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Lots of stuff on my mind the past week or so. Plenty of new facts to face, and I guess I'm just trying to grasp it all, see how this idea feels, play with this decision, in the hopes of coming to conclusions. I have to find a place to live for July. And all that encompasses.... finances, comfort, what do I prefer to have more of, living alone for the first time in my life. Losing Eve as my roomate I realize is a surfacing issue that I am seeing in me. I feel that I am distancing myself from her when never have a done that. I haven't wanted much conversation about stuff. Basic comings and goings it feels like, and there is something heavy in my heart in her presence, a bit sad and a bit mad and a bit scared. Like I am preparing myself for the "big day." Eve was the first friend I made in Montreal 4 years ago when I was kicked out of FRP then out of my apartment and shunned by all the friends I had at the time. Our closeness and friendship and love and appreciation has been reciprocal. She helped me rebuild, so many times she was my pillar. Through all my trials and tribulations, repeated mistakes, silly behaviors, she was 100% unjudgemental of me without exception. And I hope I gave her the same. My independance and slope up in being an adult began while I knew her, and it began and happened in this apartment that we share. I cant begin to recollect all the great memories I have of this place. Oh my god. So many beautiful times, parties, gatherings of friends all the time, summer, the music, the drinks and dinners, the movies we rented sex and the city and six feet under, men of the moment, the laughs, endless endless revealing conversations that we learned so much from. I can't even begin to describe it so I'll just stop at that because the in-betweens of my memories here are so thick. Her presence, just her presence. Someone who knows that one secret that we all think we will take to our graves, I told her one night. She lived my everything alongside me, and I lived her everything alongside her. As I write this out, I am realizing something I think. Yes, I do love this apartment, but it's not leaving the apartment itself that is hard, it is not living with Eve that is the real thing I am feeling. I picture being able to keep the flat with some other person, and it carries no meaning for me. I guess because this is not my apartment, or her apartment, but our apartment. Yes, I know we will be in touch, a metro ride away depending, and we will be close despite not living together. Yes, I know I am not losing her, we aren't losing eachother. But something is being "lost"...closed, the end of our home.
