Who's to blame
It seems that I am used as a doormat pretty often. Not just by anyone, but by the 'men' in my life. All of them, without exception, all my 'guy friends'. Not my girlfriends. I didnt go to work today. I didnt feel like it. I got a bit panicky today, that when finally things are going good again for me (ie i am FEELING good), that they would start going downhill. But maybe it was just a bad day. The only bad thing that actually happened was that I woke up not wanting to go to work, and later during the day I received an sms from Tom saying that he wouldn't be moving in with me in July, that he has already moved out. I was insulted, that he hadn't even mentioned it to me that he moved last week, he only told me through a text message cuz he responded to mine in which I said that I got my lease renewal notice and we would have to decide soon if we were going to move in together. Fine if he had changed his mind... but he didnt even tell me in the interim that he had already moved out. I told Eve today that it made me feel like a "bouche-trou". And then I got to thinking of other areas of my life where I can say the same situation applies, and it applies without exception to every single guy in my life that I was ever close to or somewhat, and still today. And because this is true without an exception, then it is certainly me who is making the wrong decisions somewhere. And I'm fucking sick of it. Either they want me to solve their problems and be their shrink or they just want to fuck me. Or both. The closest things that I ever had to equality with a guy was my friendship post-tragedy with Martin. But I am the one who fell in love with him eventually, and he was the one who fucked it up and led me to live a lie until I found him out. So there again though, I was abused. And Greg years ago, which started off great but turned into another unhealthy tragedy for so long in the end, where he abused of me eventually too. The link I see between Martin and Greg that make them exceptional is that I know that they are the 2 men that I ever loved that awesome love for real at some point. And they were the most heartbreaking, of course. I know so much of my past and current situations with men are my own fault, my own bad judgement, my own patterns. Do I just want attention from a man, and I seek it the only way that I know works without fault for me? The needy boys, always. The bad boys, always. The naughty playboys that every single woman is running after fall into me with a snap of my finger. Guys with problems, who love to talk to me cuz I'm so great to talk to that I can help them to change their lives. And, drum roll please, they all, without exception, began with sex. They are all dying to get in my pants first. And a few more times after that cuz I know what the experience is like with me, I'm 'complimented' on it every time. Do I use sex as power? BUT OH GOD FORBID that through the conversations between the sexual escapades they discover how great I am to talk to, to solve the dilemmas of their worlds. "You're so smart Mel. You're so nice to me Mel. You're so sweet, so beautiful. I love talking to you Mel. I really respect you more than most people I have ever met. I wouldnt want to lose you as a friend ever, you've changed me, I think its a good idea that we stop having sex." Never is it "I really want you as my girlfriend, I would really like to try our hand at something good together, just the two of us." The thing is that I am old enough and have had enough experience in all this to not feel confused about WHY this always happens this way. I fucking know WHY it happens. It's all written above there! It's the men I "target", and the results are always the same. I get fucked over. I don't get the healthy relationship that I do want. And I know the reasons I don't get it. It's both the way I go about it, and the men I am attracted to. But here ye here ye listen listen listen: what IS confusing to me, what I totally do not understand is WHY am I attracted to men like that, and WHY do I keep doing it this way KNOWING that I will not get a satisfying healthy relationship in the end. A shrink I used to see years ago told me that it is through knowledge and awareness of your patterns that you change them. Well, I'm fucking aware of the pattern. But why do I keep doing it? I need to see another shrink again.