Hello Darkness My Old Friend (GT)
Well, it's been seven months now (gee, look at that, next time we have another "not an argument" I can just go to my Livejournal for proof of timing, since I apparently didn't write it on the calendar).
Some days are better than others.
Some weekend trips are better than others.
This past one went pretty well, all things considered. I was actually looking forward to having the apartment to myself. Now that the mate is unemployed again (there's a long story I don't feel the need to go into, it is what it is), I don't get nights where I can watch what I want and do what I want on the computer without worrying about being in somebody's way anymore (not that he hovers like the ex, he doesn't, but those tapes run deep and, well, I tend to give things over - like if I'm not watching anything I'll just turn the TV off, but he needs a constant state of "background noise", since it's more important to him I just let it go, but there are times when I'm doing homework where it's disruptive...and I don't like having to ask, so I've learned to enjoy those moments when I don't have to. Not a huge deal, really, just an example). So anyway, I worked Friday night so I got a ride to work from my girlfriend (my asexual girlfriend who is more like a sister really, but that's a journal for another time), had the grandbaby Saturday after I got off work. Had my sleep schedule not gotten off track it'd have been fine, but as things turned out I got up Friday morning at about 8:30 am. Which was good because I was able to get a bunch of things accomplished before the mate took the car for the weekend, but not so great because by the time I got home from work I'd already been up 24 hours, and had to stay up to take care of Gavin until the kids came to get him at 1:30 pm. At which time, I should have just been able to fall over. But I needed a little "detox time"...which turned into watching stupid TV and music videos until 5pm, when I finally went to bed and dropped immediately into sleep. In retrospect, that may very well have been my subconscious helping me avoid 2 nights of going to bed without him (because it was only one sleep...I slept 13 hours after that, waking up early on Sunday when he wad due to come home anyway). It certainly wasn't a conscious decision. *shrug*
I did, however, make one huge tactical error, though. I looked at his "whatever she is" (he finally admitted to me, which was more admitting it to himself really, that it's moved from "we're just doing this for fun while it lasts" to being important enough that when I brought up the very real financial question of how he/we were going to continue to pay for monthly trips with him being unemployed he threatened - and it was distinctly stated like a threat - to give plasma if that's what it took to keep making his monthy/at-least-every-six-weeks trip, which means we've moved past FWB into some uncharted territory they still don't have a word for) Fetlife page. He'd commented last week how fun it's been to see her fetish list grow as they've explored things, and I got curious. GODS I should know better. I really should. I don't ask for details of their sexy-time for REASONS - very specifically because the whole "he is doing things with other people he won't/can't do with me" is an issue for me, and has been since the ex. Which he knows. Thus we keep that stuff private, otherwise my brain hamsters will have a field day.
And now, at o-dark-thirty, the morning after he comes home (and we had a lovely homecoming, I made a turkey in my new roaster, the "welcome home sex" was lovely, sleeping next to him was even better), my brain hamsters are having a field day.
Because he didn't want that with me.
See, when the depression hit after the break up and his grandmother dying, especially being unemployed, his self-confidence took such a huge hit he just couldn't be a Dom anymore. We had that conversation specifically, he told me that as much as he is "handle side of the whip only" he just didn't feel confident enough to do anything about it just then, needed a break, needed to heal. So everything kink stopped with us. He reassured me any number of times it wasn't me, it was baggage he was working through. So I dropped it. Never brought it up, because I didn't want him to feel pressured. I spent 6 1/2 years being as supportive and loving as I could, handling all the grown up stuff because it's just what I do. Even to the point I fell into old bad habits (specifically keeping all the financial stuff to myself so I wouldn't stress him out, while I juggled bills and prayed nothing would fall through the cracks, and not telling him how I'm juggling things until one of the balls drops - happily now that I'm making more money the balls stay in the air better, and I've come clean about the financial finageling I've been doing...of course, we'd JUST gotten on top of things when his job went away, and things are a little scary right now...but I digress). Basically, I handled everything and gave him space to deal with his depression. After a while, there was a dynamic shift, at least in my head. Those moments when he seemed to maybe be a little Dom-my in the bedroom, I couldn't get myself into the headspace of submissive. I couldn't just turn it off. If he wanted control back (even temporarily, which is a good bit of the draw to being a submissive for me, giving up being the grown up in control of the universe for a little while), he was going to have to DO something about it. Or at least TALK to me about it so we could work back up to it, because for me the entire dynamic had changed. But that conversation never happened. What apparently DID happen is he'd try and felt rejected when I didn't respond the way I used to, but never said anything. And goddammit, I can't read his mind. And I can't simultaneously bring it up (myself, again) and still be supportive and allow him to work things out in his own time. I was waiting for him. Because I told him I'd wait for him.
But instead of letting me know he was interested in exploring again, talking to me and maybe working through stuff...he found someone else.
I mean, they made contact on Fetlife 2 years ago. All that time he was coming out of his shell, starting to explore again, getting his groove back, he never ONCE approached me about anything. Never talked to me about it. Even when they started talking on Fetlife about kinky interests and maybe meeting up to explore those, he never ONCE said anything about being interested in rebuilding kink with me. Not once.
And now... I've had a few bad reactions to things. Like going to camp and feeling like he just kept leaving me behind (and a huge part of my struggle here is exactly that, the feeling of being left behind, like he's refound himself and is ready to go on adventures, but not with me, I just have to stay home and work to keep us afloat and do the adulting, which feels far too much like the "walking paycheck" I was for the ex and triggers a whole lot of anxiety in me). And we're now in that tricky space where I'm afraid to talk about how I'm feeling because now HE is having bad reactions (he apologizes, but it doesn't change the fact that he snaps at me, stops listening and rolls his eyes, jumps down my throat before I've had a chance to finish what I was saying and assumes instead, and then apologizes for jumping to conclusions when I finally get the whole thought out). And we go from me asking "can we talk" and trying to bring up an issue so we can address it in the open to me having to fix it for him because I've upset him and "I just screw everything up" so I have to tell him that isn't true and make him feel better...and we never actually address what I needed to talk about, or by the time we do things are so emotionally charged he just wants to stop talking). In the past 7 months we've come closer to having real fights than we ever have in our entire 10 years together. And that scares the shit out of me.
What we've concluded (at least during the last conversation, once we got past some pretty ugly accusations) is that I am in a "hierarchical polyamory" headspace (where there are expectations surrounding the "primary relationship") and what I need to do is wrap my brain around relationship anarchy, which is more where the mate lives. In MY head, that translates to "Fine, do whatever you want, you're going to anyway, but at least this way you aren't breaking any agreements because we don't have any. I won't have any expectations, and just be grateful for whatever crumbs you throw my way." - which sounds like how both of my marriages ended, and terrifies the shit out of me. That is NOT the spirit of RA, it's much more mutual than that. I totally know better. But in MY current headspace around it all, I'm just destined to be alone watching from the outside while everybody else has their fun, because nobody wants me that way anyway. Again. I'm just the earth-mother-caretaker-grandmotherly asexual crone that nobody in their right mind would find sexually attractive. (Yes, I know these are hamsters...I mean for gods' sakes, we still put the 20-somethings in the family to shame with how much more sex we have, we are still in the "if we skip a day we get cranky" space...but there is some switch in my head that equates desireability with kink, with someone wanting to take control, and without that the hamsters tell me I'm just convenient). And having written that out, it already sounds terribly unfair. He really does do everything he can to let me know he loves me, actively, not just because he's stuck with me or I'm convenient. He really does. But then I see him doing things with other people he used to do with me, that he KNOWS I want to do again...but working through that is apparently too hard.
He will say I'm not being fair. I'm probably not (frankly all I really want to do is curl up in the fetal position under a blanket and never come out again right now, so I know rationality has flown the coop). But the FACT is, since we had the "Can we please start having date nights and maybe take some baby steps toward me getting my groove back because menopause has done a number on me and 8 times out of 10 I can't even get myself off masturbating these days, so it's not you, really...but maybe we can try some lube and start working back up to things?" it's happened three times. We had that conversation in July or August (after we came back from Sirius Rising, which is where the first "not an arguments" started happening). And that's just sex and orgasm, the IDEA was to start working on that, which would hopefully help trigger my desire again, and maybe we could start incorporating kink again. It is a process, and I thought we'd be farther along by now. Three times he's broken out the lube (and the last time, I even had to remind him, after we'd already started trying to get me off and it wasn't working). At least two of those times were his idea, so that's a good thing. Three times he's thought of it (or at least told me, he swears he thinks about it all the time, but never does anything about it.)
And if he ever sees this post, even that will stop. I know it. Because he'll feel judged and put on the spot, so everything will stop.
Again.
Just like before.
Meanwhile, we are going to Con on the Cob next weekend.
I am terrified. Because there are two people who have expressed interest in me in the past who will be there, who are both stating they are looking very forward to spending some time with me.
I'm terrified of it happening, and my body not working.
I'm even more terrified it WON'T happen at all, and the hamsters will be right (I'm just washed up and old, and should delete my Fetlife and get over it).
And even though this is our first trip together since camp, and he's touted it as "our trip" to offset all of his trips without me (and goddammit, I'm the one who likes to travel, and it NEVER occurred to me to travel without HIM, even when I had people sniffing up my skirts 6 years ago, before he got depressed and I started school and we circled the wagons and stopped going to events, and everybody forgot about us), he has stated several times that he can't wait until it's over. Because family. *sighs* I asked him if we could maybe take a FUN trip sometime soon (which is what I THOUGHT this was supposed to be, but apparently not) with no family obligations so that maybe he can look FORWARD to a trip with me, not just his trips to see her (which is also hamsters, he says he IS looking forward to the trip with me, just not the family obligatons bit). But gods...I am so anxious about how this is going to go, I almost don't even want to go now. I mean, I'm not the gamer, I do gamer cons for him. If he just wants to get it over with, why are we even doing this?
And having written this out, I realize I can't even post it anywhere. Not even to my "girltalk" filter (which is what I'd planned when I started this). Because respect is a thing.
Gods I wish I had somebody to talk to.
Anybody.
Somebody make this hamster wheel stop. Please?
*tears*
Some days are better than others.
Some weekend trips are better than others.
This past one went pretty well, all things considered. I was actually looking forward to having the apartment to myself. Now that the mate is unemployed again (there's a long story I don't feel the need to go into, it is what it is), I don't get nights where I can watch what I want and do what I want on the computer without worrying about being in somebody's way anymore (not that he hovers like the ex, he doesn't, but those tapes run deep and, well, I tend to give things over - like if I'm not watching anything I'll just turn the TV off, but he needs a constant state of "background noise", since it's more important to him I just let it go, but there are times when I'm doing homework where it's disruptive...and I don't like having to ask, so I've learned to enjoy those moments when I don't have to. Not a huge deal, really, just an example). So anyway, I worked Friday night so I got a ride to work from my girlfriend (my asexual girlfriend who is more like a sister really, but that's a journal for another time), had the grandbaby Saturday after I got off work. Had my sleep schedule not gotten off track it'd have been fine, but as things turned out I got up Friday morning at about 8:30 am. Which was good because I was able to get a bunch of things accomplished before the mate took the car for the weekend, but not so great because by the time I got home from work I'd already been up 24 hours, and had to stay up to take care of Gavin until the kids came to get him at 1:30 pm. At which time, I should have just been able to fall over. But I needed a little "detox time"...which turned into watching stupid TV and music videos until 5pm, when I finally went to bed and dropped immediately into sleep. In retrospect, that may very well have been my subconscious helping me avoid 2 nights of going to bed without him (because it was only one sleep...I slept 13 hours after that, waking up early on Sunday when he wad due to come home anyway). It certainly wasn't a conscious decision. *shrug*
I did, however, make one huge tactical error, though. I looked at his "whatever she is" (he finally admitted to me, which was more admitting it to himself really, that it's moved from "we're just doing this for fun while it lasts" to being important enough that when I brought up the very real financial question of how he/we were going to continue to pay for monthly trips with him being unemployed he threatened - and it was distinctly stated like a threat - to give plasma if that's what it took to keep making his monthy/at-least-every-six-weeks trip, which means we've moved past FWB into some uncharted territory they still don't have a word for) Fetlife page. He'd commented last week how fun it's been to see her fetish list grow as they've explored things, and I got curious. GODS I should know better. I really should. I don't ask for details of their sexy-time for REASONS - very specifically because the whole "he is doing things with other people he won't/can't do with me" is an issue for me, and has been since the ex. Which he knows. Thus we keep that stuff private, otherwise my brain hamsters will have a field day.
And now, at o-dark-thirty, the morning after he comes home (and we had a lovely homecoming, I made a turkey in my new roaster, the "welcome home sex" was lovely, sleeping next to him was even better), my brain hamsters are having a field day.
Because he didn't want that with me.
See, when the depression hit after the break up and his grandmother dying, especially being unemployed, his self-confidence took such a huge hit he just couldn't be a Dom anymore. We had that conversation specifically, he told me that as much as he is "handle side of the whip only" he just didn't feel confident enough to do anything about it just then, needed a break, needed to heal. So everything kink stopped with us. He reassured me any number of times it wasn't me, it was baggage he was working through. So I dropped it. Never brought it up, because I didn't want him to feel pressured. I spent 6 1/2 years being as supportive and loving as I could, handling all the grown up stuff because it's just what I do. Even to the point I fell into old bad habits (specifically keeping all the financial stuff to myself so I wouldn't stress him out, while I juggled bills and prayed nothing would fall through the cracks, and not telling him how I'm juggling things until one of the balls drops - happily now that I'm making more money the balls stay in the air better, and I've come clean about the financial finageling I've been doing...of course, we'd JUST gotten on top of things when his job went away, and things are a little scary right now...but I digress). Basically, I handled everything and gave him space to deal with his depression. After a while, there was a dynamic shift, at least in my head. Those moments when he seemed to maybe be a little Dom-my in the bedroom, I couldn't get myself into the headspace of submissive. I couldn't just turn it off. If he wanted control back (even temporarily, which is a good bit of the draw to being a submissive for me, giving up being the grown up in control of the universe for a little while), he was going to have to DO something about it. Or at least TALK to me about it so we could work back up to it, because for me the entire dynamic had changed. But that conversation never happened. What apparently DID happen is he'd try and felt rejected when I didn't respond the way I used to, but never said anything. And goddammit, I can't read his mind. And I can't simultaneously bring it up (myself, again) and still be supportive and allow him to work things out in his own time. I was waiting for him. Because I told him I'd wait for him.
But instead of letting me know he was interested in exploring again, talking to me and maybe working through stuff...he found someone else.
I mean, they made contact on Fetlife 2 years ago. All that time he was coming out of his shell, starting to explore again, getting his groove back, he never ONCE approached me about anything. Never talked to me about it. Even when they started talking on Fetlife about kinky interests and maybe meeting up to explore those, he never ONCE said anything about being interested in rebuilding kink with me. Not once.
And now... I've had a few bad reactions to things. Like going to camp and feeling like he just kept leaving me behind (and a huge part of my struggle here is exactly that, the feeling of being left behind, like he's refound himself and is ready to go on adventures, but not with me, I just have to stay home and work to keep us afloat and do the adulting, which feels far too much like the "walking paycheck" I was for the ex and triggers a whole lot of anxiety in me). And we're now in that tricky space where I'm afraid to talk about how I'm feeling because now HE is having bad reactions (he apologizes, but it doesn't change the fact that he snaps at me, stops listening and rolls his eyes, jumps down my throat before I've had a chance to finish what I was saying and assumes instead, and then apologizes for jumping to conclusions when I finally get the whole thought out). And we go from me asking "can we talk" and trying to bring up an issue so we can address it in the open to me having to fix it for him because I've upset him and "I just screw everything up" so I have to tell him that isn't true and make him feel better...and we never actually address what I needed to talk about, or by the time we do things are so emotionally charged he just wants to stop talking). In the past 7 months we've come closer to having real fights than we ever have in our entire 10 years together. And that scares the shit out of me.
What we've concluded (at least during the last conversation, once we got past some pretty ugly accusations) is that I am in a "hierarchical polyamory" headspace (where there are expectations surrounding the "primary relationship") and what I need to do is wrap my brain around relationship anarchy, which is more where the mate lives. In MY head, that translates to "Fine, do whatever you want, you're going to anyway, but at least this way you aren't breaking any agreements because we don't have any. I won't have any expectations, and just be grateful for whatever crumbs you throw my way." - which sounds like how both of my marriages ended, and terrifies the shit out of me. That is NOT the spirit of RA, it's much more mutual than that. I totally know better. But in MY current headspace around it all, I'm just destined to be alone watching from the outside while everybody else has their fun, because nobody wants me that way anyway. Again. I'm just the earth-mother-caretaker-grandmotherly asexual crone that nobody in their right mind would find sexually attractive. (Yes, I know these are hamsters...I mean for gods' sakes, we still put the 20-somethings in the family to shame with how much more sex we have, we are still in the "if we skip a day we get cranky" space...but there is some switch in my head that equates desireability with kink, with someone wanting to take control, and without that the hamsters tell me I'm just convenient). And having written that out, it already sounds terribly unfair. He really does do everything he can to let me know he loves me, actively, not just because he's stuck with me or I'm convenient. He really does. But then I see him doing things with other people he used to do with me, that he KNOWS I want to do again...but working through that is apparently too hard.
He will say I'm not being fair. I'm probably not (frankly all I really want to do is curl up in the fetal position under a blanket and never come out again right now, so I know rationality has flown the coop). But the FACT is, since we had the "Can we please start having date nights and maybe take some baby steps toward me getting my groove back because menopause has done a number on me and 8 times out of 10 I can't even get myself off masturbating these days, so it's not you, really...but maybe we can try some lube and start working back up to things?" it's happened three times. We had that conversation in July or August (after we came back from Sirius Rising, which is where the first "not an arguments" started happening). And that's just sex and orgasm, the IDEA was to start working on that, which would hopefully help trigger my desire again, and maybe we could start incorporating kink again. It is a process, and I thought we'd be farther along by now. Three times he's broken out the lube (and the last time, I even had to remind him, after we'd already started trying to get me off and it wasn't working). At least two of those times were his idea, so that's a good thing. Three times he's thought of it (or at least told me, he swears he thinks about it all the time, but never does anything about it.)
And if he ever sees this post, even that will stop. I know it. Because he'll feel judged and put on the spot, so everything will stop.
Again.
Just like before.
Meanwhile, we are going to Con on the Cob next weekend.
I am terrified. Because there are two people who have expressed interest in me in the past who will be there, who are both stating they are looking very forward to spending some time with me.
I'm terrified of it happening, and my body not working.
I'm even more terrified it WON'T happen at all, and the hamsters will be right (I'm just washed up and old, and should delete my Fetlife and get over it).
And even though this is our first trip together since camp, and he's touted it as "our trip" to offset all of his trips without me (and goddammit, I'm the one who likes to travel, and it NEVER occurred to me to travel without HIM, even when I had people sniffing up my skirts 6 years ago, before he got depressed and I started school and we circled the wagons and stopped going to events, and everybody forgot about us), he has stated several times that he can't wait until it's over. Because family. *sighs* I asked him if we could maybe take a FUN trip sometime soon (which is what I THOUGHT this was supposed to be, but apparently not) with no family obligations so that maybe he can look FORWARD to a trip with me, not just his trips to see her (which is also hamsters, he says he IS looking forward to the trip with me, just not the family obligatons bit). But gods...I am so anxious about how this is going to go, I almost don't even want to go now. I mean, I'm not the gamer, I do gamer cons for him. If he just wants to get it over with, why are we even doing this?
And having written this out, I realize I can't even post it anywhere. Not even to my "girltalk" filter (which is what I'd planned when I started this). Because respect is a thing.
Gods I wish I had somebody to talk to.
Anybody.
Somebody make this hamster wheel stop. Please?
*tears*