Amazing The Difference Six Years Can Make
Well, technically it's been 6 1/2 years since The Breakup, but there was a good deal of drama that continued between the "September of Doom" 2009 (when the ex-girlfriend's passive-aggressive "Dear Yote" letter was completely overshadowed by the death of his grandmother) until she physically moved back to Columbus in March of 2010 and we started moving on. I've written before about the "depression with a capital D" that enveloped the mate after his grandmother's death, a depression that was only deepened by 10 months of fruitless job hunting when I had to pull back on my work schedule due to school, and wasn't helped by how much he hated his subsequent job (current job, while still not "his thing" at least has the perks of a) people he's grown to care about and b) me working the same place, and being able to see each other and take lunch together on the days we're both there together).
That said, I started noticing little hints that maybe he was finally coming out from under the darkness in recent months, both in his participation in the coven that we've been attending for the past several years (this past year he's made sure to take off for every celebration), and starting to occasionally flirt a little within that circle (where he felt safe), up to actually expressing attraction and a desire to possibly hook up with someone (a desire which unfortunately wasn't reciprocated, and I was really worried that having stuck his neck out he might just crawl back into his shell...a very real possibility the way I know his confidence has suffered over the various set-backs over the past 6 years). Happily, that's not what happened.
What HAPPENED is that he started up a conversation with an old girlfriend from during his Bowling Green days. We've both been friends with her on Facebook for a minute, but they found each other on Fetlife, and that apparently started a whole new conversation. *grins* And as I type this, he is on his way home from the first foray he's made into having other partners in more than 6 years. Which was a little daunting for both of us. On HIS end, he was nervous as a teenager going on a first date (which was fricken' adorable all things considered). And on MY end...well, I've been worried for the past 6 years how I'd handle having him out in the dating world again. I mean, we had some serious drama during those first few years together, largely fueled by the insecurities the ex-girlfriend played on in order to make herself feel better (she's one of those women who see all other women as competition, and in retrospect I've recognized how she kept me off balance and insecure to boost her own confidence). At least, I *hoped* that was the case, and that had things progressed differently, that I really wasn't inherently that insecure and immature about things. (There are posts I re-read now and just cringe...gods how did you all put up with me?)
And, you know what? It's been okay. BETTER than okay, actually. Understand, this is the first time the mate and I have slept in separate cities (in separate beds) since he moved to Cincinnati in August of 2007. EVER. Frankly, this is the first time either of us has taken an overnight trip without the other (and even day-trips, the first time we did THAT without each other was when I went to Columbus to meet Janet Hardy after the Beyond The Love conference in February, just 2 months ago). Of course, with the way the schedule has become such a free-form monster since I passed boards and started working as an RN, I've gotten used to sleeping alone on occasion (just an occupational hazard right now, which will only get worse for a minute when I start working at UC Health on the 25th, since I'll be working days for at least 2 weeks of orientation). But at least I knew he was down the hall, or at work and would be home soon. I wasn't sure how well I'd handle 2 whole days of going to bed without him (and armed myself with Zzquil and benadryl just in case). But other than a slight pang the first night realizing we hadn't thought ahead enough for me to have a "snuggie" (a shirt that smelled like him, or a stuffed animal designated as "proxy"), I was really pretty fine. It was far weirder waking up and realizing he wasn't down the hall playing pinball on his Xbox (current mindless-time-suck-of-preference) and then puttering around getting ready for work with the house quiet (he tends to need the TV or streaming radio or somesuch for background noise all the time, if he's not here I don't turn it on unless I'm actively watching or listening to something). But it wasn't BAD, just...weird. And I was oddly productive last night (I had some tasks open up on the UC Health employee portal I needed to attend to, and the orientation links for the RN to BSN program at UC that I'm starting in May, AND I did a load of laundry to make sure I had scrubs for work tonight).
It's been pretty okay on his end too, at least as I've heard so far. :) I told him when he left that if he had a chance to call I'd love to hear from him, but no obligation (other than leaving me a message that he'd arrived safely at his destination, some 3+ hours east of here). He'd hinted about planning to call when he anticipated I'd be home from work (I trained on 3-11pm the last 2 days), but I was very clear that if he didn't get a chance, no worries. (There's backstory there from a time when he had a date with a crush while we were in the NEO and still had the "daily 4am phone call" tradition in place from when we first met...when he missed that call I was pretty messed up...so that was one of the things I was hoping to chalk up to my instability back then, and not that I just suck at polyamory.) As it happened, he called the first night before I actually got home and I was a little sad I'd missed him but happy he'd called...and then he called AGAIN right before I headed to bed around 3am. And last night I was home in time to get his call around midnight. The fact that it was important to HIM, and not just an obligation I'd set on him to call...yeah, that felt really good.
He just walked in the door (YAY! Oh that was a lovely long hug hello!) to find I'd made him Sauerkraut Balls and perogies (two of his mostest favoritest foods) to celebrate his return.
I think maybe we've grown up enough to be better at this now.
Happy Poly Moment? And then some.
That said, I started noticing little hints that maybe he was finally coming out from under the darkness in recent months, both in his participation in the coven that we've been attending for the past several years (this past year he's made sure to take off for every celebration), and starting to occasionally flirt a little within that circle (where he felt safe), up to actually expressing attraction and a desire to possibly hook up with someone (a desire which unfortunately wasn't reciprocated, and I was really worried that having stuck his neck out he might just crawl back into his shell...a very real possibility the way I know his confidence has suffered over the various set-backs over the past 6 years). Happily, that's not what happened.
What HAPPENED is that he started up a conversation with an old girlfriend from during his Bowling Green days. We've both been friends with her on Facebook for a minute, but they found each other on Fetlife, and that apparently started a whole new conversation. *grins* And as I type this, he is on his way home from the first foray he's made into having other partners in more than 6 years. Which was a little daunting for both of us. On HIS end, he was nervous as a teenager going on a first date (which was fricken' adorable all things considered). And on MY end...well, I've been worried for the past 6 years how I'd handle having him out in the dating world again. I mean, we had some serious drama during those first few years together, largely fueled by the insecurities the ex-girlfriend played on in order to make herself feel better (she's one of those women who see all other women as competition, and in retrospect I've recognized how she kept me off balance and insecure to boost her own confidence). At least, I *hoped* that was the case, and that had things progressed differently, that I really wasn't inherently that insecure and immature about things. (There are posts I re-read now and just cringe...gods how did you all put up with me?)
And, you know what? It's been okay. BETTER than okay, actually. Understand, this is the first time the mate and I have slept in separate cities (in separate beds) since he moved to Cincinnati in August of 2007. EVER. Frankly, this is the first time either of us has taken an overnight trip without the other (and even day-trips, the first time we did THAT without each other was when I went to Columbus to meet Janet Hardy after the Beyond The Love conference in February, just 2 months ago). Of course, with the way the schedule has become such a free-form monster since I passed boards and started working as an RN, I've gotten used to sleeping alone on occasion (just an occupational hazard right now, which will only get worse for a minute when I start working at UC Health on the 25th, since I'll be working days for at least 2 weeks of orientation). But at least I knew he was down the hall, or at work and would be home soon. I wasn't sure how well I'd handle 2 whole days of going to bed without him (and armed myself with Zzquil and benadryl just in case). But other than a slight pang the first night realizing we hadn't thought ahead enough for me to have a "snuggie" (a shirt that smelled like him, or a stuffed animal designated as "proxy"), I was really pretty fine. It was far weirder waking up and realizing he wasn't down the hall playing pinball on his Xbox (current mindless-time-suck-of-preference) and then puttering around getting ready for work with the house quiet (he tends to need the TV or streaming radio or somesuch for background noise all the time, if he's not here I don't turn it on unless I'm actively watching or listening to something). But it wasn't BAD, just...weird. And I was oddly productive last night (I had some tasks open up on the UC Health employee portal I needed to attend to, and the orientation links for the RN to BSN program at UC that I'm starting in May, AND I did a load of laundry to make sure I had scrubs for work tonight).
It's been pretty okay on his end too, at least as I've heard so far. :) I told him when he left that if he had a chance to call I'd love to hear from him, but no obligation (other than leaving me a message that he'd arrived safely at his destination, some 3+ hours east of here). He'd hinted about planning to call when he anticipated I'd be home from work (I trained on 3-11pm the last 2 days), but I was very clear that if he didn't get a chance, no worries. (There's backstory there from a time when he had a date with a crush while we were in the NEO and still had the "daily 4am phone call" tradition in place from when we first met...when he missed that call I was pretty messed up...so that was one of the things I was hoping to chalk up to my instability back then, and not that I just suck at polyamory.) As it happened, he called the first night before I actually got home and I was a little sad I'd missed him but happy he'd called...and then he called AGAIN right before I headed to bed around 3am. And last night I was home in time to get his call around midnight. The fact that it was important to HIM, and not just an obligation I'd set on him to call...yeah, that felt really good.
He just walked in the door (YAY! Oh that was a lovely long hug hello!) to find I'd made him Sauerkraut Balls and perogies (two of his mostest favoritest foods) to celebrate his return.
I think maybe we've grown up enough to be better at this now.
Happy Poly Moment? And then some.