(no subject)
I don't know what it is about college but it makes me feel very insecure. I don't know if it's that I feel like if I make a wrong move my friends might hate me (which I don't really think is the case, I have great friends who are super nice and supportive) or that I gained a lot of weight last semester and was super gross (I've lost perhaps half of the weight i had gained) and I don't want to be gross and feel gross and feel rejected by the mens all the time like I did last semester. or maybe it's just that I want a boyfriend when all my friends seem to have one. i feel like i'm socially retarded sometimes. well, that's not really true, once I feel safe around my friends i open up and i'm cool, I guess, haha. But, perhaps I'm just deeply worried about feeling accepted. I never quite felt accepted all throughout elementary, middle, and high school, and it never seemed to bother me until now. i just feel i dunno, scared or weird or awkward a lot, and i don't know why it is exactly. and I feel like I just have to let my guard down and be natural and okay, which sometimes I do, I'm just worried my friends are going to think i'm weird, or crazy, or whatever. perhaps i am.
hopefully it'll be all good soon. i just need to become more confident. i like this boy, and I would really enjoy if he liked me too, or even if he was just interested enough to go out on a couple dates so i can make sure that i'm interested in him. but i don't want to push my insecurities onto him. that wouldn't be good. so, i'm trying to take it slow, and show him that i am cool and that i'm smart and yadda yadda yadda. there's this other girl though that also likes him that's not really prettier than i am, but she's got a better body, and she's also smart, and she's also pretty cool (and we're also friends, ah, awkward situation!) but i just really dont want him to like her and not me. i just really don't want to be jealous, or rejected, or just feel like shit about myself all over again. and even if he does like her as opposed to me, it might be fine, because she might be a better match for him than i ever was or will be and that is fine, and who knows, maybe i'd end up dating him and realize what he's really like and decide i don't like him. but, i'd prefer to find out before she does, heh.
oy vey, life. will i ever feel okay and confident about myself? if i get a great body will i? will i ever open up to my friends? who knows. time will tell.
hopefully it'll be all good soon. i just need to become more confident. i like this boy, and I would really enjoy if he liked me too, or even if he was just interested enough to go out on a couple dates so i can make sure that i'm interested in him. but i don't want to push my insecurities onto him. that wouldn't be good. so, i'm trying to take it slow, and show him that i am cool and that i'm smart and yadda yadda yadda. there's this other girl though that also likes him that's not really prettier than i am, but she's got a better body, and she's also smart, and she's also pretty cool (and we're also friends, ah, awkward situation!) but i just really dont want him to like her and not me. i just really don't want to be jealous, or rejected, or just feel like shit about myself all over again. and even if he does like her as opposed to me, it might be fine, because she might be a better match for him than i ever was or will be and that is fine, and who knows, maybe i'd end up dating him and realize what he's really like and decide i don't like him. but, i'd prefer to find out before she does, heh.
oy vey, life. will i ever feel okay and confident about myself? if i get a great body will i? will i ever open up to my friends? who knows. time will tell.