"distressed" -- a good, simple description
I'm not going to go into all the drama. I'm sick of this being my only forum for such. Yes, I'm having time to spend on here. The first sign that things aren't good. However, those that need to know about it, know about it.
What I'm concerned about right now, enough that I would put it on here, to try to formulate it a bit, organize my thoughts, beat the drunkenness....I'm losing myself. i've seen it for a while. I'm losing touch. ME. "I know myself perfectly" --Jamie....I used to. I've lost it. I don't know what I want. I don't have thoughts of my own, or rather, not as that sounds, but thoughts only of myself. Most of them are selfish in their own way, but not directly. That's not me....That scares the hell out of me...[makes me want another drink, which I think that I'll get, now that I've started (damn Ray)....Ugh. I have ceased to enjoy Jack Daniels, unfortunately, I killed off all teh Ketel One and Southern Comfort the other day...I WAS being strong, not drinking, only a little shaky until Ray started talking about alcohol...]
Anyhow...I'm not sure, anymore, how to get ME back....I don't know where to start again. Time alone. Thoughtfulness. I have these. And I haven't completely lost touch. I still know who I am. I can't ever forget that, I don't think. But, the present, what I want, what I need, what I'm doing....That's what's gone....How to get those back? Watchfulness? I always have that, too....Too aware, sometimes, thanks...Self-watching? "Why do I do this? Why did I say that? Why did I react that way?"....Perhaps, but I can still answer these...If I think about it...Perhaps that's the first step....But, where to find where I am? What I'm doing....I know that work doesn't matter....For me it's just a means to live, to learn, to trave, to experience.....I can't find any work that means anything to me, so I use work as this. I don't have a problem with that. But, I still haven't sone anything with my photography, nto really. I don't live. Not anymore. Yes, that's not only my fault, but it IS my fault too, if nothing else, for letting it happen...I still KNOW....why don't I do it? Why don't I LIVE anymore....? I shall try. Not tomorrow....too early....and, if I do anything, it will be going to the thrift store for work shirts.....Maybe Thursday. Just go to the park. Watch. Live. See life. Maybe take some pictures. Think. Focus...
I can't think of where to start....I mean, I know I want to travel, I know that I want to take pictures, I know that I want to develop my own film, and further my photography generally....But, the feel is gone. Of LIFE. I know it. I know the feel. But I don't feel it. I don't know where to go from here...I've never been here....It's not like I have to re-learn all of it -- I'm not that far gone. But, I know what it should be like, what it was like for so long, and don't know how to get back there. I think that I just have to watch. It's the only thing that I know how to do. It's how I got this far to begin with... Watch. Me, everyone, everything, how I react, how I respond, what I think, WHY....Watch it all....I do, already. But, completely watch, all of the time, and follow my instincts and urges...If I feel like doing something, do it, if I feel like saying something say it....
I guess that's grown up, huh? The other day, I actually thought that I may be shot if I sais something, so I didn't say it, didn't do what I felt like doing....Before, I would have done it, daring him to shoot me....I haven't said things that I normally would have, at my new job, trying to get further....Before, I would have said "fuck it" and been me, regardless of the reaction....Unfortunately, I have bills, and can't be making as little as I am now, for long, if I want to live. So, I have to make an impression, deal with the politics, get favor, bust my ass AND be friendly....An odd situation. One I've never been in before....I never realized that I had grown up...I mean, I don't care whether they like me, think I'm a freak, are scared of me, whatever...Not really...I do care whether they think I'll be good at being a "B Waiter" (ie making a bunch more money, and therefore having more freedom to live), whether they think I work hard, know my shit, and am good with people....As long as they see that "freak" of me as background, and the work-self as foreground, I'm okay... I don't care about being only a grunt, about being the lowest person on the scale of things. I do care about making more money and being less miserable to have more time and money to be free and LIVE with...
I don't know. I'm rambling. And now I'm fairly drunk....Ignore me. Not like anyody's reading anyway....
What I'm concerned about right now, enough that I would put it on here, to try to formulate it a bit, organize my thoughts, beat the drunkenness....I'm losing myself. i've seen it for a while. I'm losing touch. ME. "I know myself perfectly" --Jamie....I used to. I've lost it. I don't know what I want. I don't have thoughts of my own, or rather, not as that sounds, but thoughts only of myself. Most of them are selfish in their own way, but not directly. That's not me....That scares the hell out of me...[makes me want another drink, which I think that I'll get, now that I've started (damn Ray)....Ugh. I have ceased to enjoy Jack Daniels, unfortunately, I killed off all teh Ketel One and Southern Comfort the other day...I WAS being strong, not drinking, only a little shaky until Ray started talking about alcohol...]
Anyhow...I'm not sure, anymore, how to get ME back....I don't know where to start again. Time alone. Thoughtfulness. I have these. And I haven't completely lost touch. I still know who I am. I can't ever forget that, I don't think. But, the present, what I want, what I need, what I'm doing....That's what's gone....How to get those back? Watchfulness? I always have that, too....Too aware, sometimes, thanks...Self-watching? "Why do I do this? Why did I say that? Why did I react that way?"....Perhaps, but I can still answer these...If I think about it...Perhaps that's the first step....But, where to find where I am? What I'm doing....I know that work doesn't matter....For me it's just a means to live, to learn, to trave, to experience.....I can't find any work that means anything to me, so I use work as this. I don't have a problem with that. But, I still haven't sone anything with my photography, nto really. I don't live. Not anymore. Yes, that's not only my fault, but it IS my fault too, if nothing else, for letting it happen...I still KNOW....why don't I do it? Why don't I LIVE anymore....? I shall try. Not tomorrow....too early....and, if I do anything, it will be going to the thrift store for work shirts.....Maybe Thursday. Just go to the park. Watch. Live. See life. Maybe take some pictures. Think. Focus...
I can't think of where to start....I mean, I know I want to travel, I know that I want to take pictures, I know that I want to develop my own film, and further my photography generally....But, the feel is gone. Of LIFE. I know it. I know the feel. But I don't feel it. I don't know where to go from here...I've never been here....It's not like I have to re-learn all of it -- I'm not that far gone. But, I know what it should be like, what it was like for so long, and don't know how to get back there. I think that I just have to watch. It's the only thing that I know how to do. It's how I got this far to begin with... Watch. Me, everyone, everything, how I react, how I respond, what I think, WHY....Watch it all....I do, already. But, completely watch, all of the time, and follow my instincts and urges...If I feel like doing something, do it, if I feel like saying something say it....
I guess that's grown up, huh? The other day, I actually thought that I may be shot if I sais something, so I didn't say it, didn't do what I felt like doing....Before, I would have done it, daring him to shoot me....I haven't said things that I normally would have, at my new job, trying to get further....Before, I would have said "fuck it" and been me, regardless of the reaction....Unfortunately, I have bills, and can't be making as little as I am now, for long, if I want to live. So, I have to make an impression, deal with the politics, get favor, bust my ass AND be friendly....An odd situation. One I've never been in before....I never realized that I had grown up...I mean, I don't care whether they like me, think I'm a freak, are scared of me, whatever...Not really...I do care whether they think I'll be good at being a "B Waiter" (ie making a bunch more money, and therefore having more freedom to live), whether they think I work hard, know my shit, and am good with people....As long as they see that "freak" of me as background, and the work-self as foreground, I'm okay... I don't care about being only a grunt, about being the lowest person on the scale of things. I do care about making more money and being less miserable to have more time and money to be free and LIVE with...
I don't know. I'm rambling. And now I'm fairly drunk....Ignore me. Not like anyody's reading anyway....