"Thank you for dating a grown up."
Yeah, I said that tonight.
The mate's girlfriend (okay, they aren't using that word yet, but admit they've progressed beyond just a casual FWB thing, they just don't have a preferred word for where they are yet, and it's the best I can come up with) ended up in the hospital - in Ohio, she was spending the holidays with her family - this weekend, which he found out as she texted him the same time he was texting her to see if she was ready for their scheduled call while I was at work on Saturday night. All I know at this moment is she came back from her morning run and couldn't recover, was dizzy and short of breath and it wouldn't go away, so her family shipped her to the ER. (Side note - they are having their phone call as I type this, her having been released yesterday and slept like 12 hours after she got home - no surprise, it's not like we let you SLEEP in the hospital, one of my major pet peeves as a nurse, people need their sleep, why am I waking them up at 0300 for a preventative heparin shot?!? - so I suspect I'll know more soon).
I know him well enough to know that at least some part of him wanted to drop everything and drive up and check on her. (Having been there when Barney was sitting on his chest and he ended up in the hospital overnight with pericarditis, I totally get it.) Any of the people he's dated previously (admittedly not a long list, thanks to the depression that had him underwater for 6-7 years, but still) would have done the "damsel in distress thing" and would have either been passive aggressive and made him feel guilty if he *hadn't* come up, or would have pressured him to do so. I was kind of waiting for it (or expecting him to be especially prickly because this was going on behind the scenes and he wasn't telling me about it).
What actually happened? She texted to advise him she couldn't call because she was at the ER, and didn't know if she'd have the time for their usual lengthy check in. She texted to let him know she was being released. And apparently she texted him this morning before we went to bed to apologize for radio silence after she got home, but she fell over and slept 12 hours, and maybe tonight? SO, she kept him in the loop (he didn't find out on Facebook or something, which happened a LOT with the local girl he'd asked out a few times, he's figured out that isn't going anywhere but friendship, which is good 'cause that shit wouldn't have continued anyway, don't treat my mate as an afterthought), but handled things and didn't need him to come up and "rescue" her and hold her hand.
Which is no less than I should have expected really, because as he has described things, while there is emotional attachment in that they CARE, they are independent people who have lives elsewhere and have no driving need to change that (she is a successful college professor, owns her own home, has a life she's built that is pretty happy where she is...but sex is nice and she hasn't dated anyone in a long time, they have similar things they want to explore, and have known each other for years so why not?).
See, here's the thing. I have a LONG history of dealing with "cow-girls" - women who either feign being bisexual to get to my partner through me, and then try to cut me out of the picture, or who feign polyamory to do the same thing. Not just with the mate, since the beginning of my polyamory really, so nigh on 25 years now. I EXPECT drama. I do NOT expect other people to act like grown ups. So, if I am being honest, I've been waiting for the other shoe to drop and (especially with the increased level of intimacy between them now) for drama to kick in. The fact that the mate has been prickly and overly defensive the past few months fueled that belief (that there was more going on behind the scenes he wasn't telling me).
Nope.
I've come to two major "apostrophes" in the past 24 hours (okay, the past hour or so, 'cause it was kind of a sudden sock upside the head a little while ago).
1) In coming out of a major 6-7 years long depression, the mate is not only coming out of his shell to interract and date again. He is coming out from behind the wall he built around himself and letting himself FEEL again. Period. He walled himself in so he wouldn't feel the pain of his grandmother's death (because it hit him in the very core of his being) and the other blows the universe hit him with that year (the girlfriend breaking up with him was such a minor piece of that, but it was in there too), and in coming out from the fortress he is learning how to navigate feelings again, both good AND bad. So OF COURSE he would be prickly and defensive - he is raw and bleeding, and trying to figure out how to feel pain without ducking behind the wall again. IT'S NOT ME. The fact that we've come as close to more actual fights than we ever have in our entire 10 years together since he started dating again is completely circumstantial, and a product of him being raw and navigating through those emotions, NOT because there is anything wrong between US. I have been taking it personally because, well, I fix things, and have felt like I had to fix this. Thus, fixing it became my responsibility, which my heart translated into it was my fault he was being prickly and defensive in the first place (okay, maybe not my FAULT, but related to my not having always handled the whole "being left behind" thing especially well, which is all intertwined in my OWN lack of self-confidence and how menopause has made my body the enemy again and feeling like a broken toy somebody tossed in the closet because they bought a shiny new replacement that works like it's supposed to).
That is a HUGE revalation that I may have to sit with for a minute and wrap my brain around. But it explains SO MUCH.
And 2) he really is dating a grown up this time. Someone who respects him, and respects herself. Someone who isn't expecting him to complete her (or fix her life). And isn't going to eventually turn into another drama queen asking for more and more time until I'm edged out of the picture.
And the wash of emotional relief tells me I've been holding my breath WAY more than I'd even realized (and believe me, I've been tied up in knots and not talking about a whole lotta shit because I've had to walk on eggshells around him lately).
It's okay. WE are okay (I was really really starting to worry we were starting down the inevitable slide towards the end, like all my previous relationships). In fact, we are BETTER THAN okay.
And it's not me. *cries*
I feel a whole lot better now.
The mate's girlfriend (okay, they aren't using that word yet, but admit they've progressed beyond just a casual FWB thing, they just don't have a preferred word for where they are yet, and it's the best I can come up with) ended up in the hospital - in Ohio, she was spending the holidays with her family - this weekend, which he found out as she texted him the same time he was texting her to see if she was ready for their scheduled call while I was at work on Saturday night. All I know at this moment is she came back from her morning run and couldn't recover, was dizzy and short of breath and it wouldn't go away, so her family shipped her to the ER. (Side note - they are having their phone call as I type this, her having been released yesterday and slept like 12 hours after she got home - no surprise, it's not like we let you SLEEP in the hospital, one of my major pet peeves as a nurse, people need their sleep, why am I waking them up at 0300 for a preventative heparin shot?!? - so I suspect I'll know more soon).
I know him well enough to know that at least some part of him wanted to drop everything and drive up and check on her. (Having been there when Barney was sitting on his chest and he ended up in the hospital overnight with pericarditis, I totally get it.) Any of the people he's dated previously (admittedly not a long list, thanks to the depression that had him underwater for 6-7 years, but still) would have done the "damsel in distress thing" and would have either been passive aggressive and made him feel guilty if he *hadn't* come up, or would have pressured him to do so. I was kind of waiting for it (or expecting him to be especially prickly because this was going on behind the scenes and he wasn't telling me about it).
What actually happened? She texted to advise him she couldn't call because she was at the ER, and didn't know if she'd have the time for their usual lengthy check in. She texted to let him know she was being released. And apparently she texted him this morning before we went to bed to apologize for radio silence after she got home, but she fell over and slept 12 hours, and maybe tonight? SO, she kept him in the loop (he didn't find out on Facebook or something, which happened a LOT with the local girl he'd asked out a few times, he's figured out that isn't going anywhere but friendship, which is good 'cause that shit wouldn't have continued anyway, don't treat my mate as an afterthought), but handled things and didn't need him to come up and "rescue" her and hold her hand.
Which is no less than I should have expected really, because as he has described things, while there is emotional attachment in that they CARE, they are independent people who have lives elsewhere and have no driving need to change that (she is a successful college professor, owns her own home, has a life she's built that is pretty happy where she is...but sex is nice and she hasn't dated anyone in a long time, they have similar things they want to explore, and have known each other for years so why not?).
See, here's the thing. I have a LONG history of dealing with "cow-girls" - women who either feign being bisexual to get to my partner through me, and then try to cut me out of the picture, or who feign polyamory to do the same thing. Not just with the mate, since the beginning of my polyamory really, so nigh on 25 years now. I EXPECT drama. I do NOT expect other people to act like grown ups. So, if I am being honest, I've been waiting for the other shoe to drop and (especially with the increased level of intimacy between them now) for drama to kick in. The fact that the mate has been prickly and overly defensive the past few months fueled that belief (that there was more going on behind the scenes he wasn't telling me).
Nope.
I've come to two major "apostrophes" in the past 24 hours (okay, the past hour or so, 'cause it was kind of a sudden sock upside the head a little while ago).
1) In coming out of a major 6-7 years long depression, the mate is not only coming out of his shell to interract and date again. He is coming out from behind the wall he built around himself and letting himself FEEL again. Period. He walled himself in so he wouldn't feel the pain of his grandmother's death (because it hit him in the very core of his being) and the other blows the universe hit him with that year (the girlfriend breaking up with him was such a minor piece of that, but it was in there too), and in coming out from the fortress he is learning how to navigate feelings again, both good AND bad. So OF COURSE he would be prickly and defensive - he is raw and bleeding, and trying to figure out how to feel pain without ducking behind the wall again. IT'S NOT ME. The fact that we've come as close to more actual fights than we ever have in our entire 10 years together since he started dating again is completely circumstantial, and a product of him being raw and navigating through those emotions, NOT because there is anything wrong between US. I have been taking it personally because, well, I fix things, and have felt like I had to fix this. Thus, fixing it became my responsibility, which my heart translated into it was my fault he was being prickly and defensive in the first place (okay, maybe not my FAULT, but related to my not having always handled the whole "being left behind" thing especially well, which is all intertwined in my OWN lack of self-confidence and how menopause has made my body the enemy again and feeling like a broken toy somebody tossed in the closet because they bought a shiny new replacement that works like it's supposed to).
That is a HUGE revalation that I may have to sit with for a minute and wrap my brain around. But it explains SO MUCH.
And 2) he really is dating a grown up this time. Someone who respects him, and respects herself. Someone who isn't expecting him to complete her (or fix her life). And isn't going to eventually turn into another drama queen asking for more and more time until I'm edged out of the picture.
And the wash of emotional relief tells me I've been holding my breath WAY more than I'd even realized (and believe me, I've been tied up in knots and not talking about a whole lotta shit because I've had to walk on eggshells around him lately).
It's okay. WE are okay (I was really really starting to worry we were starting down the inevitable slide towards the end, like all my previous relationships). In fact, we are BETTER THAN okay.
And it's not me. *cries*
I feel a whole lot better now.