Life, the Universe, and Everything
It’s funny how life ends up havin’ its twists and turns. How we never know where we’ll end up, or even how we’ll end up. Lately the thoughts of where I’ve been and what I’ve done have been crossing my mind as I plan more for where I want to be. I figure, in the end, the best way to figure out where you want to go, is to know what you’ve done. So I suppose I should start at the beginning. Sort of…
Back in high school, I was listless and floated amongst different groups of people. Granted, the school was small, so it’s not like I could really find a wide variety of personalities, but there were still enough unique personalities that you could find something different if you wanted. I kept separate groups of these friends, only telling certain ones part of certain information, mostly keeping to myself. Strangely enough, as hypocritical and problematic as they were, the youth group that I was involved with ended up starting to draw me out of this and taught me to at least be a bit more sociable. Not everyone was out to get me. But the difference made was still only minor. I still had little to no direction in life and the only thing I really proved to be good at was with computers. As much as it was a hobby, it was also a way of making and keeping friends but was still just a placeholder. It’s something I’m good at, not something that makes me happy. I didn’t even realize this fact until I graduated high school, still with the chip on my shoulder, and still with no real plan in life except to escape my hometown.
So I chose Michigan Tech. It was the farthest I could go without leaving the state to get away from home, but also it was a school that no one else from my high school was going to. It was a new beginning. It was place where I could start all over again with people who had no preconceptions about me. It’s not that those that I graduated with were all really that bad of people, I just wanted something different. The school proved to be perfect, as it was just large enough that you could be anonymous if you wished, but small enough that you could really get to know people as well. And I ended up lucking out. My first two years I spent in the dorms were with a good group of guys that helped pull me more out of my shell and got me actually living life, albeit by doing silly/stupid things… but it got me going. Ended up meeting up with one of my best friends over that time, and knew some of the guys well enough to move into a house with as well. Life was good! I had finally learned that computers weren’t my forte, as I was unhappy with the selection, and even learned that the things that truly made me happy was working with my hands and creating something myself. Eventually, I even did something that I never thought I’d end up doing: I joined a fraternity. Granted, it wasn’t the typical social greek, but it was a fraternity none-the-less.
So come the end of my second year, I wasn’t doing so great in school, but socially I was doing well. I stayed in Houghton for the summer, lived in the house and worked with Scott up at the MTU apartments. Most of my time was spent with APO brothers, and I really truly got to know some of the best group of people I’ve had the chance to meet. That summer proved to be one of the most interesting and fun time I have honestly ever had. It might’ve been lazy days and stupid things, but it was good.
And then the semester started. The girl I was seeing at the time turned out to be less than stable, and life generally started to take a downturn. No matter what I did, I couldn’t really help her any and I basically watched as someone I cared about self-destructed in front of me. It was depressing, and wore on me quickly. Things took a turn for the worse when I had a falling out with the guys I was living with, and family problems arose. It was one of the worst combinations of “Bad Shit” that I’ve really dealt with and eventually I failed out of school.
So life had taken a drastic turn, and as Jobs said in his commencement speech, life decided to hit me in the head with a brick. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do, or if even MTU was the place for me. So instead of appealing, I took the time off and worked. I used the extra few months to figure out life in general. What I wanted, where I wanted to be. Really, I used the time to grow up a bit. To finally make a decision and pick a direction. Granted, it wasn’t all easy, as I had come out with a huge chip on my shoulder and a bitterness that I’m glad I’ve shaken myself of. But the time I spent working helped me realized some of the things I really didn’t want in my life, and who I didn’t want to be.
So I went back.
I lived with one of the guys who had my back the entire time through the best and worst of things. I realized who my friends were, and who were just the fair-weather ones as well as what I needed to do. Things got better. Not quickly or easily, but things did get better. Decided that moving back on campus was best for me, as it gave me the opportunity to have my own room and do things my own way. Spent another summer in Houghton, and spent a lot of time with some good, close friends. The ones that were always there for me. But yet, throughout all this, the life lessons, the ups and downs, and everything else… I was still listless. I was a different person, yes, but yet I was still the same, as I suppose we all are in some way. I had yet to find that goal. That passion really.
And then I ended up meeting another girl.
As one of my oldest and most trusted friends ended up telling me one night, “Stu, every girl you date seems to destroy a little part of you.” It’s funny how she had that tad bit of insight, but as I mentioned to her… at least I mess up in different ways each time. But as funny as it was, this one didn’t particularly destroy something of me this time. Instead, she found a way to accidentally awaken what I had been missing and looking for. How she accomplished this, I have no clue. But in the criticisms and letdowns that came out of the failure of the relationship, it prompted me into my second point of reflection. This one was much different from the first. Instead of trying to figure out where I should be, I decided on where I wanted to go, and finally… finally ended up learning once and for all what it is that drives me. The funniest part is how simple the answer was.
I liked to learn.
That’s it. Simple as can be. I liked to pick up something new, something interesting and run with it. It happened with computers, the jeep, and many aspects in my life. I enjoyed being that Jack-of-all-trades who came in handy, no matter the situation. It wasn’t any one thing that I loved… it turned out it was everything. I wasn’t actually particularly lost or lacking in direction, I just had the knack of picking up anything if I honestly tried. Combined with the love of interesting topography, this has proved to be invaluable.
I have changed, I know this. Its funny how much in only a few years, but I’ve gone from the computer geek, socially awkward, listless kid who never really got out as much as he should’ve to the one who loves the outdoors, travels 500 miles to visit friends, and is at least now just a little less socially awkward. I suppose you could summarize a lot of it into a few words: I grew up and came into my own.
So here I am. With a growing list of things I want to learn and accomplish in life, each task demanding in its own special way. I’m not following the proverbial “dream”, as it turns out that I have many. I’ve learned that life doesn’t have to be linear. That your lessons and revelations will come at you through the strangest of ways… and sometimes through the most difficult of experiences. But to make it through, no matter how bad things get, or even how good they get…. To never stop learning. To take the risks and put yourself out there, and to never stop looking for what you want out of life. Even if what you want just so happens to be a bit of everything.
It’s the reason that Jobs’ commencement speech “spoke” to me. It was things I already knew and was aware of, but he ended up saying it in a way that’s much more eloquent than I probably have. Not to mention shorter! I may not be exactly where I thought I’d be in life by now… but I’m exactly where I should be. Because I’ve gotten myself to where I’m at, through the good and the bad decisions and the experiences that coincide with them have all made me into who I am. I’m not perfect by any means, but that’s ok. The best we can ever hope to be is just ourselves, just doing what we love. We may never know everything in life, but that naivety and yearning to learn is a strong motivational force. So don’t lose it, and don’t settle.
Stay Hungry, Stay Foolish.