About Passive-Aggressive Behavior and Emotional Blackmail
I'm re-posting this with permission, from one of the "poly boards" I'm on. It was written by a poster who goes by the name of "FoxMourn". Some of it is a little repetitive, but it's all good stuff. Certainly food for thought.
Something to keep in mind - we ALL exhibit these traits from time to time. As I read through this, I could see myself in some of the behaviors listed. I think, though that FoxMourn's comment back to me is key there: I like how Euphrates put it "We all have our moments." The important thing is that they are only moments, not ingrained habits/choices/actions. When dealing with a passive-aggressive, people can find themselves getting sucked into the passive-aggressive behavior themselves.
They can even use that as a tool to further their projection as the victim being the passive-aggressive - if the passive-aggressive says to the victim, "you are being passive-aggressive", the victim will believe it. If the victim says, "you are being passive-aggressive" to the passive-aggressive, they will deny it, excuse it, blame it on the victim, lie about it, etc. And as you are discovering, Euphrates, that deprogramming takes time. Your ability to say "hold up, that's not right" is a good sign!
Here is some information I have accumulated that I think will help many of you. Quite a few here probably already know a lot of it, but I found that having it all laid out in front of me was very useful. I got all of this from various books and websites that I have read. I think that there are too many people out there that are subjected to this kind of behavior, and they feel trapped and guilty and uncertain and afraid.
I have seen “passive-aggressive” being used in several threads, but I didn’t want to put this info in only one, and certainly not in all of them, so I am putting it here for everyone. After reading this, some of you will think about past relationships, and experience “the light bulb effect” - you will think, “Oh, wow, so THAT is what was so messed up about that relationship - thank goodness I got out when I did!”.
Some of you will recognize these traits in current relationships. Anyone here who will ever begin another relationship can learn to recognize these traits early on and deal with them before they become debilitating. This is especially important when it comes to poly relationships, because so many others can be affected by one person’s passive-aggressive behavior.
There are certain character traits and techniques which are common to passive-aggressive people. Having the ability to recognize those traits is the first step in building an immunity to them. They are in no particular order. Passive-aggressives will use any or all of these to achieve their goals. The more passive-aggressive they are, the more tools they will use to keep their victims off balance.
1. Passive-aggressives feel the need to look good to the “outside world”. Often, instead of thinking positively about their self because of something from within, they look to others. If they believe that others think highly of them, they can think highly of themselves. Since we generally want to think highly of ourselves, people who think this way will surround themselves with people who think highly of them. Reaction formation is the process by which someone makes themselves "look good" to others, creating a false self so others will think well of them and give positive attention.
2. They will distort the truth to perpetuate their false image. They will say and do things to give the perception that they are worthy of praise, even if it is misleading in some way. They tell people what they want them to know, so that they will be told by those people what they want to hear.
3. They distance themselves from anyone who doesn't support them. If friends become aware of "both sides of the story" in the passive-aggressive's relationship(s), the passive-aggressive will either turn away from those friends or turn against them, treating them in the same way that they do their other victims, thereby showing their “true colors”. They will only risk this if they know that they can get away with it and avoid further damage to their false image with others, so their first choice is to withdraw.
4. One of the biggest tools used is emotional blackmail, which is a form of manipulation in which someone threatens to punish their victim (directly or indirectly) for not doing what they want. They do this through FOG - fear, obligation, and guilt. Victims are afraid to cross the blackmailer and/or afraid to leave, feel obligated to give them their way, and feel guilty if they don’t. If one form of emotional blackmail becomes less effective, the passive-aggressive will switch to another. In this way, the victim is almost always caught off guard. Many of the traits listed here are forms of emotional blackmail.
5. Passive-aggressives will specifically target people who are vulnerable to their machinations. For example, if they see someone who is fulfilled by being a rescuer, they will play the victim. They ensnare the victim by that person’s own sense of helpfulness, loyalty, and duty. If the potential victim is someone that needs rescuing, they are also in danger, for the passive-aggressive will play the rescuer. Often, these victims simply wind up moving from one passive-aggressive personality to another, never seeing that they are attracting the wrong kind of person.
6. They use the “your special” syndrome. They shower the victim with praise and endearments.
7. Emotional hooking is the process by which they try to get the victim emotionally attached as quickly as possible. This can be accomplished with a tragic story from childhood, a previous relationship gone wrong, etc. Longer term techniques can involve having children with them, forming a business together, and becoming socially involved as a couple (or triad, etc.) specifically with other couples.
8. They find out the victim’s worst fears, and they prey on that. Common fears include abandonment, taking financial lifestyle away, and taking the kids. They will find out these fears at the beginning of the relationship, under the guise of trying to empathize and open up to the victim. They share something as a part of emotional hooking to draw out fears in the victim so that they can use it later.
9. They quickly push for commitment from the victim. They want to cement the relationship as fast as possible, before the victim has time to examine any red flags. The more the victim trusts them, the easier this is to accomplish. They portray it as a “fairy take romance”.
10. They often talk badly of their ex relationships. This can be part of emotional hooking, but a wise person will realize that if they begin a relationship with that person, that is exactly how the passive-aggressive will be talking about them to the next victim when the relationship ends.
11. They will continue to play the rescuer or the victim as long as no real sacrifices are required on their part. As soon as they meet resistance, they turn to emotional blackmail, all the while keeping up their false public image.
12. They repeatedly break the rules that have been established, but they always feel justified in doing so. They are hurt that the victim does not “see it their way”.
13. The world runs on their schedule. It is all about their work schedule, their time, their needs, their emotions, their pace.
14. They have an entitlement mentality. They feel entitled to everything. It is all about them and their wants and needs. If they don’t get what they want/need, they resort to emotional blackmail.
15. They will use extortion in the forms of threats, violence, and/or misuse of authority. They will threaten to leave, take the kids, etc. to get what they want.
16. They will bring up outside family interests, such as “your mother is so happy that we are still married, look how devastated she was when your sister got a divorce” or, for poly, “we are proving to friends and family that our lifestyle works, and if we split up, you will only prove them right”.
17. Self-aggrandizement is a continual game. They present themselves as the “ideal” lover/friend/co-worker/etc. They do everything they can to convince others that they are the “good guy/gal” in the relationship. This includes “looking bad” when necessary - unhappy, hurt, emotionally distraught, etc. as a sympathy ploy.
18. They are controlling, controlling, controlling. A very good passive-aggressive has the ability to control while making it seem to the victim as if the victim is the one in control. If the passive-aggressive can’t do this, then emotional blackmail is their backup.
19. They will tell different stories to different people to accomplish their goal of looking as good as possible. This is one way to catch them in the act, but they will be very good at explaining everything away, using other techniques listed here. Ultimately, their stories are so full of holes and half-truths that hopefully all but the most blind will eventually see the truth.
20. Lying/prevarication comes naturally to them, and they justify it in a variety of ways. If caught, they will claim that they were just trying to “protect” the victim, that they misunderstood, etc.
21. They will find ways to disguise control as generosity. They will even claim that something that they are doing that is harmful is actually for the benefit of the victim, and they will point out that it was better than another choice. In reality, both choices were bad for the victim, and they are playing a game of making it appear as if they only had those two choices, instead of the third choice that would not have hurt the victim, but would have meant denying the passive-aggressive of some desire. In their minds, that was not an option, so they “made the best choice they could” for the victim, given the circumstances.
22. They will lay guilt trips everywhere they can. The personality of the victim is usually particularly vulnerable to this, as they are usually a kind person that has empathy and takes on a greater amount of responsibility than average.
23. They will shift blame. They use a variety of techniques to do this, including guilt. Small children do this, saying “He did it first” or “She made me do it”. If a victim tries to stand up for himself/herself, the passive-aggressive will come back with a whole list of things that show where the victim was wrong, never addressing their own faults.
24. They use the “prove you love me” line, but not necessarily in those words. They set it up so that the passive-aggressive doesn’t “feel loved” unless the victim plays into their desires.
25. The silent treatment is used to punish the victim. When the passive-aggressive is angry, he/she will react in a number of different ways. One way is to cut off communication.
26. They always have a double standard - one for themselves, and one for everyone else. They always think that they are in the right, even if it contradicts the rules that they expect others to follow. They are always the exception. They always have a reason that is valid in their mind. The rules are only expected to be followed if it is to their advantage.
27. They will point out how things “could have been” if the victim had done a better job of meeting their needs, following their directions, etc. They will talk about how they would have rewarded good behavior with a nice dinner out, or a special gift, or how the evening would have been pleasant instead of ending in a fight, etc.
28. The no-win setup is a constant tool. The victim is endlessly placed in a position of having no good choices. Expressing concerns to the passive-aggressive only causes them to lash out at the victim, blaming the victim for the problems, accusing them of wrongdoing or of improper feelings and emotions. Staying silent causes the passive-aggressive to accuse the victim of not communicating properly or playing the victim or withdrawing. The victim always feels like they can’t win.
29. They use head games to convince the victim that they are in the wrong. They try to change the rules of the relationship, never admit to wrongdoing, twist words and conversations to make the victim think that they were misleading the passive-aggressive or were the cause of the miscommunication.
30. They withhold information and emotions from the victim, then blame the victim for not understanding them or for pushing them away.
31. They play the martyr as a part of trying to get the victim to believe that the passive-aggressive is the one being wronged. They convince themselves that anyone that doesn’t see them as the victim must just not understand the whole story.
32. The passive-aggressive is adept at playing on insecurities and doubts. They will twist memories and rules to their benefit. They feed the victim’s ego in the beginning, then try to make the victim emotionally dependent on the passive-aggressive.
33. Isolation is often a key to control. The victim must remain isolated in order for the passive-aggressive to maintain maximum control. They will cut the victim off from friends and family if possible. They will tell them that everyone will blame them for the problems, which is usually effective, since the passive-aggressive has been telling the victim that it is their fault. They will tell friends that the victim is unstable and that they can’t believe a lot of what the victim says. They tell the victim that they are the only ones that understand, so the victim should only talk to the passive-aggressive about the problems. They actively discourage counseling through a variety of arguments - “it won’t work”, “it costs too much”, “I will go, but I won’t talk”, “I won’t feel comfortable”, “I promise I will do better”, etc.
34. Obstructionism is the process by which a passive-aggressive acts as if they want to do something, but they never follow through. They use procrastination and blaming as some of the methods for avoiding the obligation. For example, they may claim that they will change or will go to counseling or will get a certain task done, but they never actually do it for a variety of suspicious reasons.
35. Forgetfulness can be used by the passive-aggressive if they don’t want to deal with something that they said or did in the past. They will forget the incident all together or will conveniently remember it a different way than the victim does. They compensate for some of the frustrations of the present by changing their memory of the past. It is an easy way to shift blame to someone else.
36. This can work in reverse, too, as they believe that they can compensate for some of the frustrations of the past by changing the current reality. They think that by changing the situation or environment or people, things will get better. They will not accept that they are the problem and that they must change for the problem to get better.
37. Passive-aggressives hate to lose and they can not tolerate frustration. They procrastinate when they don’t want to deal with something, but if they want something, they want it RIGHT THEN.
38. Passive-aggressives are often people who have had everything given to them. This is frequently the result of victims giving them what they want in order to avoid “setting them off”. The victims enable them further. Passive-aggressives wind up being overprotected and indulged have therefore had little opportunity to develop confidence in their ability to handle loss. At the first hint that they might be deprived of something, they panic and shore themselves up with passive-aggressive behavior.
39. They frequently win with tactics that create an insurmountable rift in the relationship. Yet the short-term victory often appears to be enough of a triumph as if there were no future to consider. Most passive-aggressives operate from an I-want-what-I want-when-I-want-it mind-set and any logic or ability to see the consequences of their actions is obscured by the urgency they feel to hold on to and control what they possess.
40. Denial is a big issue. They will deny wrongdoing and will turn away from anyone who doesn't tell them what they want to hear.
41. With projection, they will accuse others of the very traits that they fail to acknowledge in themselves. They accuse the victim of being selfish while making choices that are clearly self-serving. They claim that the victim has communication issues, when the passive-aggressive is the one that is utilizing tactics such as lying, obfuscation, and the silent treatment. If the victim tries to give reasons for the passive-aggressive’s complaints, the passive-aggressive will accuse them of making excuses and trying to avoid responsibility. They will accuse the victim of not being able to handle constructive criticism, when in fact it is the passive-aggressive that exhibits all of these issues.
42. They exaggerate by using words such as “always” and “never” and phrases like “no matter what I do, it is never enough for you”.
43. They use carefully phrased sentences to mislead others into making incorrect assumptions. Instead of saying “I think” they will say things like “The conclusion is” to lead others into thinking that it was a joint decision, when in fact the choice was theirs all along and the victim had no say in the matter. They will claim something was an “unfortunate circumstance” instead of admitting that they broke a rule or made a mistake.
44. Deflecting is the process by which they try to change the subject in order to avoid answering a particular question. They will use half-truths when forced to answer, attempting to twist the story to their benefit.
45. Deflection is also a way of stating facts without taking responsibility for their actions. They use passive sentences structures like “as had been planned” instead of “I planned” or “it was made more difficult” instead of “I made it more difficult”.
46. They will accuse the victim of making unreasonable demands. The victim wants too much of their time, their energy, their input, their effort on what they categorize as trivial things, etc. The reality is that the "trivial things" are important to the victim but not to the passive-aggressive, so they are indeed trivial to the passive-aggressive's point of view.
47. The passive-aggressive continually finds ways to enable them to avoid exploring any aspect of taking responsibility for their own actions and choices. They can blame someone else, so it "isn't their fault". As long as they have supporters, telling them that they are right, they will continue to avoid dealing with their own issues, and that prevents any change. This is called having a "victim mentality".
48. They hold someone else accountable, thereby relinquishing personal responsibility. When someone tries to counter this thought process, they often become defensive and exhibit inappropriate anger, frequently directed at the person that they are blaming in the first place.
49. Addictions can occur - like sex, video games, blaming others, even "falling in love" - as another way of avoiding or distracting them from self-examination. If someone else is willing to pay attention to them, "love them", validate their victim mentality, etc. they can convince themselves that it was the other person that was unlovable.
50. They show a need to control and a drive for power. This can lead to inappropriate maladaptive beliefs. One example is of thinking that all of this "was God's will". After all, if God approves, it must be right, so they convince themselves that God approves, and they will not listen to anyone that tries to tell them any differently, because they are avoiding any push to self-examination. Another would be to convince themselves that if anyone had a problem with their actions, they would speak up and tell them so. In fact, anyone who does speak up is cut off, often aggressively.
51. As a means of avoidance, they cut off communications from anyone that presents any conflict in their actions. The only people left are those that still believe the false image or those that are too afraid to speak up.
52. When a relationship ends, the passive-aggressive will start all over again, making themselves out as the victim to others, weeding out those who don't believe them, strengthening the relationships of the friends that do believe them, and start looking immediately for a new victim. The only form of responsibility that they will take is that they "allowed themselves to be the victim" for too long. And so begins their emotional hooking for the next victim.
On the surface, the story from the passive-aggressive and the victim will sound similar, but that is because of the passive-aggressive's abilities of projection, martyrdom, playing the victim, and emotional hooking. Knowledgeable questioning and careful examination of the answers will reveal the truth to those familiar with passive-aggressive techniques. Over time, they can't help but deflect, minimize, prevaricate, deny, exaggerate, blame, self-aggrandize, exhibit entitlement, reveal double standards, justify poor choices and actions, and - when provoked - show inappropriate anger.
It is very difficult to get away from a relationship with this kind of person, because they are very good at convincing the victim that they are the problem, including accusing them of being the passive-aggressive person - part of the projection listed above. If they present the victim as that way to others, then it further isolates the victim. It drags the victim down, only getting worse over time as the victim is respected less and less - by the abuser and by the victim, too. Emotional blackmail may not be life threatening but it robs the victim of their integrity. Integrity is that place inside where the values and moral compass reside, clarifying what is right and wrong. The victim lets him/herself down for not meeting the passive-aggressive’s needs (which are in actuality impossible to meet), and a vicious cycle ensues. The passive-aggressive make a demand, the victim resists, the passive-aggressive applies pressure and threatens, the victim complies, the passive-aggressive “plays nice for a while” (sometimes even appearing to “give in” to the victim with something, just to keep the cycle going and to keep up the appearance that they are also making an effort in the relationship), then the passive-aggressive makes another demand, and it starts all over again. The victim continues their mental rationalizing and their justification for compliance, and it begins to affect the victim's mental and physical health. A victim may even betray others to placate the blackmailer, especially in poly relationships.
The victim has to recognize that the passive-aggressive won't change, stop enabling them, and get out of the situation. The passive-aggressive will not stop unless they find a new victim, and they don’t need to find one as long as the victim continues to allow the behavior. After the victim is out of the relationship, they have the opportunity to deprogram and nurture him/herself, and remember that they can meet many of their own needs from within.
The victim must prepare for the passive-aggressive's vindictive nature, for they will try to pull mutual friends to "their side". The victim must realize that not everyone will believe the passive-aggressive. Those that don't will seek out the victim to find out both sides of the story. The victim must take comfort in the fact that those that believe the passive-aggressive will find out eventually their true nature, just as the victim did, and that those people were probably not friends worth having in the first place.
The most important thing to take away from the tour of a passive-aggressive's psyche is that they makes it sound like it's all about the victim and makes the victim feel like it's all about the victim, but for the most part it's not about the victim at all. Many times it has more to do with the past than the present, and it's more concerned with filling the passive-aggressive's needs than with anything the passive-aggressive says the victim did or didn't do.
Here is a great quote I found from about.com:
“The biggest frustration in being with a passive-aggressive is that they never follow through on agreements and promises. He/she will dodge responsibility for anything in the relationship while at the same time making it look as if he/she is pulling his/her own weight and is a very loving partner. The sad thing is, you can be made to believe that you are loved and adored by a person who is completely unable to form an emotional connection with anyone.
The passive-aggressive ignores problems in the relationship, sees things through their own skewed sense of reality and if forced to deal with the problems will completely withdraw from the relationship and you. They will deny evidence of wrong doing, distort what you know to be real to fit their own agenda, minimize or lie so that their version of what is real seems more logical.
The passive-aggressive never looks internally or examines their role in a relationship problem. They have to externalize it and blame others for having shortcomings. To accept that he/she has flaws would be tantamount to emotional self-destruction. They live in denial of their self-destructive behaviors, the consequences of those behaviors, and the choices they make that cause others so much pain.
The passive-aggressive objectifies the object of their desire. You are to be used as a means to an end. Your only value is to feed his/her own emotional needs. You are not seen as a person with feelings and needs but as an extension of him/her. They care for you the way they care for a favorite chair. You are there for their comfort and pleasure and are of use as long as you fill their needs.”
Of course, “get out of the situation” is not always possible. If the passive-aggressive is a relative, a co-worker, or in the case of poly, for example, your SO’s OSO, just getting the person out of your life is not an easy option (though maybe printing this out and showing it to your SO would be a good start
). I encourage others to post about how to deal with this kind of situation in a relatively positive way. I think that there are quite a few on the forum that could contribute to and/or benefit from a discussion here, and this way, it doesn’t have to pertain to a particular situation, and maybe keeping things general will help more people. Thoughts? Suggestions? Ideas?
Feel free to comment here as well (she's already gotten some good feedback on the site itself) and I'll direct her here to check out folk's ideas and suggestions.