My Heart Will Remember You
Tosh and Jack finished their breakfast. They’d been up all night, investigating ‘weird noises’ in an abandoned factory; the noises had been kids with a sound effect machine, and they were both too tired and too hungry to go back to the Hub without food and caffeine.
Jack watched the couple across the room. Gray-haired and wrinkled, but they still held hands across the table.
I wish -“ Jack began.
“Wish what?” Tosh asked, sipping her tea.
Jack started, as though he’d forgotten she was there. He plastered a smile on his face. “I wish the waitress would bring the check.”
“The check that’s lying underneath your right elbow?”
“See how good I am?” Jack asked broadly. “I make a wish and it comes true.”
Tosh turned so she could see what Jack had been staring at as he’d tried to distract her.
She watched an elderly couple walk out the door, holding each other’s hand. “What do you wish when you look at them?” she asked softly.
For a moment Jack considered dodging the question the way he usually did with personal questions. Then he sighed. “I wish that could be Ianto and me,” he said wistfully.
“Have you told him you feel like that?”
“Tosh, it’s not going to happen. Why torment both of us with thoughts of what will never be?”
“Jack,” she said, “tell him how much he means to you. He needs to know. He deserves to know.”
“I do tell him!’’ I do. I think I do. I try…
She read the moment’s doubt in his face. “Then tell him again,” she insisted. “You know how he is. Tell him over and over till there’s no doubt in his mind. Don’t wait till it’s too late.”
That night, Jack and Ianto lay spooned in Jack’s narrow bed, Jack pressed against Ianto’s back, his hand splayed against the young Welshman’s chest.
Jack nuzzled the back of Ianto’s neck, chuckling when Ianto shivered.
“I thought I’d worn you out,” Ianto murmured.
“Hey, I’m the Captain! I never get worn out!”
“I shall have to start substituting decaf for half the coffee beans if I’m to get any rest, is that it then?”
“You wouldn’t!” Jack exclaimed, horrified.
“Have you worried, do I?” Ianto chuckled.
“You!” Jack growled. He trailed kisses across Ianto’s collarbone, continuing to the spot where Ianto’s neck and shoulder met, the spot that always made Ianto -
“ - oh!" Ianto cried breathlessly.
“Remember how old I am," Jack said, trailing kisses down Ianto’s arm.” I need caffeine to keep doing things like this.”
“Espresso it is,” Ianto agreed readily. “A nonstop supply.”
Jack buried his face in Ianto’s hair. I could stay like this forever, he thought. All the times he’d left a bed before his partner was even asleep, yet here he was, content to just lay and feel the steady rise and fall of this Welsh boy’s breathing.
“Ianto -“
“No, I am not getting up to make you coffee.”
Jack smiled. He pulled Ianto’s closer, till it felt like they’d melted into each other.
“Ianto -” he gathered his courage - “I will always remember you,” he said, rubbing his hand over Ianto’s stomach.
Ianto turned his head toward Jack. “What?”
“I will always remember you, “ Jack said again. “Always”
Ianto lay without moving, then shifted so he could turn over and face Jack.
“No you won’t,” he said gently. “But thank you for the thought.”
“I will always remember you” Jack repeated.
“Jack, a hundred years from now the closest you’ll come to remembering me is that when you smell coffee you’ll try to remember the name of that man you used to know who could make good coffee.” Ianto looked at Jack with eyes that had seen too many hopes crushed. “And that’s alright. I’m not asking for forever. I’m just asking for what we have now.”
Jack pushed Ianto flat and lay atop him, holding himself up with his arms.
He gazed into Ianto’s eyes. “Ianto, a long time ago I stopped letting myself feel. I had no friends, no lovers. It hurt too much. And then this young -“ he kissed Ianto’s cheek -“stubborn -“ he kissed his forehead -“beautiful -“ his temple - “sarcastic -“ his earlobe -“ brilliant -“ his neck -“ did I say beautiful yet -“ his chin - “Welshman -“ he feathered a kiss on Ianto’s lips -” tiptoed into my life and slipped past all my defenses. And he reminded me that love is worth all the pain.”
Jack could feel Ianto’s soft breaths against his lips. Our souls are becoming one, he thought, giddy with the feeling.
“Ianto Jones, a hundred years from now, when I’m in love with someone despite knowing my heart will tear in two when he dies, it will be because you taught my heart to love again. You gave me the courage.” He kissed Ianto again, softly, gently. ‘Every time I tell someone I love them it will be because you opened the gates I’d locked my heart behind. And that is how I know I’ll always remember you.”
Ianto gazed up at him, his yes filled with unshed tears. Someday soon he would return this breathtaking gift, would tell Jack how he’d saved Ianto from the hell his life had become, how he’d brought him back to life, but that was for another time. For now -
“My Captain,” he said, and pulled Jack down for a kiss. This was all he needed. All he’d ever need.