The One About the Best Movie Review I've Read All Year
All movie reviews should be written in the style seen below. There are no lines to read between and the author makes it real clear.
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National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets
I just got a long, sloppy hummer from National Treasure 2
And it was one of the weakest popshots I've had at the movies all year.
Now, I wasn't exactly thinking, "I'd like to see a really taut, bulletproof story with logical escalating conflict that's wrapped up within a reasonable running time, so National Treasure 2 is the sweet, sweet 18-year old cinematic pussy that I need to ravage until my cock turns to hamburger meat and I can't even manage to say the word 'erection' let alone fill my beefstick with enough blood to get one."
No, I was just looking for a fun time at the movies. I wanted to stop off at the multiplex, pick up a fat chick (not too fat), turn her around, and bone off a couple loads for about an hour and a half. For 6 bucks, who's going to judge me, right?
The movie starts off well enough. It begins 5 days after the Civil War ends, right before Lincoln is assassinated. It was beautiful foreplay. The sets slowly teased my sack and the period costumes massaged my balls gently. I found this setup mildly arrousing. After only a few minutes, I was wetter than a melting bobsled (I have a vagina, too.)
But then we get Nic Cage and the old guy from Anaconda and we begin with some amazingly bad plot contrivances. This is the part of the film where the fat chick turns around, pulls my dick out and starts stroking it. What the fuck? I mean, it wasn't the greatest sensation I've felt all day, but I was perfectly content continuing along the route we were going.
And then it starts to get dry. Her cracked fingers start irritating the shaft. Spit on it, baby. Rub some pussy sauce on it. I don't care, cry on it, bleed on it, whatever. Just lube me up, because this is starting to hurt.
Then there are a few car chases, and things seem to be getting back on track. I close my eyes and feel something wet. She's going to fellate me til the next century! But no. Don't get too excited. NT2 presents us with the worst, lamest, easiest presidential kidnapping I've ever seen.
"Damn girl, watch the fucking teeth!" I shout.
But she doesn't.
On it goes, painful, painful, until they find all of this gold. I'm not really feeling this anymore. I know what's going to happen, I just want to be done with this. I have to think of National Treasure 1 just to stay hard. I'm trying my best to think of Indiana Jones so maybe I can finish this up. I actually consider making her close her eyes and then spitting on her and faking a half-assed moan, just so she'll think I'm done.
But she wouldn't be fooled. Not this one. She's got 2 hours and 4 minutes, and she's going to make me feel it. Every. Painful. Second.
And now it kind of burns when I urinate.
- Mudhole on RottenTomatoes.com
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National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets
I just got a long, sloppy hummer from National Treasure 2
And it was one of the weakest popshots I've had at the movies all year.
Now, I wasn't exactly thinking, "I'd like to see a really taut, bulletproof story with logical escalating conflict that's wrapped up within a reasonable running time, so National Treasure 2 is the sweet, sweet 18-year old cinematic pussy that I need to ravage until my cock turns to hamburger meat and I can't even manage to say the word 'erection' let alone fill my beefstick with enough blood to get one."
No, I was just looking for a fun time at the movies. I wanted to stop off at the multiplex, pick up a fat chick (not too fat), turn her around, and bone off a couple loads for about an hour and a half. For 6 bucks, who's going to judge me, right?
The movie starts off well enough. It begins 5 days after the Civil War ends, right before Lincoln is assassinated. It was beautiful foreplay. The sets slowly teased my sack and the period costumes massaged my balls gently. I found this setup mildly arrousing. After only a few minutes, I was wetter than a melting bobsled (I have a vagina, too.)
But then we get Nic Cage and the old guy from Anaconda and we begin with some amazingly bad plot contrivances. This is the part of the film where the fat chick turns around, pulls my dick out and starts stroking it. What the fuck? I mean, it wasn't the greatest sensation I've felt all day, but I was perfectly content continuing along the route we were going.
And then it starts to get dry. Her cracked fingers start irritating the shaft. Spit on it, baby. Rub some pussy sauce on it. I don't care, cry on it, bleed on it, whatever. Just lube me up, because this is starting to hurt.
Then there are a few car chases, and things seem to be getting back on track. I close my eyes and feel something wet. She's going to fellate me til the next century! But no. Don't get too excited. NT2 presents us with the worst, lamest, easiest presidential kidnapping I've ever seen.
"Damn girl, watch the fucking teeth!" I shout.
But she doesn't.
On it goes, painful, painful, until they find all of this gold. I'm not really feeling this anymore. I know what's going to happen, I just want to be done with this. I have to think of National Treasure 1 just to stay hard. I'm trying my best to think of Indiana Jones so maybe I can finish this up. I actually consider making her close her eyes and then spitting on her and faking a half-assed moan, just so she'll think I'm done.
But she wouldn't be fooled. Not this one. She's got 2 hours and 4 minutes, and she's going to make me feel it. Every. Painful. Second.
And now it kind of burns when I urinate.
- Mudhole on RottenTomatoes.com