Key Concepts to my being
I've been thinking a lot lately about some key concepts that constitute my being-- you know, general traits that comprise who you are as a person, such as trust, friendship, forgiveness, consideration, emotional quotient, and so on.
Trust is probably the biggest one, but it's the most invisible. You can't prove it to anyone in the ultimate sense until your dying day. I had a recent post about trust, so I'll just refer you here (yeah the one with the graph).
But how does friendship define you, and how do you inherintly use or view it? I have to say, this past week has tested some of friendships, and I'm still getting the scores in now.
On an individual scale, a close and cherished friend attested and demonstrated their positive feelings for me, but then acted to the contrary. I reacted hard but we both forgave each other.
On a broader scale, I was brought into a situation where I met new people. Normally, this is where I flourish. I've been a social politician at UMass for 7 years. I know the benefits of friendship and thoroughly enjoy its reach. I can make friends, no problem. Except this past week, such was not the case.
It was like a poorly written play:Scene 1: A bar at restaurant. I just met 3 young guys, with an situated ethos that would make you assume they are responsible, trustworthy protectors of the community, real altruists. About 7 minutes into knowing them, the following exchange happens:
ME: [to bartender] May I have a Jack and Diet Coke please?
GUY #1: [to me] Oooh, a diet huh? What, can't take a regular?
ME: Well, actually I lost a lot of weight by cutting sugar.
GUY #1: [sarcastically] Yeah, you look like a guy who lost alotta weight there.
Scene 2: Another bar. I was stuck in the same social situation with the same people. There was a group of girls by the door and someone in the group needed to be the braggart and attempted to get the girls to come talk to our group. Not to sound too judgemental but "the fatty" came over being all ghetto, like, "yo, who wants to talk? who wants to talk?" So I decided that since I wasn't chatting much with a single person in the group I was stuck with, I myself would go talk to the actual cute girls still sitting at the table. I happened to know one from high school anyways. I had a good, clean, and fun conversation and returned to my group when they left. Upon returning, here's how I was recieved:
GUY #1: Bro, you get any numbers?
GUY #2: Yeah dude, you get them numbers or what?
ME: Uh, no, that's not what it's about.
GUY #1: [dismissively] Yeah, all right, guy.
Now that I'm writing this out, I just remembered my mental reaction to that! This sounds really bad, but I swear on my life it's true. See, I had a subconcious flashback to New Bedford High School. There were plenty of days where any number of my freshmen, my 14-16 year old freshmen, would say the same kind of things. "Mr. Giusti! Do you have a girlfriend? I bet she's ugly!" and another student would respond, "Nah kid! I bet Mr. Giusti's girlfriend is hott, right Mr. Giusti?" and then smile at me with a lifting nod, as if to seek my approval and gain favor with me.
Before I went out for the night, I hadn't explicitly thought about my expectations. Based on the ethos these fellas were surrounded by, I initially presumed a mature atmosphere and went out the door with my standard, default mode, which is to always be positive and assume that a stranger is just a friend you haven't met.
If first impressions are key, then it's built into my character to say positive things. But despite having faith in people, I'm not naive. I'm content to save my efforts on anyone who acts passive-aggressive under the guise of macho bravado moments into meeting someone. However pro-active I may be, I'm still a reactive person, as is anyone else.
Now that I think about it, that very attitude of positivity, like a gleeful pre-benefit-of-the-doubt disposition, is how I even met this one chic back in like October. I remember singing at karaoke-- a Journey song, perhaps. And while walking back to the table, she and her friend made a positive and fun comment. I made a split second decision: should I smile/nod/small talk politely and keep walking, or stop and talk. And it's because of my open attitude that I stopped and talked to her and her friend. And it turned out to be a worthy decision, for the most part.
Personally, I think every person you let in to your life molds you, just a little bit. And there are definitely some tricks and personality traits that have rubbed off on me from that same chic I met in October. Who better to be influenced by than your friends?
The good news is, I can say that at least this week featured gaining a new friendship. All it took was some interest (aka listening). Ironically, being forearmed in the nose and face a couple of times, mere hours after meeting this person, actually worked to strengthen bonds too.
And speaking of friends... I have also been thinking about how they say "friendship is the good times and the bad times." For a little while now, I feel like I've been floating on the shoreline of the ocean, on a boogie board, on a tide of bad times. I may have kicked and peddled back aggressively, but it made no difference.
If we're sticking with this metaphor, might as well run with it. Only the setting of the moon can influence high/low tide. Forgiveness is that very action, a revolution of the moon where you can swim back to the good graces of the shore-- the apogee of anger.
I seem to have made it through. But in recent times I've given people bad times too. I've left people stranded in my world, in an ocean of disrespect, or contempt, or disgust. It's only a matter of time before I realize the error of my ways and do my best to mitigate the aftermath of my Poseidonistic disdain. I'm not one to put up walls. Instead, when I feel fired upon, I just fire right back.
Without a doubt, I almost sunk this past week. I met a new person and felt condescended upon, so I reacted rudely. When I thought about the episode, I came to the conclusion that forgiveness is what I should seek for my deliberately abrasive manner. Despite the unlikelihood I'd ever cross paths with this new stranger, I still have my attitude of being a social politician and facing my own conscience. In wrestling, we call that "squashing the heat."
But upon expressing that, I suddenly found myself with two charges: one, that my thought process and values are so alien to those around me that it's questionable; and two, a perverse ultimatum that any appeal for forgiveness with the stranger would completely end a close and cherished friendship. Despite what I saw as a completely irrational threat, I still had to choose friendship over forgiveness.
There are ones whose friendship is always worth fighting for, even if it's yourself you're fighting.
I sometimes wonder what friendship is, at all. There are people you know from work. There are people you know from class. There are the people who are regulars at the same establishment you frequent. There are people whose phone number you have, but have only called once. Sometimes never. In between is a broad spectrum of titles: co-worker, colleague, buddy, pal, chum, mate, acquaintance, partner, friend, lover, and so on. And of course there are ones that don't fit into a category, and we call those ones "special." They tend to be the ones you love the most.
I have to think back to my own advice as to how to build a friendship in the first place. There are two steps: 1.) Listen, and 2.) Give. And just keep doing that. There's an intrinsic step in between those two, and I think that's consideration. If you listen to somebody-- and I mean GENUINELY and actively listen to them-- then as long as your brain isn't completely non-functional, you'll absorb some of their perspective. You may not employ it, but you'll get to understand them that much more.
I think consideraton comes automatic once you listen to someone. If you care about someone, and you listened to them tell you how their family was eaten by dingos, then you're not going to make them watch Animal Planet. Duh. But consideration manifests itself on more subtle levels than a Canine phobia.
Consideration, for one thing, is comprised of empathy. It means you don't just feel bad for someone (sympathy), but rather empathy means you put yourself in that person's shoes and feel what they're feeling. Aside from the emotional is the intellectual, or verbal level. So if someone says to you, "I'm not going to drink alcohol anymore," then if you were considerate, you obviously wouldn't take them to a bar. And if you really tried your best, you'd try to get them to steer clear of alcohol altogether. You can only do so much, since life is a series of choices, and it's their choice to make.
I don't believe we are all created equal in the following sense, though I do believe there is a baseline level we all have to our emotional quotient. This is a relatively new concept, so perhaps wikipedia would better describe it more readily than I.
But in a nutshell, we've all heard of IQ. It's the measure of our cognotive abilities insofar as intelligence and knowledge. We assume mathemeticians, brain surgeons, rocket scientists, and all sorts of nerds have high IQs. But book smarts aren't exclusively what define us. Much like how doing quick arethmetic isn't solely how we measure IQ, our emotional abilities can be gauged in subcategories, such as:
I was going to go on about at least 3 more topics, or key concepts, per the title of this post. But I'm tired so I'll bring it to a close.
The part about writing this which struck me the most was thinking back to the past week of my life and how I've been challenged, or criticized, or accused, or whatever you want to call it, that I think completely differently than anyone else. And that's been immediately followed by "but that's not a bad thing!"
Well, of course it's not a bad thing. And here's where I make my stand: not only is how I think a good thing, but it lies in all of us.
I value trust.
I work to build friendship.
I forgive and seek forgiveness.
I'm considerate and believe I have a significant emotional quotient.
These aren't the traits of a weirdo. These are the traits of a man.
Trust is probably the biggest one, but it's the most invisible. You can't prove it to anyone in the ultimate sense until your dying day. I had a recent post about trust, so I'll just refer you here (yeah the one with the graph).
But how does friendship define you, and how do you inherintly use or view it? I have to say, this past week has tested some of friendships, and I'm still getting the scores in now.
On an individual scale, a close and cherished friend attested and demonstrated their positive feelings for me, but then acted to the contrary. I reacted hard but we both forgave each other.
On a broader scale, I was brought into a situation where I met new people. Normally, this is where I flourish. I've been a social politician at UMass for 7 years. I know the benefits of friendship and thoroughly enjoy its reach. I can make friends, no problem. Except this past week, such was not the case.
It was like a poorly written play:Scene 1: A bar at restaurant. I just met 3 young guys, with an situated ethos that would make you assume they are responsible, trustworthy protectors of the community, real altruists. About 7 minutes into knowing them, the following exchange happens:
ME: [to bartender] May I have a Jack and Diet Coke please?
GUY #1: [to me] Oooh, a diet huh? What, can't take a regular?
ME: Well, actually I lost a lot of weight by cutting sugar.
GUY #1: [sarcastically] Yeah, you look like a guy who lost alotta weight there.
Scene 2: Another bar. I was stuck in the same social situation with the same people. There was a group of girls by the door and someone in the group needed to be the braggart and attempted to get the girls to come talk to our group. Not to sound too judgemental but "the fatty" came over being all ghetto, like, "yo, who wants to talk? who wants to talk?" So I decided that since I wasn't chatting much with a single person in the group I was stuck with, I myself would go talk to the actual cute girls still sitting at the table. I happened to know one from high school anyways. I had a good, clean, and fun conversation and returned to my group when they left. Upon returning, here's how I was recieved:
GUY #1: Bro, you get any numbers?
GUY #2: Yeah dude, you get them numbers or what?
ME: Uh, no, that's not what it's about.
GUY #1: [dismissively] Yeah, all right, guy.
Now that I'm writing this out, I just remembered my mental reaction to that! This sounds really bad, but I swear on my life it's true. See, I had a subconcious flashback to New Bedford High School. There were plenty of days where any number of my freshmen, my 14-16 year old freshmen, would say the same kind of things. "Mr. Giusti! Do you have a girlfriend? I bet she's ugly!" and another student would respond, "Nah kid! I bet Mr. Giusti's girlfriend is hott, right Mr. Giusti?" and then smile at me with a lifting nod, as if to seek my approval and gain favor with me.
Before I went out for the night, I hadn't explicitly thought about my expectations. Based on the ethos these fellas were surrounded by, I initially presumed a mature atmosphere and went out the door with my standard, default mode, which is to always be positive and assume that a stranger is just a friend you haven't met.
If first impressions are key, then it's built into my character to say positive things. But despite having faith in people, I'm not naive. I'm content to save my efforts on anyone who acts passive-aggressive under the guise of macho bravado moments into meeting someone. However pro-active I may be, I'm still a reactive person, as is anyone else.
Now that I think about it, that very attitude of positivity, like a gleeful pre-benefit-of-the-doubt disposition, is how I even met this one chic back in like October. I remember singing at karaoke-- a Journey song, perhaps. And while walking back to the table, she and her friend made a positive and fun comment. I made a split second decision: should I smile/nod/small talk politely and keep walking, or stop and talk. And it's because of my open attitude that I stopped and talked to her and her friend. And it turned out to be a worthy decision, for the most part.
Personally, I think every person you let in to your life molds you, just a little bit. And there are definitely some tricks and personality traits that have rubbed off on me from that same chic I met in October. Who better to be influenced by than your friends?
The good news is, I can say that at least this week featured gaining a new friendship. All it took was some interest (aka listening). Ironically, being forearmed in the nose and face a couple of times, mere hours after meeting this person, actually worked to strengthen bonds too.
And speaking of friends... I have also been thinking about how they say "friendship is the good times and the bad times." For a little while now, I feel like I've been floating on the shoreline of the ocean, on a boogie board, on a tide of bad times. I may have kicked and peddled back aggressively, but it made no difference.
If we're sticking with this metaphor, might as well run with it. Only the setting of the moon can influence high/low tide. Forgiveness is that very action, a revolution of the moon where you can swim back to the good graces of the shore-- the apogee of anger.
I seem to have made it through. But in recent times I've given people bad times too. I've left people stranded in my world, in an ocean of disrespect, or contempt, or disgust. It's only a matter of time before I realize the error of my ways and do my best to mitigate the aftermath of my Poseidonistic disdain. I'm not one to put up walls. Instead, when I feel fired upon, I just fire right back.
Without a doubt, I almost sunk this past week. I met a new person and felt condescended upon, so I reacted rudely. When I thought about the episode, I came to the conclusion that forgiveness is what I should seek for my deliberately abrasive manner. Despite the unlikelihood I'd ever cross paths with this new stranger, I still have my attitude of being a social politician and facing my own conscience. In wrestling, we call that "squashing the heat."
But upon expressing that, I suddenly found myself with two charges: one, that my thought process and values are so alien to those around me that it's questionable; and two, a perverse ultimatum that any appeal for forgiveness with the stranger would completely end a close and cherished friendship. Despite what I saw as a completely irrational threat, I still had to choose friendship over forgiveness.
There are ones whose friendship is always worth fighting for, even if it's yourself you're fighting.
I sometimes wonder what friendship is, at all. There are people you know from work. There are people you know from class. There are the people who are regulars at the same establishment you frequent. There are people whose phone number you have, but have only called once. Sometimes never. In between is a broad spectrum of titles: co-worker, colleague, buddy, pal, chum, mate, acquaintance, partner, friend, lover, and so on. And of course there are ones that don't fit into a category, and we call those ones "special." They tend to be the ones you love the most.
I have to think back to my own advice as to how to build a friendship in the first place. There are two steps: 1.) Listen, and 2.) Give. And just keep doing that. There's an intrinsic step in between those two, and I think that's consideration. If you listen to somebody-- and I mean GENUINELY and actively listen to them-- then as long as your brain isn't completely non-functional, you'll absorb some of their perspective. You may not employ it, but you'll get to understand them that much more.
I think consideraton comes automatic once you listen to someone. If you care about someone, and you listened to them tell you how their family was eaten by dingos, then you're not going to make them watch Animal Planet. Duh. But consideration manifests itself on more subtle levels than a Canine phobia.
Consideration, for one thing, is comprised of empathy. It means you don't just feel bad for someone (sympathy), but rather empathy means you put yourself in that person's shoes and feel what they're feeling. Aside from the emotional is the intellectual, or verbal level. So if someone says to you, "I'm not going to drink alcohol anymore," then if you were considerate, you obviously wouldn't take them to a bar. And if you really tried your best, you'd try to get them to steer clear of alcohol altogether. You can only do so much, since life is a series of choices, and it's their choice to make.
I don't believe we are all created equal in the following sense, though I do believe there is a baseline level we all have to our emotional quotient. This is a relatively new concept, so perhaps wikipedia would better describe it more readily than I.
But in a nutshell, we've all heard of IQ. It's the measure of our cognotive abilities insofar as intelligence and knowledge. We assume mathemeticians, brain surgeons, rocket scientists, and all sorts of nerds have high IQs. But book smarts aren't exclusively what define us. Much like how doing quick arethmetic isn't solely how we measure IQ, our emotional abilities can be gauged in subcategories, such as:
- Emotional Self-Awareness
- Emotional Expression
- Emotional Understanding of Others
- Emotional Reasoning
- Emotional Self-Management
- Emotional Management of Others
- Emotional Self-Control
I was going to go on about at least 3 more topics, or key concepts, per the title of this post. But I'm tired so I'll bring it to a close.
The part about writing this which struck me the most was thinking back to the past week of my life and how I've been challenged, or criticized, or accused, or whatever you want to call it, that I think completely differently than anyone else. And that's been immediately followed by "but that's not a bad thing!"
Well, of course it's not a bad thing. And here's where I make my stand: not only is how I think a good thing, but it lies in all of us.
I value trust.
I work to build friendship.
I forgive and seek forgiveness.
I'm considerate and believe I have a significant emotional quotient.
These aren't the traits of a weirdo. These are the traits of a man.