fun…. But sometimes there are other things that are more fun…like reading fanfiction. Heh heh…
So yeah….glad that is off of my chest….it only took me forever to admit it….better late than never right?? *waggles eyebrows*
And that was my day. The End