(GT) As 2016 comes to a close...
A lot of great things happened this year.
I passed the NCLEX and started working as an RN (and got a fabulous job working at U.C. Medical Center, where I can totally see myself retiring from someday - assuming I can ever retire - barring moving to the other side of the country). This also means our income went up several orders of magnitude (which is a damn good thing considering).
My kid got married, with me performing the ceremony (which my mom's best friend has stated numerous times has spoiled her for "regular weddings" forever), and the mate performing the legal bit a few months later.
The mate got past the debilitating depression he's been dealing with ever since his grandmother died in 2009.
The mate got a girlfriend. (Not that they are using that word yet - still - but having nailed "you have progressed well beyond friend-with-benefits with no emotional investment, come on..." well before he had admitted it to himself, I'm calling it. Because I'm neither blind nor stupid.
Of course, the not-so-great is intermingled with some of that. Because the mate lost his job the first week of October, and for all of his bluster regarding lawsuits and putting people in jail, he's spent the last 2 months playing with his Xbox (and now XBox One, which was "our Yule present to each other" uh huh). He has been saying he was going to try driving for Uber and Lyft. Admittedly, having gotten a Note 7 when we finally got a real phone plan again this summer, having go to through 3 phones before he was done put a crimp in that. And I totally understand and agree that until he had a stable phone he couldn't really get started. But he got his final permanent (until we upgrade eventually I suppose) phone over a month ago. Our friend Tony drives for both Uber and Lyft, and has given him plenty of information and advice on how to proceed. We even talked about it once we got back from our trip to the NEO in November for Con on the Cob - if he hadn't gotten things going by New Years, he was going to start looking for regular work, because the holidays are hugely busy and would be a good time to start. So here we are. New Years Eve. When I brought it up (as gently and carefully as I could) Thursday night, it was "let's get past the holidays." AFTER I smoothed the ruffled feathers that happened the moment I opened my mouth and backpedeled with "Well, it's still wintertime and people don't like waiting for the bus in the cold, so we're still probably okay..."
See, since the mate crawled out of his depression enough to be interested in "picking the whip back up" (he'd been telling me for the last several years his confidence was too shaken to do anything about being a "Dom" so we shelved that part of our relationship, I thought temporarily) and found someone (not me) to do that with, we've been closer to having actual fights than we have in 10 years together. And it really really rattles me. And has done a good bit of damage to my trust levels. It has nothing to do with her, she has been wonderful and has never given me cause to worry about being usurped or replaced in terms of the current relationship. And that isn't the thing with him either, I have no fears of him not coming home from his trips, or that things will change dramatically without me having time to catch up (in fact, I'll probably tell THEM when things change before they've realized it, it's been the pattern so far). But I'm having a tough time with the BDSM thing. WHY is it that I keep ending up with people who have no interest in that with me? He'll say it isn't true, that he thinks about it. But he doesn't SAY anything, doesn't do anything about it. We talked after Sirius Rising (which is where the first real "not a fight, but goddammed close" happened) about slowly easing back into things. Because being in menopause (last period was in December 2014, so I'm 2 years in now) my body has betrayed me again and I am overly sensitive. So what used to work between us is "too much" and he now feels rejected. So, of course (gods this feels far too familiar) I am the one who has to sooth his bruised ego while MY body is the one not working, and until we focus some time on working with where *I* am, we're not going to get anywhere. And why would he spend energy on that when he's got someone he can bring to orgasm multiple times a session and he doesn't have to be "careful" around? And HE would say that isn't fair. And I am over here, having come up with a plan of how to approach date night that could work, but telling him I need not to be the initiator... Yeah. I can count the times he's initiated on one hand. The last time was probably a month ago (I haven't been keeping track, it's too depressing and I'm trying not to wallow). Not that we aren't having sex daily most of the time (only skipping when one or the other of us is just too tired, or sick). It's just...
Well, okay, here is the thing. He is drinking. A lot. And when he has been drinking, he is clumsy. He forgets to work up to my erogenous zones, and goes for them right away, or hits them accidently because he's clumsy. Doesn't matter if it's intentional or accidental, the intense sensation is too much and shuts me down, so I have to maneuver myself in ways I won't have that sensation again (thus his feelings of rejection, I get that). That's been going on for a long time, actually, because he's become convinced he can't sleep without alcohol (and doesn't believe the nurse that alcohol induced passing out and sleep are very different things, and he's not doing himself any favors, and the use of alcohol in this way is probablly making the insomnia worse). SO when I found out he barely drinks when he is with her, and doesn't use his other "recreational pharmaceuticals" at all, because her feeling safe in a BDSM context is important, it kind of broke me. Eventually I worked through it, and suggested that part of the "date night" plan for US should be that on those nights, he won't drink. Apparently alcohol is more important. Though, I will admit, he has toned down on the whiskey (at least, he's trying to), but I don't think he considers beer "real alcohol" and if he's not drinking whiskey (when he will only have 3 or 4 beers), he is going through an entire six pack a night.
So, we've gone from me trying to talk about things and him getting super super defensive (interupting me and assuming what I'm going to say before I say it, and being down right nasty, rolling his eyes, blowing me off). I am having to tiptoe on eggshells around every serious topic in our lives right now (which, again, feels way too familiar). I can only bring things up by saying one thing very gently, and then propping up his ego for the next 20 minutes by telling him all the ways I know I am probably wrong, and it's not that big a deal, until he stops attacking so we can have a productive discussion. About one tiny aspect of things. Which is fucking exhausting, and we will never get through it all. So I spend all my time "understanding his position" and rarely feel heard in mine.
And here is mine - I will not, ever, live as somebody's walking paycheck again. Thus, I WILL NOT be the one to fund his dating someone else, and everything else as well while he goes off and plays without me. Not happening. I have drawn a line in the sand, and I'm not crossing it. I don't think he realizes quite how serious I am, but there is a very specific line. What complicates it a little is his aunt, in going through his grandmother's house (which is gonna take the rest of said aunt's lifetime, she was a horder and the very type of little old person the QVC networks are designed for), unearthed envelopes with about $4000, which she gave to the grandson. SO, he now has a downpayment for a car. He can use that to get a car that is Uber-worthy (they have rules, they also have a leasing program he could work with), OR he can just buy a second car so he stops taking mine to Virginia and leaving me without transportation (which is, honestly, the worst part of his trips - I've gotten used to sleeping alone, and actually kind of look forward to having the place to myself for a day or so, especially since he's not working and is omnipresent right now, so I feel like I am inconveniencing him when I want to watch MY shows he's not interested in, BUT not having wheels...considering my schedule and the fact public transportation only runs so late, and while I love my girlfriend and she'll drive me wherever I need to go, sometimes I don't really feel like being The Aspie Whisperer...sometimes I just don't have the energy...I need my car.) So one way or another (and we talked about this on Thursday, and again last night), he will have a car before he takes his next trip (which isn't set yet, but will probably be mid January, that's the usual time frame). So he's got 2 weeks to decide what he is doing and get it done already.
Of course, his other option would be to just gradually use that $4000 (which is now sitting at about $3500, actually) to fund his trips, and not worry about a car. In which case, he'll be using it up faster than I suspect he is expecting, because it will be going to Greyhound. My car is not driving to Virginia in 2017 unless I am in it (which will hopefully be happening in April anyway, OTR is playing near where she lives on April 7 & 8th, and we'd been talking about taking a trip to the DC area in the spring so I can finally meet her, so that works out well). The fact of the matter is, I was supporting us both on my income before I went to school - the only reason he had to go back to work was because I couldn't work full time anymore (and THAT was a struggle, fueled a lot of his depression, and only happened because I got him a job with the company that did laundry and housekeeping where *I* worked, and I don't work there anymore). And my income has increased to the point that if I work one or two extra shifts per pay period, I can bring home slightly more than I was making when I left the Evil Empire. I could totally support us again and he could just be a "house husband" (though I think we need to have a sit down and discuss what that actually means, just doing the laundry and vacuuming the living room from time to time helped me through school, but isn't sufficient "help" if it's the forever arraingement). But back then, he had no life outside of the house. I do not feel comfortable working myself to death (and 12 hour shifts are HARD) so he can go off and play with someone else once a month while I stay home alone. Especially since *I* am the one who likes to travel. The fact he got over his depression so he could leave me behind does NOT sit well with me. Okay, it fucking hurts.
And I don't know how to navigate this. Because in my previous relationships, when we start going off doing our own thing...it's the death knell. It means things are over and we're just putting off the inevitable. I do NOT WANT THAT. I mean, I could totally live by myself and be fine now (doubt that would have worked 10 years ago, but I'm not the same person I was 10 years ago either). But I don't WANT to. And I don't know how to be okay with doing our own thing, and still being together, and hot having it hurt.
"Enjoy what is" is hard when you have a "what was" to compare it to, and when you feel like there must be something fundamentally wrong with you if you have this interest in BDSM (and need...frankly...I NEED sub time, so I have a break from keeping the entire universe running), and nobody ever wants you that way. And will do what you want to everyfuckingbody else but you.
I've done it before. I didn't expect to be facing it again.
So, either I find what I need with someone else (the thought of which immediately elicits internal screaming in my head, I don't wanna, it was supposed to be HIM, and he is the person I want to want me that way - yes, we are poly and finding someone else doesn't mean ending things, but still...it's Him I wanted this with and I am resisting the idea, and gods...dating feels like so much work, I'm too busy with my job and grandbaby, the kids, and just LIFE to want to put forth the effort anywhere else), or I give up and get better at masturbating (because I have had trouble getting MYSELF off lately with the hormones being a bitch, though it's getting a little better...hard to get off when the very act of masturbation has become depressing). OR, I wrap my head around the concept of the status quo not being a bad thing, accept my position as it stands (and being "home" to each other is still important, and beautiful), and either just not think about it, or keep working on gradually building that back with him. Which I can't do alone, and I definitely can't do if we can't even TALK without him getting defensive and me feeling emotionally bulldozed.
So this is where I sit on this NYE. Wondering where 2017 is going to take us, and being terrified it won't be together.
But I don't know how to write a different end to this story.